


Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose

by dxbshevd



Series: Dani x Jamie Stories [4]
Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: 70s AU BABY, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1970s, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Been wanting to do this forever so here we are, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Slow Burn-ish, good stuff, read our girls cross the country listening to 70s music and just falling in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 09:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 71,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28348836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxbshevd/pseuds/dxbshevd
Summary: “The confusing effect this woman is having on her is setting itself deep in her mind. A total stranger is sitting next to her, about to drive her ten minutes to a motel as a kind favor, nothing else, but oddly she feels like it’s something more. It’s as if she has always known her. Like sitting in this passenger seat as she relaxes into it — smelling the musk of cigarettes, flowers in the form of daisies and roses, and the fresh scent of nothing more than the earth surrounding them — is like returning home after a long time away.”It’s the Summer of 1973. Dani flees her wedding and finds herself lost near the border of Ohio when a certain nomad, Jamie, finds her walking on the side of the road. After offering Dani a ride, they find themselves journeying the country. Over the course of the days they spend together, their relationship blossoms.Rated E for later chapters.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie
Series: Dani x Jamie Stories [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057250
Comments: 463
Kudos: 439





	1. woman of heart and mind

It is odd how at one moment a person can know exactly what will come of their life, then the next it gets chewed apart and mangled to the point that it is an unidentifiable mess. 

Dani Clayton is the textbook definition for this exact situation. For Dani Clayton, just eight hours ago, was zipped into a flowing white, lace dress — face painted with an essence of beauty only meant for a bride. Eight hours ago, Dani Clayton stood at the altar facing Edmund O’Mara. The supposed love of her life; the man she had known for fifteen years. 

It should have been clear by how different their expressions were. From the way Edmund was glowing — cheeks strained with a giddy grin, eyes glistening with love, and shaking hands that held hers — Dani knew the feeling wasn’t mutual. Sure, her heart was pounding in her chest, her hands were clammy, and her eyes were glassy, but they were for all the wrong reasons. They weren’t emotions of love; they were emotions brought on by the wanton of escape. 

So, she ran. In the middle of the pastor’s monologue, Dani leaned forward, whispering in Edmund’s ear, “I- I can’t do this, Eddie. I love you, even still. But I can’t,” she muttered.

Then she was gone. Down the steps, she was running. Running towards the doors of the chapel with a purpose that resembled someone underwater, scrambling to the surface. Once she was outside, she took in a gust of fresh air into her lungs. For the first time in years — after so much time being suffocated by things she had no control over — she was free. 

And she kept running. Running until she met their little home. Running again once she discarded the golden band on her finger and exchanged her dress for bell-bottoms and a tucked-in top. Running until, Dani, backpack slung over her shoulder turned up to the Greyhound terminal to escape indefinitely.

Which leaves Dani Clayton here, fast asleep against the headrest of a Greyhound bus seat somewhere near the border of Ohio. The future is hardly concrete for her now, especially with the mere three-hundred dollars in her pocket and little to her name now that she’s abandoned any stability of married life. 

The blaring of a passing horn has Dani Clayton jolting awake. She looks around herself and is only met with endless suburbs and plains illuminated under the moonlight of the night. It is not what she expects, and it is right then that she realizes that this is not the right city. She is familiar with Cincinnati, and this is absolutely not Cincinnati. 

She looks around the bus to see only one other person sitting two rows ahead of her, an older man who looks like he is on his way to falling asleep. 

“Sir,” she calls to him. He jumps slightly at her volume and turns, eyeing her with a grimace as he looks unwilling to be bothered. “Where are we?” she asks innocently. 

He scoffs. “Dayton, sweetheart.”

The panic sets in soon after that. She isn’t aware of what a _Dayton_ is whatsoever. Which, in her defense, is because she spent twenty-two years of her life comfortably nestled in the dear embrace of the cornfields and mundane suburbia of Des Moines, Iowa. It wasn’t until Eddie dragged her to Cleveland because of a new, promising position he was offered was she catapulted into a new life as an Ohioan. Certainly a life she did not want at all. 

She sees the lights of the Dayton Greyhound terminal scattering across the street as the bus approaches it. Apprehensively she stands to leave the bus, uncertain of what she is going to do now that she is in the absolute wrong city. But she takes what she can get, swallows as much courage as her body will allow it, and exits the bus.

“Dammit,” she curses to herself as she looks at the desolate nature of the old town surrounding her. Pivoting left and right in a desperate search of one front that could help her. However, there’s not a soul in sight, and the reasoning of why is confirmed when Dani checks the watch on her wrist and sees it’s nearing nine in the evening. Most of the small, brick building adorned strip is dark except for one building, just so happens it’s the diner. She needs a phone, and she reasons they would have one. 

As she crosses the street, she damns her heart’s decision to lunge to freedom on this day. Little muttered insults and criticisms leave her lips as she enters the establishment. _What the hell were you thinking, Danielle? You had it made with Eddie and you ran. You idiot. What is wrong with you?_

She’s so lost in her self-battering, that she barely notices the waitress’s question. The sound of her chiming voice has her looking up puzzledly. Dani squints her eyes and tilts her head to express her not perceiving anything she said. 

“Wha-I’m sorry?” she questions timidly. 

“What can I help you with?” the waitress smiles softly.

“Phone. I need the phone,” she says forwardly. Her words leave seemingly much more aggressive than she intends, and she immediately regrets the tone. Especially when she sees the way the woman grows annoyed. So, in return, Dani begins to nervously ramble, voice softer and sweeter, “Uh-if you have one- if you don’t that’s okay… I’d like to use it-”

“Down there,” The waitress interrupts, turning away in disinterest as she points down the hallway towards a little cove acting as a phone booth. 

Dani nods in gratitude for her time before disappearing down the hall to grab the phone as quickly as she can. 

She holds the receiver to her ear, nestling it on her shoulder to keep it perched as she thumbs through the phone book until she hits the _J_ section. 

“J. E. S. J. E. S,” she mumbles as she traces a finger down the pages until she finds the name she’s looking for, jabbing it with her finger to mark its location in her mind. _Rebecca Jessel, 476 18th St. Boulder, Colorado._

Darting out a focused tongue to rest at her top lip, she diligently spins the rotary dial on the base of the phone with a skill that only a seasoned caller could achieve. Certainly in her panicked state, she could do anything. 

She taps her toe as the other line rings and rings and prays that she’ll pick up. _Oh god, Becs, please pick up…_

“Hello?” The warm, London accent seeps through the receiver, and Dani can finally breathe. For the first time in weeks, Dani is hearing the voice of someone she actually enjoys in her life. 

Rebecca, her best friend she had met in 1966 at her time at the University of Iowa. She was Dani’s only friend in fact, and the unfortunate ways of life had them parting ways when she moved across the country to Colorado with her fiancé Peter, a man Dani absolutely loathed. Loathed with every bone in her body. But Rebecca was happy, so Dani would have to live with her confidant and closest friend leaving her to live 700 miles away. 

With a sigh of relief and a slight laugh that seems to already be dissolving into tears, she runs a hand through her hair. 

“Who is this?” Rebecca questions. 

With a sharp intake of breath, she grips the handset closer to her mouth. “I left him,” Dani replies in a volume only a bit higher than a whisper as if it is the dirtiest secret. She clears her throat as she lets out a shaky breath. “I left, Eddie.” 

There are a few confused croaks from the other end as Rebecca searches for a response. It seems to finally click to the woman that it’s Dani who is calling. 

“Danielle… Dani?” 

“Yes, Becs.” Dani’s voice is growing shakier as her fingers grip the handset until her knuckles are white. “Did you hear me? I lef-”

“Yeah, yeah. I heard you,” Rebecca replies, and Dani can imagine the way she is shifting in her seat, brows furrowed in confusion as she’s trying to process the situation. It’s been a while since they have spoken, and Dani feels foolish now for dropping a bomb of information like this in their first call in over a month. “Why-what…” Rebecca stutters, pausing for a moment before finally formulating her question. “Why’d you leave, Dani?”

“I couldn’t love him,” she answers simply through her welling tears. “You know why, Rebecca. I know you know why.” 

Rebecca hums in knowing and clicks her tongue to her teeth as she’s searching for the right words to say. Dani can tell she’s being cautious, and Dani is thankful for that. 

Rebecca was always the rational one. She was never afraid of reprimanding if the situation called for it, and Dani had been the receiver of many of her bouts of scolding before. She absolutely couldn’t bear hearing it from her best friend now, and she could tell Rebecca knew that. Rebecca knew better than to give her two cents in this situation. 

“So,” she begins, an awkward silence overcoming their conversation as Rebecca keeps searching. “What did he do… what did he say?”

“He didn’t say anything.” Dani sniffs away at most of her tears until she is composed enough to stop herself from dissolving completely into crying.

“Eddie. Man of a million words said nothing?”

Dani huffs out a laugh at that and shakes her head. “I just left him, Becs. I left him right before we were…” 

“Right before what?” 

“At the altar. We were about to, you know, and I ran.” 

A piercing gasp comes from the other woman. 

“You what?” Rebecca shouts in shock over the phone and Dani has to pull the handset back a smidge to prevent herself from going deaf. An unprecedented roaring laughter chimes in from the other end, and Dani rolls her eyes as she did not expect that reaction. But it seems to be all too familiar once Dani recalls their time together, filled with laughter and bantering. No matter how tense or uncomfortable the situation was, Rebecca could find the positive parts of it to laugh at. “You ditched him? Pulled an Elaine Robinson did ya?”

“Guess I did,” Dani sighed, lips turning up only minutely. “No Dustin Hoffman waiting for me on the other side though.”

Rebecca’s laugh dies down until it’s only a chuckle. “So, what’s next for our runaway bride?”

Dani runs a picking fingernail over the open page of the phonebook. She waits for at least a gram of courage and gall to fill her before she asks anything of Rebecca. Dani prides herself on her selflessness, but she knows she needs someone now. She’s in desperate need of support, so she intakes a composing breath that fills her with enough bravery to spit out her next words. 

“I was hoping, Becs,” she begins before her words get caught in her throat, her fingernail now more fervently picking at the page until it is scoring it deep enough to cut through. “I was hoping you’d let me stay out there in Boulder with you for a bit.” 

Dani scrunches her eyes in immediate regret and humiliation as the words leave her lips. 

“I mean, you can say no, Becs. I can go somewhere else; I just really need to get out of this place. I hate it all, Rebecca. I mean, what’s in Ohio for me? Nothing is here… I hate every bit of it. But you don’t have to say yes. I know it’s really big of me to just call you out of nowhere, and I’m sorry… You know what, forget I even-” Dani rambles, words spilling out before her brain can even process them. 

“Dani,” Rebecca intervenes. “Dani, calm down, you can come stay here. I don’t mind, really. I’d be happy to see you. More than happy to, love,” she reassures. 

Dani rests her forehead on the wall before her and nods against it in consolation, forgetting for a moment that Rebecca can’t see her. 

“Okay, okay,” she repeats almost as if it is a calming mantra for herself. “Thank you.” 

“When will you be here?” 

“I’m hoping to catch a train in the morning. No more than a couple days.” 

“Okay. It’s going to be okay, Dani. Alright?” 

“Yeah,” Dani nods. “Yeah, I know. I’ll call you again when I’m on my way, okay?” 

“You do that. Don’t break any more hearts before you get here.” 

“Not funny,” Dani says flatly, but a simper sneaks to her lips as Rebecca giggles on the other end. 

“Stay safe, Danielle. Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight.” 

Dani replaces the handset and rips out the page with Rebecca’s address and phone number then folds it, tucking it into one of the pockets of her backpack. 

She stands there for a moment to really let the elements of her circumstance scatter about her. She’s really in the middle of nowhere in Ohio, not one idea of what to do next filling her mind.

Instead of feeling sorry for herself for a single moment more, she straightens herself out and clenches her fists at her side. She made her bed, and she knows it. Dani’s glad she did too. She’s free, freer than she’s ever been. And it’s 1973, dammit. Women are on their way to receiving their well-deserved independence and autonomy, and Dani takes the realization as a notion that she is paving the way for herself to revel in her womanhood. She can do as she wants, when she wants, for the rest of her life. 

With that, Dani walks back with new confidence to where she saw the waitress behind the counter. 

“Do you know where I can find a motel?” she asks, grabbing the auburn-haired waitress’s attention.

“Nearest is down the state highway a few miles. Will be a bit of a walk, you know?” she informs, looking Dani up and down doubtfully with her last sentence. “Best not do that… at this hour.” 

“Thank you,” Dani simply says before pushing out the door, halting as she surveys her surroundings. Dani, a young woman, is about to trek five miles in the dead of night to find herself a bed for the night. Exactly what she needs in a town she knows nothing of. 

She pushes through her fears and begins down her route along the highway. There’s no sidewalk just dirt lining her path along the long stretch of road. Dani can’t see a lick of land ahead of her because of the dark, which is beginning to instill a heavy worry in her core. _Follow the road for a few miles, and you’ll see the motel,_ she has to repeat to herself over as an assuring reminder. 

However, the chirping of crickets, the swooshing of the trees, and the hooting of a faraway owl are really starting to skyrocket her fear as she is walking alone in near pitch-black darkness. She reasons worse things could be happening. A car could approach her and pull her in, making her yet another victim of a kidnapping story, a notorious and common happening as the news would like it to seem. 

The flashing of headlights illuminating her path makes her jump in surprise, and the beacon of light has surely revealed her in the driver’s line of sight. The idea that she can be seen sends her heart racing and she quickens her pace. Silently, she prays that they won’t stop. Prays that on top of being stupid enough to abandon her fiancé at the altar, she wouldn’t have been moronic enough to wind up in the hands of a serial killer. 

And just as she fears, she can hear the incremental squeak of brakes as the truck slows down beside her. She does not dare look. If she pretends they’re not there, then they’ll disappear. That is what she’s done with every other issue in her life, and she is trying to tell herself that it will work here too.

But the green truck persists driving at the speed of Dani’s pace. The window comes rolling down to release blaring Led Zeppelin from the interior, and the volume of it has Dani about jumping from her skin.

The driver turns the volume of the music down. 

“Oi,” a voice calls out.

The voice startles Dani in the same way as it instills curiosity into her. The voice is not as she expected. She anticipated a man’s voice, one that is low and raspy. However, the voice is a woman's. It’s softer, still brassy in a way, and she suspects the woman is British. 

Even though the woman’s voice slowly diminishes Dani’s anxiety, she doesn’t dare turn. The last thing she wants right now is to pursue a stranger. So, Dani ignores her and keeps on walking, her pace still remarkably fast as she continues down the dirt shoulder. 

The woman scoffs.

“Earth to blondie,” she calls out as she keeps the truck rolling beside Dani. Her words make Dani smirk slightly, but she stands her ground. Head hanging low, she never once looks at the woman. 

“I really don’t think it’s kosher for a lady like you to be walking out alone at this time of night.” 

With that Dani halts and turns towards the woman, hands gripping her hips in a displeased manner. 

Her unexpected stop has the woman slamming on her brakes enough that her body is springing forward until it jams against the steering wheel. Dani is impressed by how collected the woman remains post a humiliating move of being slammed into her steering wheel, but it doesn’t seem to phase her. Not even Dani’s small chuckle seems to bother her in the slightest as presented by her smirking lips around a cigarette nestled there. 

“A lady like me, huh?” Dani asks, eyebrow raised as she looks at her.

For the first time within their encounter, Dani really lets the woman’s looks engross her, at least what the darkness can offer her. The faint moonlight is perfectly shining over the woman’s chiseled features and her obviously dark hair. Dani can barely perceive the subtle glisten in her eyes as the woman looks her up and down. 

She follows her eyes over her own body as she analyzes her denim flares and mauve, long-sleeved knit top, wondering what on Earth the woman seems to be so interested in given her generic choice in clothing. Not only in clothing, but Dani has always decided she was generic looking. Same pale blushed skin as all the other girls; same blue eyes; same straight, minutely waved, middle-parted hair. What could be so interesting that this woman seems to be looking her up and down a few times more than a usual person would?

“Didn’t mean anything of it,” the woman defends as she puts her hands up. “Just find it surprising that a girl like yourself is just walking out on the side of the motorway.” 

“I still don’t know what a _girl like yourself_ means,” Dani chides, tapping her toe in a mock annoyance only because she finds the woman’s minute flustering endearing. “Sounds a lot like what a serial killer would say.” 

The woman smirks and leans back in surprise at the brashness of Dani, most likely shocked by her forward attitude and dry humor given her appearance. Dainty she is. Blonde and small, timid with her big blue eyes and constant uneasy nature, coy in every meaning of the word. But in just the right moment to just the right person, she lets loose and displays her braze. 

“Do I look like a serial killer to you?” the woman asks as she turns on the overhead light in the truck, finally giving Dani the opportunity to really see her. And Dani is about sent reeling at the sight. Air is sucked from her lungs and body that is so seized she’s sure a cadaver would look more relaxed than her.

She’s remarkably beautiful. Glowing within her eclectic and alluring nature. She’s got a dark brown shag haircut, one that immediately reminds Dani of Jane Fonda in _Klute._ The kind of haircut that perfectly frames her face with layers that are frayed and fringed whilst still remaining tame; however, this woman seems to have a bit of waviness to her hair. The most subtle curl. 

Her eyes almost have Dani buckling. The two women are a few feet apart, but the light is enough to present the perfect blend of opaque emerald and golden hues in her irises. Dani is close to melting in the woman’s slow, sultry blinks. She knows she doesn’t mean for the mere act of blinking to be so attractive, but Dani still feels the butterflies swarming at the pit of her belly.

Dani’s gaze surveys down more to see the gold chain laying effortlessly over the collarbones that are peeking through the cream Bowie shirt she is sporting. The fringed sleeve of her black suede jacket swings as she raises her fingers to pull the cigarette from her lips to release a proper plume of smoke. The sight alone of cooly inhaling the cigarette and slowly exhaling in her direction makes Dani hope this woman is a serial killer because she’d gladly die in her hands. Quench in it and find pleasure in succumbing to her own murder. 

Dani can’t seem to peel her eyes off of the woman before her, and she parts her lips to respond; however, her mind is nothing but a jumbled mess as she’s trying to formulate a sentence. 

“Um-hm… No… I mean… I don’t-no you don’t… I guess I don’t know, but… you aren’t… Are you?” Dani rambles nervously, cheeks turning hot and pink as she finds herself cursing her nervous manner. It's a trait of hers that she has learned to stifle, but some things bring it out here and there. Dani is humiliated to admit that this woman, who could very well be an awful human being, had the effect on her within minutes of meeting her. 

The woman huffs out a laugh through her nose at Dani’s fumbling. Taking one last drag of her cigarette, she flicks it behind her out of the driver's window then leans forward. She opens the passenger door, letting it swing open as an offering. 

Dani freezes, taking the sudden urging for her to get into the truck as surprisingly tempting. Her heart is telling her to trust, but her brain is scolding her for being a gullible fool. The conflict is shown through the way Dani steps forward but halts. 

“Name’s Jamie,” the woman says, a pleasant offering of her name to reassure Dani in this moment of precariousness — still leaning forward, one hand gripping the steering wheel and the other arm curved around the headrest of the passenger seat to provide her support. “A serial killer would never tell you their name, yeah?” 

“Still sounding a lot like a serial killer, _Jamie…_ ” Dani says as she tilts her head and eyes her feet, taking an overdramatic, unsure inhale to really drill in her teasing of the woman before her, “If that’s even your name.” 

She timidly swipes her foot back and forth across the gravel for a moment to truly contemplate whether or not she is really going to get into this truck with a stranger. 

Jamie rolls her eyes and sits back with a sigh. “Ya bloody Yanks drive me mad,” Jamie grumbles. She turns her head back to Dani, flaring her nostrils with a slightly vexed exhale. “Gonna get in the truck or what, blondie?” 

This sudden, new nickname gifts her enough comfort to trust the brunette, and once she looks back up at her to see her welcoming gaze, Dani makes her decision. 

“Blondie,” Dani mumbles under her breath with a fond smirk. She steps forward and hops into the truck, shutting the door behind her. 

“A-ha! knew you’d fall for it,” Jamie grins as she puts the truck into gear. “Gotta kill ya now.” 

Dani, hoping she is joking, releases an awkward and nervous laugh which has Jamie roaring with her own laughter. 

“I’m fuckin’ around with ya,” she chuckles as she puts a hand out to Dani. “Properly now. I’m Jamie,” she introduces again. 

“Dani,” she replies. 

“Dani,” Jamie repeats, looking what seems to be impressed by the name. 

The way her name slips slickly off her tongue with her deep, foreign drawl has Dani nearly disintegrating. She can feel the subtle shiver running down her spine at the sound, little goosebumps trailing in the chill’s wake. 

The confusion at the effect this woman is having on her is setting itself deep in her mind. A total stranger is sitting next to her, about to drive her ten minutes to a motel as a kind favor, nothing else, but oddly she feels like it’s something more. It’s as if she has always known her. Like sitting in this passenger seat as she relaxes into it — smelling the musk of cigarettes, flowers in the form of daisies and roses, and the fresh scent of nothing more than the earth surrounding them — is like returning home after a long time away.

It’s as if Dani can finally breathe and slacken her uptight tension. They’ve shared mere sentences, but she feels like the words between them are just a game of catch up after a long time apart. This random occurrence among thousands Dani has encountered in her life is the only thing that has made her feel this secure. 

“So where are we off to, Dani?” Jamie asks as she presses the gas and gets them moving down the dark road. 

“There’s supposed to be a motel at the end of this highway.”

“Motel? You from around here?” Jamie asks.

“No… well kind of. Up east more. Cleveland.” 

“Oh yeah? I passed through this morning,” Jamie nods as she looks over at Dani for a split second. “So, you came down here for…”

“Time away,” Dani says, suddenly feeling uneasy as the reminder of her circumstances come flooding back. She relaxes a bit and softly sighs. “Going to Colorado for a bit, but I took the wrong bus. I was supposed to be in Cincinnati, but I ended up here. In Dayton, I think,” she explains as her eyes are glued to the window as she watches the view of infinite fields pass. “I don’t know Ohio well. I’ve only been here a couple of years.” 

“I’ve only been here a day, and it’s quite borin’,” Jamie chuckles. “It’s all grass. Brown grass, green grass, yellow grass. Don’t get me started on the corn. Is that all you eat here?” 

Dani laughs at the question and shakes her head. “Among other things, yeah.” 

The car grows silent for a while, a nice blend of comfortable and awkward silence. Awkward enough that with a tap to the steering wheel and an intake of breath that pierces the quiet, Jamie speaks again. 

“Where’s Colorado?” Jamie asks. 

“Right in the middle of the country,” Dani says as she forms the shape of a square with her thumbs and index fingers to present its shape and location. “I’m going to Boulder to see a friend.” 

“Boulder,” Jamie hums in consideration. “Afraid I haven’t got a clue what that is.”

Dani giggles, forgetting that American geography wouldn’t be Jamie’s natural forté. “What about Denver? Heard of that?” 

Jamie clicks her tongue to her teeth and tilts her head in thought. 

“Think I might have seen something about a Denver on my route. I don’t know much really. Showed up in New York, started drivin’, and I’m goin’ ‘til I get to Los Angeles,” she explains as she tucks her fingers into her breast pocket and grabs the carton of cigarettes. With a grade of finesse only a skilled smoker would have, she blindly flicks the top open with her thumb, grabbing one of the cigarettes and slipping it between her lips. 

She holds out the box to Dani to offer one, but she declines. “Oh, I don’t smoke.” 

“Fair enough,” Jamie says as she closes the carton and places it back into the pocket. From the opposite pocket, she pulls out a silver lighter and whips the top off with one snap of the wrist, and lights the cigarette. “Nasty habit; I know,” she exhales with the first stream of smoke. 

Dani barely hears her after witnessing the way she lit her cigarette in such a formidable practice that she can’t seem to take her mind off of it. It is strange to her that something so small as cavalierly lighting a cigarette could be so stunning. However, it seems the unique manner of this woman has her surprised with every passing second. 

Dani clears her throat and looks ahead again. “So, what’s in California?” 

“Two of my mates,” Jamie answers simply. “One’s a cook and the other is… well I don’t know what she’s up to now, always up to some kind of social, spiritual, political… something. She’s his wife.” 

“Any plans when you get there?” Dani asks, voice faltering a bit when she sees the lights of the motel approaching, not expecting the motel to be so close after all. 

“Nothin’ I know of yet. Still figuring this whole thing out myself,” she laughs breathily. 

Dani feels a bout of disappointment spread through her core as they grow closer to the lot, knowing that their time together is coming to its inevitable end. Not to mention, she feels her stomach tumble and flip when she surveys how run-down, paint-chipped, and downright dangerous the motel appears. Not exactly what she was expecting. Although, it isn’t as if she had given its anticipated appearance any thought. 

Jamie pulls into the lot and stops before the reception building, where they both stare at the old man behind the desk skeptically, both of their necks craned and eyes squinted simultaneously. 

“You’re staying here?” Jamie questions, a worried and nauseated inflection in her voice. 

Dani gulps and faces Jamie, face embellished with concern as apparent in her tightly knit brows and wrinkled, downturned forehead. “Nowhere else. I don’t even know where the damn train station is.” 

She runs a hand through her hair stressfully and sighs out in frustration. For the first time in a while she felt a sense of soundness in the presence of the woman who is still nothing more than a stranger… she thinks. She’s unsure if they’re still strangers. Acquaintances? Friends? 

  
Dani hopes for a bit of advice from the apparently nomadic driver who had to have encountered a predicament similar to this. She needs a bit of reassurance to calm her impending fear, but she receives nothing. Of course, Dani expects too much again. She forgets that most of the time she grows too fond of people when it’s never mutual. It’s a trait of hers that she has tried to mend. 

She sighs and opens the door to leave Jamie’s truck. 

  
“Well, Jamie. Thank you for the ride.” 

As she’s about to step out, she feels a hand grip her bicep to prevent her from departing. It’s anchored at the same time as being so gentle. It is a touch that expresses the other’s woman’s regard. 

“I don’t think I like this, Dani,” she says as she looks around at the motel again. Eyeing the middle-aged men lining the balconies having their nightly smokes. They’re all immensely suspicious as they are all staring at her truck, a vehicle among only the other few that are in the parking lot. The empty and unsavory nature of the motel leaves both women dubious. “Say, we can just find the train station, yeah? Or another place for you to stay?” 

Dani eyes Jamie. Studies her knit eyebrows and pursed lips in apparent deep thought and wariness. The idea that Jamie is already so concerned for her wellbeing makes Dani never want to leave. Wishes to remain in the hold of someone who can care so deeply for her even after only knowing her for minutes. Most of the people in her life won’t give her a smidge of that regard and she’s known them for years, and had the heart to call some of them family. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Dani says as she settles back into the seat. 

“I think I do. You thought I was a serial killer?” she scoffs as her head gestures in the general direction of the men littering the balconies of the motel. “I see multiple contenders around here, and the last thing I want is your blood on my hands. Come on now. Let me take you elsewhere, okay?” 

Dani averts her stare from Jamie to the motel as if a decision like this is really that hard. Of course, she’d rather go with Jamie, but Dani has felt like a burden her entire life. The last thing she wants is to trouble another with her unwarranted presence. 

“You sure?” 

“I insist,” Jamie replies sincerely, and it’s enough for Dani. 

She confirms the offer with a nod and sits back again. Jamie returns a trusting and relieved smile before backing out quickly and speeding away from the wretched motel. 

Dani is feeling more and more certain about her previous thought as they continue on their drive, conversing comfortably and blithely as minutes pass quickly. She’s sure she’s never met this woman, she knows that, but she feels like she’s known her all along. The way she can spout a light-hearted joke and Dani can retort so effortlessly goes to show how quickly they have grown accustomed to one another. 

Before they know it, twenty minutes have passed as they continue on the desolate highway. Not one motel, not one station, and not one other semblance of life is in sight. 

“You know, Dani,” Jamie says as she looks around at the emptiness of the scenery around them. “You’ve just told me Colorado is on the way to L.A., right?” 

Dani whose laughter is dying down from one of Jamie’s many jokes, hums in confirmation. 

“Yeah, you’ll have to pass straight through. You should come visit since I’ll beat you there anyway.” 

“Well I’m not quite sure how you’re going to do that given I haven’t seen one building in twenty minutes,” Jamie observes with a chuckle. 

Dani goes silent at the realization and the panic in her begins to set in again as she realizes she may end up with nowhere to go. Once again, she’s regretting her flawed decision to flee out of nowhere with no plan to back her. Especially now that she’s finally feeling grounded with Jamie beside her only to be kicked off in the nothingness of Ohio. 

“And I reckon a train would set you back a bit… cost a _pretty penny_ ,” Jamie says as she mimics an American accent with the last little saying, garnering a laugh from Dani that eases a few of her nerves, still totally oblivious to the obvious way Jamie is beginning to introduce a bold offer. “If it’s on the way I could just… take you there.” 

Dani whips her head to face Jamie in the utmost surprise at her proposal. She’s so perplexed at the idea that she hasn’t the slightest idea of how to respond. 

The lack of reply from Dani makes Jamie visibly tense in embarrassment for even recommending such a thing. She shakes her head and taps her finger against the steering wheel bashfully. 

“I know we’ve only just met,” she scoffs. “God, that was odd, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have…” 

“No, no,” Dani assures as she puts a hand on Jamie’s hand that is resting between them on the middle seat, a movement she hadn’t braced herself to make because the contact has her heart beginning to thump against her ribcage. She peels her hand back quickly. “It could be nice.” Dani is nodding at the proposition of having a companion in her travels to Colorado. After all, Dani doesn’t fare well with loneliness. 

“I could use the company,” Jamie reasons with a shrug. 

“Yeah,” Dani smiles as she bites her lip as she makes her decision, nodding slightly. “Yeah, I could use the company too... I think.” 

“Really?” Jamie’s lips are upturning into a stunned grin. 

“Mhm,” Dani replies, smirking over at Jamie as they face each other for a split second. “As long as you promise you’re absolutely not a murderer.” 

Jamie laughs and shrugs. “Can’t make any promises.” 

Dani gives a breathy chuckle and shaking her head as she fiddles with her hands, eyeing down at them as she analyzes her fingers. She takes a moment to silently decide if this is right for her to do. She is unsure if it is reasonable to cross a large portion of the country with a woman she barely knows.

But when she looks back at Jamie who is averting her gaze from the road to her, expecting a reply for her, looking so nervous and timid — deeply contrasting the smooth swagger she was sporting earlier — Dani decides she would want nothing more. _What the hell. Live a little, Dani._

“That’s enough for me.” 

“It’s a deal then?” Jamie smiles. 

“It’s a deal.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I couldn’t resist doing this. I have wanted to write a 70s AU for so long so here we are. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think! I always love feedback!
> 
> Also… all titles come from early 70s tunes of course. The main title is from Me and Bobby McGee. 
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> (the chapter title comes from the song Woman of Heart and Mind by Joni Mitchell. I gotta stop naming my fics after Joni songs but whatever haha)


	2. seeing all the way through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani opens up to Jamie, and the companionship between them blossoms.

The oddly quiet Indianapolis surrounds them as they sit in a diner in the early hours of the morning. The golden sunrise illuminates them as they sit across from each other, comfortably silent. They are not necessarily enjoying one another’s company, no their acquaintanceship is still too new. It is more like both of them are hardly aware of each other’s presence. After all, they’re still strangers in many ways. 

Dani studies Jamie before her. Her left hand grips a book, cover folded into the page she is currently fixated on, enough attention on it that she is oblivious to Dani’s surveying eyes. 

She slides her gaze to Jamie’s opposite hand where it grips the white, ceramic mug filled with black coffee, mostly untouched except for the few sips Jamie has taken over the last half-hour. And her index and middle finger extend where they hold a cigarette. Her third since they entered the restaurant. The blonde’s eyes watch carefully as Jamie brings it to her lips and inhales sparingly, releasing a soft plume of smoke into the air. 

Dani’s eyes dart left out the window beside them when Jamie shifts, not wanting her habitual flaw of observing to be revealed to Jamie. She stares blankly out the window as she watches the city around them come alive little by little as storefronts flick their lights on and cars park along the streets. 

Dani recollects the previous day, replaying it in her mind to ensure that it was real. She really did run from her wedding, really did end up in the middle of Ohio, and she absolutely did end up in a truck with a random woman who she has agreed to cross several states with. 

With a woman who crossed the state line into Indiana with her in tow and turned them into a motel for the night. They got their separate rooms, walked into each silently as if they were both too entirely exhausted and troubled by the notion that the decision they had mutually made could be an awful mistake. Neither said goodnight and Dani wonders if, like her, Jamie didn’t sleep.

Dani sat on the firm, cold bed — knees tucked into her chest as she stared at the cracked wall, counting every bit of it that had obviously been repainted. Splotches of beige that were uneven or just slightly darker than the rest of the wall. Akin to counting sheep, it was an attempt to lull her or at least calm the harrowing and remorseful thoughts that clamored in her brain. The ones that were designed entirely of Eddie. She wondered why she had done this to poor Eddie. He wasn’t a bad man; he didn’t deserve the humiliation Dani forced him into. She damned herself for that. 

She internally deliberated for the rest of the night if she should just return. Leave that room, return her key, and hitchhike her way back to Cleveland. Back to Eddie, back to the comfort of a normal life with a husband. The discomfort of whatever she was doing there was not worth the abnormality of her. She could just conform and drown in misery within a mundane life of marriage. At least she would be doing what was expected of her. At least she would be doing what everyone else wanted. 

But every time she got up to pace the room, hand reaching out for the door handle to leave the motel for good, she would only spin on her heels to trail the room again. Nibbling at her thumbnail, she faced the wall that separated Jamie and her. Dani wondered what would happen if she left. She wondered if it was vain of her to assume that part of Jamie really needed her. Really needed her company in the same way Dani needed hers. Needed another person there to help her through the loneliness of travel. Needed another person to reassure, to assist, to be her guide. Maybe it was big of her to think that, but it wasn’t at all big of her to think of Jamie that way. 

Surprisingly, she already thought so highly of Jamie even after only knowing her for mere hours. With every passing moment, a new link tethered Dani to Jamie in a way that was unexplainable. She hardly knew the woman, but she felt drawn to her in a way no one else had ever pulled her. She was special. 

So special, that Dani didn’t leave that motel. She laid back in that bed and dozed off for no more than an hour tops until it was five in the morning and Jamie was knocking on her door, telling her they should get a move on. 

This leads them here, both joined in observing the town around them. Jamie clears her throat. 

“You been here before?” she asks. 

  
Dani looks over at Jamie and nods lightly. “Passed through when we-I moved to Cleveland,” she said, finding herself involuntarily cutting Eddie out of the statement that included him. They had moved there _together,_ but Dani wishes to cut off that idea of _together_ in full. 

As much as she hopes Jamie won’t question her farther about a past she would rather rid of, she does. She knows it is innocent, and she is aware that it is necessary for them to get to know each other to help endure the lengthy trip they are embarking on.

“Where are you from?” Jamie questions as she sips her coffee, looking awfully interested in Dani in a way she has never experienced before. So much so that Dani’s posture straightens as she feels tense within this newfound interest in her. It is unfamiliar at the same time as resolving. 

“Iowa. Des Moines… right outside in a suburb called Clive,” she explains and catches the brief look of confusion on Jamie’s face at her dropping of so many foreign sounding locations. She smiles endearingly at the puzzled look on her. “I’ll show you,” she offers as she reaches her hand forward to urge Jamie to hand her the map she has tucked into her backpack. Jamie pulls out the map of the States and sprawls it across the table. Dani surveys the state of Iowa and jabs a finger just to the left of Des Moines. “Right there. Born and raised,” she smiles. 

Jamie is almost ogling at the map before her, eyes seemingly captivated by the abundance of land that is America. 

“I reckon that entire thing is bigger than Britain in full,” Jamie says as she runs a finger over the invisible route they are taking until she stops at Colorado. “Then you’ll end up here?” 

Dani nods in confirmation and points right where Boulder is, just along with the illustration of the Rocky Mountains. “Right here.” 

Jamie contemplates the map for a few moments, looks over her shoulder in the general direction of her truck parked outside, then reverts her gaze to the blonde again. A process that Dani can only assume was filled with Jamie’s deep thought. 

“I don’t mean to pry, but… given your circumstances, I can’t assume this is merely for holiday.” 

She is taken aback by her forwardness. She knows what Jamie means, and she is impressed that she could come up with that conclusion given their short time together. However, it isn’t hard to assume that a woman like herself, lost on the side of the road with one bag, hardly any money, and a nature that is predominantly reserved and brittle, would be someone who is not going on vacation.

Dani opens her mouth to respond but can’t find the words because her mind is reeling, searching desperately for the correct answer that wouldn’t overload a stranger and wouldn’t be revealing too much… to a stranger. 

“You know, I got to watch my mouth sometimes,” Jamie laughs nervously after the tense silence loiters for too long. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… are you safe, Dani?... Are you okay and all; should I be worried?”

Dani, still internally searching for words and forming facial expressions to Jamie’s apologetic tone that would mean to accept and ward of the English woman’s worries, is suddenly looking back at her wide-eyed at the questions. Another tick on her list of things she has never expected a person to say to her. Another person to ask her if she is okay. No one has genuinely done so, and it is such an unfamiliar thing that she has no idea how to respond. 

“I mean… I-I guess, yeah I’m safe,” Dani finally says, still shocked by the question. “I mean-yeah… yeah I’m fine.” She is certain that her fumbling isn’t making a promising case for Jamie, and it is confirmed as Jamie grows more perturbed. Dani huffs and purses her lips. “Jesus,” she mutters as she takes a gulp of her coffee solely as a placebo for liquid courage. “Here goes,” she sighs as she folds her hands in front of her. 

Jamie sits back to brace herself for whatever is coming and gives her a look that insinuates her intent listening and full regard. 

“I have a fiancé… had a fiancé,” she begins, silencing as she tries to find the next part of the story to reveal as not to make her out to sound irrational and overridden by lunacy. “We were- we were supposed to get married… like… just about, right about to… but I couldn’t. I don’t know why- I mean I know why, but I don’t know why I ran.” She shakes her head at her own anger with herself, unable to continue with her rambling because she feels too foolish in her revelation to go on. 

Jamie leans forward and reaches a hand across the table, almost touching Dani’s to console her but she doesn’t, instead, the hand lingers an inch from Dani’s. A distance that is so close that Dani can’t help but feel its phantom touch, enough that she feels her guard slowly slipping down as she feels the presence of Jamie’s concern wash over her. 

“Is he bad?” Jamie asks, eyeing around to ensure there are no listeners, and drops her voice just above a whisper. “As in, will he come after you?” 

Initially, Dani profusely shakes her head, but she halts as she thinks longer, shrugging lightly as she considers her inquiry. 

“Well, no. That’s the thing, Jamie. He wasn’t bad. I mean he was suffocating at times, had a short temper… _boy_ , did he have a temper, but I’ve known him my whole life just about. I just- he loved me and I didn’t… love him the same. I couldn’t,” Dani admits sullenly, looking down at her wrestling thumbs that help do away with her nerves a bit. 

“I don’t know if he’ll come after me. He could... He probably thinks I’m crazy.” Dani releases a watery laugh at the last statement and sniffles. “You probably think I’m crazy. You’ve known me not even a day and I’m about to cry like a fool. Just told you I left someone for no good reason.” Her face flushes as she bites back her tears, a small croak leaving her lips to give away her newly established emotional state. 

“Hey,” Jamie says and moves the hand the smidge between Dani’s and overlays her palm onto trembling knuckles. The touch sends a shot of pins through Dani’s nerves that leave goosebumps on the length of her arm. After slightly seizing at the new touch, she relaxes into it and releases a stabilizing breath. “I think you’re surprisingly sane considering.” 

Dani looks up to smile soft and crooked at her. A pair of sympathetic eyes and knit brows greet her. 

“Do you regret it?” Jamie questions, hand still firmly placed on Dani’s with a thumb that brushes lightly over the skin of her fingers. 

Dani darts her eyes to the opposite end of the diner to avoid Jamie’s gaze as she thinks. Through the heavy blanket of her guilt, she reasons she doesn’t regret it. She regrets hurting him; she knows she has. But she doesn’t regret the act of bravery that was leaving when she knew continuing on would only hurt more. Would only be a burden of an incomprehensible weight that neither she or Eddie deserved to carry. 

Blue eyes yet again meet up with green, and she shakes her head staunchly. “I don’t think so.” 

“Well that’s all we need,” Jamie smiles as she pats Dani’s hand before peeling back. 

To say Dani is stunned is an understatement. For as long as Dani has been on this planet she has never had someone talk to her with so much understanding and care. Has never had someone make her feel so comfortable and listened to. Not her mother, not Eddie, not even Rebecca. Nobody. 

“I know how you feel, you know. When you feel like everything around you is moving too fast. Like everyone is speeding on by and you feel like your feet are stuck in the earth, and you’re sinkin’. I know it well… You did what you had to do for your own reasons. Damn brave of you, really.” 

Jamie’s reassuring tone and words leave Dani feeling more grounded than before. She is thankful for it, but it sends a thought looming that she can’t deny. Suddenly, she begins to feel a tinge in her chest at the guilt for making Jamie drive her all that way, burdening her with her company for the entirety of it. She wonders if Jamie had other plans only to have it severely halted by her abrupt introduction into her travels. And now she is burdening her with her issues that Jamie surely was not expecting to have to handle. 

“You know, Jamie. I think you could just take me to a train station,” Dani says in order to curb her own remorse. Her finger comes to dance along an interstate that flows in another path different from theirs. “This one would probably get you to Los Angeles faster without you having to go through the trouble of taking me to Boulder. I mean on the first route you’d have to reroute to even get to Boulder. It would be better for you-” 

“And leave you alone in the hands of savage Americans?” Jamie intervenes with a scoff, a light, reassuring smile rising to her lips. She sits back and puts her hands up in defeat with a shrug. Through the slight upturn of her lips, Dani can see what resembles disappointment and it pangs her heart. “By all means, Dani, if you’d like to leave me alone to cross the country, so I can talk to nothing more than the radio and the trees until I’m insane, don’t mind me.” 

Dani huffs out a laugh that lightens the heaviness residing in her chest.

“I really did mean it when I said I could use the company.”

“I think it could be fun,” Dani says as she begins folding up the map for Jamie to hand back to her. “I’ve never seen the country. It’s suffocating having to be stuck in one little place for so long.” 

“I hear ya,” she says as she tucks the map back where it came from. 

Checking her watch and realizing they have been there for nearly too long, Dani grabs her wallet and pulls out a few dollars to pay for their breakfast, but Jamie darts out a hand to push away the money. 

“No, no.” Jamie shakes her head and goes fumbling for her own wallet; however, Dani persists and drops the cash on the table. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dani says as she flaps a hand down to ease Jamie. “A thank you for saving me from potential kidnapping last night.” 

“Come on now, Dani,” Jamie refuses. “It’s really-” 

Dani places a palm over the money to secure its place and her payment. “This isn’t even the beginning of my _thank you_ , Jamie,” she smiles as she rises from the booth. “Want to see a bit of the boring midwest?” she asks as she beckons Jamie towards the door. 

Jamie sighs and shakes her head, a small smirk evident on her face as she grabs her backpack and follows Dani. 

They’re walking along the downtown of Indianapolis, Jamie halting every so often like an eager child as she sees all of the new, foreign things displayed in shopfront windows. She stops in her tracks at the RadioShack where numerous televisions are stacked in the show window — some playing a rerun of _The Mary Tyler Moore Show,_ the others showing the news. 

Dani stands beside her as Jamie’s bent over, entirely captivated by the show, a perfect representation of American culture displayed before her. She observes her intently watching and can’t help but softly huff a laugh. 

“You guys don’t have televisions?” Dani jokes. 

“Not me. Not since it went color at least. Never had a telly,” Jamie replies simply, eyes still latched on the television, smiling at one of the jokes that play out. 

Dani is taken aback by the flatly displayed confession, briefly wondering how something like that could be achievable. But as she has learned, there is a mystery that is deep-set in Jamie that Dani knows she may never crack. Dani knows too that it isn’t all that serious to not have a television, but watching Jamie’s amazement at something so minuscule as this has Dani wishing to show Jamie anything and everything that is new to her. 

“Ah that’s the twat Nixon, isn’t it,” Jamie remarks as a photo of the president comes onto the news screen. 

Dani’s eyes go wide as she watches heads turn in their direction. In order to avoid the offended leering and muttering from people around them, Dani tugs at Jamie’s wrist to pull her forward. “Come on,” she laughs timidly. 

Something Dani has observed is the way people seem to stare at Jamie. She looks different, unique in a way that is outlandish to the midwestern United States. Especially to the massively religious and conservative population that dominates the area. 

Jamie deeply contrasts the people surrounding them. She’s got an edge to her with her entirely black clothing and shorts that are nearly an obscene length. Physically, she stands out from the colorful and prudently dressed people around her. Additionally, she has a cavalier mouth to her. To some, her accent holds enough allure that they don’t mind the words that come from it, but the others, like those around them now, find her swearing and strikingly sacrilegious language offensive to the point she fosters numerous gasps and ramblings. However, it is clear that it does not phase her; she’s insouciant to the ill regard towards her, and the very idea of that is what makes Jamie so exhilarating to Dani. She’s new, eclectic, and cool that Dani feels blessed to just be in her presence. 

“You’ve got a mouth on you, alright,” Dani says as she continues walking. 

“Pansies, that’s what you Americans are. Bit ignorant too,” Jamie retorts as she briefly looks behind herself at the few old women who are still staring at her. 

“Oh I know, it’s what got that bastard Nixon elected,” Dani mumbles. 

Dani startles herself with her language, blaming it merely on Jamie’s quick influence. It must have shocked Jamie too because now Dani is on the receiving end of an impish smirk. 

“Rubbin’ off on you, am I?” 

“You’re a bad influence, Jamie.” Dani shakes her head as she smiles at Jamie who has since caught up with her, so they’re standing shoulder to shoulder. 

Blissfully, with the absolute most contentment Dani has felt in a long time, they continue their journey around the town where Dani shows Jamie all of the extrinsic aspects she can muster — introducing Jamie to the softer side of music with the likes of Carly Simon and Carole King to which Jamie attempts to hide her distaste for in the most polite way, cravenly remarking it is _utter shite_ with a mannerly smile, all the way to sitting Jamie in an old bar to make her down a watery, nearly tasteless American beer that Jamie only has to say is _nowhere near a lager._ But, through it all, Jamie grins, gazes in what Dani can only hope is awe as she explains the many things Jamie can’t wrap her head around. And another side of enjoyment approaches Dani as she is catapulted into Jamie’s effortless humor, leaving her strained by the bouts of laughter she seems to be permanently sent into. 

And they do so for hours, participating in the glories of a city that neither of them enjoys all too much, but they’re partial enough because they have each other’s company, a new companionship brewing that both women begin to revel in. 

After hours in the city, they reason the road is calling again, so they drive until the sky is deeply dark. Nearing midnight, they arrive in a small, nearly rural town, in the middle of Illinois, pulling up at an old motel that seems to be the only thing that could provide them enough rest for the night. It is old, brown, and small. But both women don’t seem to have a care in the world as their exhaustion is encompassing them in full. 

“Two rooms, please,” Dani chirps at the grey-haired woman at the desk, who peers up at them with a monotonous expression. She sighs and reads her log, searching for two placements. 

“We only have one,” she responds. 

Jamie and Dani eye each other in response, silently attempting to converse with looks to confirm each other’s acceptance of the inconvenience. Jamie hands her a minor shrug, which Dani takes as a concrete enough answer. 

“That’s fine,” she says. “Two beds, so it won’t be a prob-” 

“It’s only got a queen,” the lady monotones as she looks back and forth between each woman leisurely, hand lifting the key. 

Jamie, who is leaning cooly against the desk and fiddling with the brochures lining it, halts her movement and reverts her look to Dani again with an expression lining her features that Dani cannot read. She can’t decide if Jamie opposes the idea or not. Dani is fine with it, couldn’t care less really. It is a rather large bed, a good surface area that could keep them apart. There would be nothing about it that would be odd or uncomfortable. It is one night, nothing more. 

“I guess,” Dani begins, eyes never leaving Jamie as she can’t seem to garner enough of a palpable confirmation from her to have the right to accept it. “I guess… I mean… I don’t know. Maybe it’s-”

“Fine,” Jamie finishes quickly as she reaches a hand out to take the key. She nods at Dani, simultaneously agreeing and reassuring with the gesture. “S’fine.” 

Dani gulps and smiles at the woman who skeptically looks back and forth between them, lifting a brow that could only be one brought on by curiosity and suspicion. 

The blonde follows Jamie down the sidewalk lined with doors, Jamie’s pace much quicker than hers, so she shuffles a jog to catch up. They stop as Jamie fiddles the key into the lock. 

“Are you sure, Jamie? I mean we could go someplace-” 

Jamie shakes her head and stifles a breathy chuckle. “No, no. I can sleep on the floor, the truck even.” She pushes through to reveal the room that is small and, indeed, only has one bed. “You get the bed, it’s no trouble.” 

“Jamie,” Dani is practically pleading. “Oh but that isn’t fair. You’ve been driving all this way. Don’t you dare sleep in the truck.” Her last statement is akin to a mother scolding a child, a warning that impends only greater consequence. 

They remain planted in the middle of the room, the light a dim yellow that splays over the floral and muted tones of the small abode’s fixtures. Their shoulders are nearly touching as they stare before them, eyes strictly avoiding each other’s. 

“The floor then?” Jamie asks roguishly, finally looking over at Dani to see the way she is tensed a bit in contemplation. 

“No, Jamie. The bed,” Dani huffs as she holds a hand out towards it. 

“And you?” Jamie questions, voice low and curious. 

Dani is silent. Not just because the slickness of her voice has sucked the breath from her, but mostly because she is afraid to answer, wondering if stepping too far could be a problem between them. They’re closer now, friendlier and secure. And Dani has her own verdict, thinks nothing of it really. Just two people who need to share a place to sleep for one night. 

“... the bed?” she speaks meekly, a diffident falter in her voice near the end. 

“Blimey,” Jamie jokes as she puts down her bag and begins emptying her pockets onto the vanity beside them. 

Dani shakes her head and closes her eyes, puffing a laugh through her nose. Her cheeks flush a light pink at the little utterance from Jamie. “No, seriously, Jamie. It’s fine. I won’t hog… too much.” 

Jamie’s smile in response is so small Dani almost misses it, but she knows Dani has grounded her enough to get her to feel comfortable with it. 

“Well,” Jamie says as she saunters to the bathroom, beginning to unbutton her top. She peeks her head just around the door jam once most of her body is within the other room. “Only if you promise.”

“Promise.” 

Dani bites her lip as she sits on the bed, hesitant to change her clothing as if there is a new scrutiny and vulnerability menacing the air. She pushes it aside long enough to sheepishly remove her clothing in exchange for her nightgown before hiding herself in the safety of the bedspread, turning out the light beside her. She huddles into the warmth of it and pulls it under her chin, closing her eyes to will herself to sleep before Jamie returns. Finding it will be easier to do so instead of having to face her in the bed beside her. 

But sleep never comes, instead, she is faced with Jamie leaving the bathroom. Paying her no attention as the glow of a cigarette between her lips leads her to sit at the opposing edge of the bed as she rummages through her bag. The room is dark, not much light leaking through except for the moonlight and the guiding street-lamps outside of the motel. However, it is enough. Enough to accentuate every bit of Jamie as Dani stares at her. 

Dani’s eyes travel from the dark hair that is now neatly pinned up to reveal Jamie’s neck that connects to the taut and toned muscles of her bare shoulders that flex as her bent over form works at the items before her. One shoulder is marked substantially by an uneven patch of scarring that runs into the shield of her white tank-top, and Dani wonders where it came from. Somehow she imagines asking her, formulating an explanation during this fabricated moment Dani has molded in her mind. It is representative of her desire to know about Jamie. To know anything she will allow her to in order to do away with the mysterious partition that is Jamie. 

She experiences a wave of shame as the wonders of Jamie intrude her thoughts in an overwhelming swarm. Sending a known feeling of warmth to envelop her core. It is the same warmth she felt when a female friend at college leaned against her shoulder at a party, the same as when another girl placed an innocent kiss on her cheek after walking her home, the same as when the tailor sighed against her shoulder and ran her hand down the curve of Dani’s waist, admiring her in her wedding gown before the mirror. If she allows any honesty with herself, it is the same as when she saw Jamie for the first time.

It is a blend of intense adoration and curiosity that sends Dani reeling in a puddle of want and headiness. Her heart beats overtime, hands grow clammy, mouth suddenly dry. She thinks she is crazy for it, abnormal and dumb in this experience she feels is so isolating. She curses it, loathes it. Wishes more than anything to rip the pulsating thing from her and burn it to ash. But much to Dani’s chagrin, it is malignant. Tied to her no matter how many times she tries to dispose of it. 

Jamie straightens out, muscles flexing so effortlessly in the slight gleam of the night, a cloud of smoke rising around her that briefly masks the exact moment she turns to face Dani. Impulsively, Dani squeezes her eyes shut to prevent Jamie from knowing she was staring, but her delay leaves the only image blooming in her mind being the split second where Dani could see the glint in Jamie’s green eyes, the little smile on her lips as she eyed her with something that resembled care and consideration. It is brief, shorter than brief if that’s possible, but it is marked on a canvas in her mind where it will carve and blossom as a lingering image for her to ponder forever. 

And Jamie’s subtle, pleased huff fills the air, creeping into Dani’s ears as it reignites the intensity she felt just before. Then, she wonders if Jamie, even if it is a mere ounce, can feel it too.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I know it's slow, but it will be taking off soon... get ready for it!
> 
> Sorry this took so long, guys! I hope everyone likes it! Thank you for reading!
> 
> (also any dialogue in this from bly manor is 100% credited to the show, of course.)
> 
> (also the chapter title comes from Hello, It's Me by Todd Rundgren)


	3. a girl out there with love in her eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rural Illinois only means four things: boredom, fireflies, a confession, and an instigation.

Jamie wakes abruptly, breath ragged and hitched with gasps, wide eyes that attempt to toggle focus on the view before her. The room is dark, she assumes it is the early morning given she has found herself in this fear-ridden start almost every day at five AM. Though, there is still a gleam of moonlight peeking through the window that gives her a perfect illustration of the woman sleeping soundly on her side across from her. She thinks it should startle her even more with how close they have grown in distance through their slumber, nearly face to face with a woman she has only known for two days, but the mere inches that are between them only sends a rush of calm through Jamie’s restless bones. She breathes finally, letting the surge of air gust through her terrorized lungs until she is no longer heaving. 

Dani is beautiful. So peaceful as the rise and fall of her chest rides in a soft rhythm. Her pink, full lips are parted so slightly to release the softest songs of slumber that nearly lull Jamie back to sleep, but she is too taken aback by the presence of Dani to even will her own eyes to shut in fear of waking up again where this picture she is guiltily indulging in will be gone. 

There is a hand between them. Dani’s hand lays flatly right in the space between them. She wonders if Dani had reached for her. It is a mindless assumption that Jamie shoots down immediately once she really listens to herself, internally scoffing at the stupidity of even thinking Dani would reach out for her in the night. Why the hell would she do something like that? 

But with that thought, Jamie is hit with a vast revelation. Barrels into her like a freight train, one that is moving at such a tremendous speed that Jamie can’t avoid it like she does every other intense emotional feeling she has almost faced every other time in her life.

She is enamored with Dani. How could she not be? Dani is charming, kind, selfless, and witty. She has a glow and a marveling intricacy to her with every step she takes. It is as if everyone around her is grey and chained by the desolate, mundane nature of the world but like a baffling glory, she gracefully floats about with her vibrance and exuberance. A color so mesmerizing that it deeply contrasts the black & white of everything else. It amazes Jamie. Leaves her strikingly infatuated by the scant idea of Dani. Long, blonde hair flowing in the wind, cornflower eyes that glisten at just the right angle in the sun. With her yellow and baby-blues, florals and stripes, that adorn her blouses and dresses. Every bit of her Jamie quenches in and lets infest her mind every moment. 

Jamie likes Dani, and she loathes herself for it. Because Dani is perfect. Unflawed in every way, soft and dainty. A picturesque representation of what a woman should be. There is no way Dani could be like her. Dani is too centered for that. _Too perfect._

So, when Jamie feels the incredibly, hard-to-resist urge to push that piece of golden hair behind her ear to reveal the face hidden behind it, she seizes and balls her hand in an irritated, self-abhorring fist that has her sitting up, turning around to ground herself with feet firmly placed on the carpet and fingers that grip at the sheets. _For fuck’s sake, Jamie, get a hold of yourself._

She rises and immediately reaches for her trousers, pulling them on in a hurry and grabbing the best friend she has ever had laying on the vanity, her carton of Benson & Hedges, before quietly pushing herself out the door of their motel room. 

Outside, she is met with the breeze of the early morning air nipping at the bare skin of her arms and mid-drift. It is silent, save for a few croaking crickets coming from the creek beyond the parking lot. The area is barren and lonely in a way she never thought could be so harrowing, but it is for all the better given a moment of solitude is exactly what she has been prescribed. 

Leaning against a pillar, she lights a cigarette between her lips, inhaling for much too long. The clawing burn at the back of her throat provides welcoming satiation until she is exasperatedly exhaling into the dark air. She itches her brow with a thumbnail as she curses these feelings that are ricocheting and pulsating within her. Jamie wishes to reprimand them, tell them to go someplace else where they aren’t such a bother, but they find a perpetual home in Jamie where no threatening thoughts could evict them. 

Jamie doesn’t know how long she has been out there. She is too dazed and restless to gauge the time. Only the sun incrementally rising before her and the numerous smoke-butts collecting around her feet give Jamie a semblance of how much time she has spent standing there. 

She startles back to reality when a warm touch lands on her shoulder, the one that is marked with a deep, phantom stinging scar. The touch sends a surge shooting through her from head to toe. She turns quickly, almost defensively and stoically, until she is faced with a back-tracking, concerned Dani. She appears so small under Jamie’s gaze that she realizes may look daunting now that she feels the tension of her jaw and brow. She softens then, softens in remorse and solace that it is Dani before her and no one else. 

Dani stands beside Jamie, closer than the brunette anticipates, but she accepts it. Can’t do much else than that. She also cannot deny the tension that is present from the previous night’s unanticipated predicament. 

“You had me thinking you turned into a statue,” Dani softly remarks with a jovial smirk as she offers Jamie a styrofoam cup of coffee, blonde with powdered creamer. 

Jamie kindly takes the cup, looking at her puzzledly in a silent inquiry of where the coffee seems to have spawned from. 

“Percolator,” Dani explains as she points a thumb behind her at their room, teetering lightly on her heels as she folds her arms, one hand bringing her cup to her lips. She speaks into it, a slightly muffled, “Nifty, I’d say. Don’t have to go off searching for coffee when the room already has some.”  
  
Jamie sips the coffee, holding the bitter, overwhelmingly awful liquid in her mouth before turning away, spitting it back to prevent Dani from seeing to preserve her pride. 

Dani only laughs, shaking her head. “That bad, huh?” 

“Christ,” Jamie curses as she looks down at the cup. “If you wanted me gone you could have told me, Dani. No need to poison me,” she jokes. 

“Haven’t quite got the handle on coffee yet,” Dani smiles timidly, licking her bottom lip as she looks at Jamie with those bashful, innocent eyes. _Damn those eyes_ , she thinks, _damn them_. 

“Remind me to take care of coffee from now on,” she smirks back, the upturn of her lips growing as Dani laughs. Closed eyes, dimples, toothy, and all. Jamie thinks if it, instead, was the offered beverage she would drink it up happily, become drunk within the beauty of Dani’s smile and laughter. 

_No_. The skidding nail of emotional adoration is running deep in a trail through Jamie, stinging and burning. If she could plunge a fist within herself to wrangle the beast in her and wring its neck, she would. 

Jamie runs scanning eyes down the stature of Dani as the blonde is preoccupied with studying the view before them. Dani’s hair seems to have perfectly fallen exactly the way it had the day previous. She has noticed it has become more unkempt, not as straight as the first time she had seen her. Instead, it falls in these perfect, loose waves down to her lower back. Exquisitely lying atop the paisley, short-sleeved button-up she is sporting, tucked into a pair of white, high-waisted shorts she hasn’t seen before. 

“You think we’ll reach Missouri today?” Dani asks, one hand gripping her back as she arches with a stretch. 

Jamie swallows as she looks back up at Dani just seconds before she looks at her too. “Oh, I… Missouri?” Jamie questions, still unaware of most of American geography. She sees a map, full of lines and knows to follow one of them. She doesn’t keep track of cities, states, street names. Nothing. Her route was a narrow tunnel before Dani, taking her from point one to point two. It is more now. It is an adventitious journey with Dani. 

“The next state,” Dani giggles, she points in front of her at an invisible map. “Then it’ll be Kansas, then Colorado,” she says, dotting the air at each imagined location before them. 

Jamie’s adoring simper falters. Three states. That is it, then Dani’s gone. She wonders how long it will take. She honestly fears it will be too short of a time, and she feels selfish in wanting to prolong it. She hides behind her woe with a little smirk, nudging Dani with an elbow. 

“Smart one, you are, Dani Clayton,” she says. 

Dani blushes and shakes her head. “It’s what comes with teaching eight-year-olds basic geography all day.” 

“You’re a teacher?” Jamie asks, suddenly a bit giddy in the new information provided about Dani. She doesn’t know much but the load of information she spilled the day before in the diner. 

She nods. “I was,” she confirms, disappointment cornering in on her through pursed lips and a deep exhale. “Had to quit though. He… _he…_ didn’t want me to work anymore.” 

The very reference to _he_ has Jamie remembering the conversation from yesterday. She had wondered profusely about this man Dani was meant to marry. Feared the way he treated her based on the way she talked about him. She knows nothing of him, merely jumps to the most cynical conclusions about him too. She thinks she would throw him a few punches if she saw him due to the numerous assumptions she has made of him. Curse him for suffocating Dani and forcing her into a situation that she didn’t want. Now, she is learning he had stifled her from a career that she obviously adored. 

Dani shakes her head, a way to simultaneously push them away from delving into the topic of her fiancé and avoid any sympathy that Jamie would offer. Jamie knows the look well, familiar because she, herself, has worn it many times before. 

Jamie softens the air with a sigh, looking out at the trees, electrical lines, and greenery that go on for miles in front of them. 

“How long do you think it will take?” Jamie asks as she sweeps some of the fringe hiding her eyes and stray hairs from her face that are now beginning to fall more abundantly from the pins she set in the night before. “To get to Colorado… from here?” 

Dani hums in thought, a look that is calculating before it abates when looking at Jamie’s hand. 

“Can I have one of those?” Dani asks gently. 

Jamie looks at what she is referring to, the cigarette between her thumb and index finger. She eyes it then Dani skeptically. “One of these?” 

Dani nods, looking almost parched for it. So, Jamie immediately obliges. She fishes through her back pocket and pulls the carton out, flipping the top and extending it out to Dani. Dani daintily grabs one then slips it between her lips, hesitating there as she looks expectantly at Jamie. Dumbly, Jamie just stands there for a few moments, unaware of how to act now with seeing Dani with a cigarette propped so leisurely between her lips. 

“Oh, oh right,” Jamie fumbles as she pulls her gold lighter out and lights it for her, watching as Dani closes her eyes blithely as the smoke fills her mouth with an inhale, and she releases it with a practice that only a person who has done it before could muster. 

“Ah, so you do smoke,” Jamie chuckles. “Cheeky thing lied to me, huh?” 

Dani giggles, stifled under a bitten bottom lip. “I did. A long time ago,” she says as she brings it gently to her lips again for another drag, moaning lightly as she exhales. “Damn and if I didn’t miss it too,” she sighs as she flicks the ash off the end. 

Jamie swallows, pretending for the life of her she did not hear the sound that came from the blonde’s mouth. Hopes to God it was just a figment of her imagination because she cannot let it linger in her mind a moment longer. If she does she swears she may topple over and seize. 

“So… here to Colorado,” Dani begins again, a godsend of an interruption to Jamie’s thinking. “Gosh, I don’t know. If it took us about seven hours to get here… then maybe that,” she shrugs. She tilts her head in a new consideration. “Well no, these other states are bigger and more boring I’ll have to warn you. My friend Rebecca tells me they’re god awful but maybe double that. 15 hours. Three days at our pace,” she says, winking at how casual they travel. Seeming to linger in one place longer than needed. 

Jamie can handle that. Three more days. Not long. Seventy-two hours. Not long at all. Achingly short really. Three days are minutes to Jamie. Time seems to pass her by faster than she wants it to. She prays, prays to whatever may be there to listen, that these three days will drizzle on like molasses because she needs more time. Pleads for more time. She hopes for more…

“You know though… ” Dani sighs. “I wouldn’t mind making it four. It’s boring here, in Van… Vans… what the hell is this town called?” 

Jamie squints at the motel sign where she remembers seeing it. “ _Van-day-lia_ , _Van-doll-ia_ , fuck if I know,” Jamie says, uttering her go at numerous pronunciations. 

Dani chuckles. “As I was saying, it’s boring here, wherever we are… but I think we deserve a day off from our driving. We can find something to do.” 

Jamie looks over at her and bobs her head as she pretends to consider the proposition. She doesn’t need to think about it, but she can’t seem eager. She is not the one to show how excited something makes her, but she can’t deny how another 24 hours with Dani makes her feel. Fills her with something she can only assume is hope, joy, gratitude. Everything positive a person can feel, she is feeling just now. 

“Sounds fine to me.” She drops her cigarette, stubbing it out with the toe of her boot. “Think we can start by finding some breakfast. Somewhere that doesn’t absolutely desecrate their coffee.” 

Dani tries on an offended look, complete with rolled eyes and crossed arms; however, it dissolves into laughter as she agrees with a keen nod. 

As predicted, there is nothing to do in the desolate town. No one to talk to, nowhere to go. They find their breakfast in an old diner owned by an old woman and her husband. They are fed well, fawned over because of Dani’s infectious personality and the token of Jamie’s foreign accent and nature. 

After that, however, they are stuck in the motel room. Both settled on either side of the bed. Dani leans against the headboard as she watches the television, a saccharine sitcom that Dani smiles or chortles at here and there as she flips through an abandoned magazine she found in one of the drawers in the room. Jamie lays on her back on the other side, legs folded and a paperback in hand. They are so immersed with their choices in media, that they hardly noticed the sunset, don’t pay much mind to the chirping crickets and hooting of howls that hint at the impending deep night. 

A gasp rings through the room and a hand grips Jamie’s wrist, sending her jumping and dropping her book to her chest. 

“Jamie!” Dani exclaims as she stumbles over Jamie and rushes to the window. Jamie cranes her neck to eye Dani curiously, raising a brow as she wonders what has just happened to Dani. 

With her eyes still drawn out the window, she beckons enthusiastically for Jamie to join her. “Come here! You have to see, Jamie. You have to!” 

Jamie groans softly as she rises from the bed, padding over. She rubs her eyes as the strain of the text she has been looking at all day seems to have done a number on them. “Alright, alright,” she sighs as she stands beside her looking up, abruptly stopping as she squints out the window. “The fuck is that?”

Dani laughs and smiles over at her, so giddy that she thinks a child must have taken over Dani’s body. “Fireflies.” 

Jamie has not a clue what that means. All she knows is the field of wheatgrass across from the motel is abundantly peppered with a glowing swarm of vibrant yellow. 

Her wrist is gripped again. “Come on,” Dani says as she holds her hand to pull her out the door. 

Jamie stumbles.

“Hold on,” she says, trying to free herself from Dani’s grip. “Dani, wait. My boots.” 

Dani scoffs with a quick nod. “Right, shoes. We need shoes.” 

They both sit on the ground as they pull on their boots, zipping them both before Jamie is catapulted into the night in Dani’s tow. 

“So, you gonna tell me what a firefly is?” Jamie asks as they approach the field, the little glowing insects flying about the blades of grass. 

Dani shrugs. “Flies that glow, I guess. They were everywhere when I was a kid,” she says as she walks into the grass, allowing herself to be surrounded by the bugs. Extending hands to either side of her until she has a couple in each palm. She attracts them on her fingers and smiles at them lovingly as if they are her children. 

“Come on, Jamie,” Dani urges. But Jamie stays put, not finding the idea of being surrounded by these alien insects appealing at all. Dani clicks her tongue to her teeth when Jamie doesn’t join her. “They don’t bite, come on!” 

Jamie sighs and hesitantly urges forward until she is in the knee-length wheatgrass, the bugs steer clear in her path until she joins Dani who immediately places one in Jamie’s palm. 

The brunette looks down at the little, bright, and hideous thing in her hand. It lingers as Jamie stares at it in a newly established awe until it flutters away. Jamie chokes out an astonished laugh as she watches it.

“Not so bad, right?” Dani asks as she takes Jamie’s hand to pull her farther in, lacing her fingers perfectly with Jamie’s until they are near the center of the field. 

“They remind me of glow-worms,” Jamie decides as they continue observing the little bugs, eyes fixated on one that flies around them. 

“A glow-worm?” Dani questions curiously. 

“Only saw one once in the little village I lived in, in Lancashire. Little nasty thing with a glowin’ arse,” she says as she digs a toe in the dirt below her. “My brother squashed it and I cried,” she mumbles, chuckling softly as she remembers vividly. She was seven years old, holding the thing in her palms with the utmost, maternal care as she looked down at it inquisitively, only to have her nine-year-old brother, Denny, swat it from her hands to deliberately kill it with his boot. She did indeed cry. Wailed like a baby to her mother who couldn’t care less, only shooed her away with rolling eyes. She shivers at the memory, ignites it with an internal flame until it is nothing but ash again in her distant conscience. 

“Jamie cries?” Dani jokes as she beckons Jamie further down the grass’s path. 

Jamie beams at Dani and shakes her head. “Oh all the time,” she admits, a lighthearted tone on her words. “If I’m being totally honest, I probably cry four times a day at least. Shed a tear at any old thing.” 

“Hard to believe,” Dani says as her body turns into one with a puffed out chest and flexed biceps, deepening her voice a tad to mock that of a masculine pitch. “Always seemed to be a tough one, burly and all.” 

“You calling me manly, then?” Jamie laughs. “I know I’m short on looks but damn Dani, that hurts. A man?” 

Dani gasps and holds Jamie’s hand with hers. Her eyes are worried now, obviously oblivious to Jamie’s dry humor. “Dear God, you are _not_ short on looks,” she says, that last part dignified. “No way. You’re beautiful, beyond beautiful.” 

Jamie blushes as she squeezes Dani’s hand. “Take me out to dinner first,” she jokes, leaving Dani flushing in a grin before her. She slaps Jamie’s shoulder playfully. 

“Was worried there for a sec you were gonna dump back off on the highway.” 

“Oh never,” Jamie says.

They grow silent again, walking side by side on a little path that seems to have been walked before due to its lack of grass and firm dirt below their steps. 

“So.” Dani looks at Jamie. “You have a brother?” 

Jamie gulps, looking down at her feet as her shoulders pump a slight shrug. “I… yeah, two brothers. I don’t know ‘em much anymore though.” 

“How come?” Dani asks, clearing her throat once she says the words. 

Jamie wonders if she meant to ask it. Forgotten that they still don’t know each other well enough to dive into a topic this heavy and personal. She looks over briefly to see that remorseful face she has already seen on Dani’s face before. 

Usually, an attempt like this to peek into her life would anger her. Send her verbally berating a person who would even have the audacity to ask that, but she trusts Dani. Is honestly surprised she has allowed this much trust for Dani to seep into her. 

She knows Dani is searching for eyes now, trying to get a look from her to at least explain what she means or to apologize. So, she offers Dani that, and the expression she is giving her sends Dani looking at her sympathetically. She can only imagine it has got to appear depressing, completely morose as she is full-frontal to Dani with her emotions now. 

“We got split up.” Jamie sighs. “Long ago. I was only eleven. Little brother, Mikey, was still a baby at that point. Our mum left, split while I was at school…” She pauses, releasing steamy air as the fury is beginning to rest in her again. She hasn’t spoken of this in a long while. “Dad worked in the mines all day… worked with coal so much I reckon he had one nestled between his ribs because he wasn’t… all there, didn’t take to myself or my brothers too well. Thing is-uh... kids aren’t supposed to raise kids. So, accidents happen. Bad things follow and suddenly you’re at the opposite end of town in a home that isn’t yours getting taken care of by strangers who want nothin’ to do with you either.” 

Dani doesn’t allow herself to touch Jamie to give her condolences; however, she brushes her so lightly with her shoulder as they continue walking. She hears the slight sounds of Dani parting her lips in search for something to say, and Jamie doesn’t expect anything. She hopes, in fact, that Dani just forgets she said anything and moves on. 

But, as Jamie has learned, Dani has a bounty of words. Once in a while, just like anyone else, she will speak too brashly and say something wrong. But most of the time she speaks with the utmost regard and poise. Jamie hopes Dani will redeem her character and provide her with the latter. 

“Parents are a cursed thing aren’t they?” Dani kicks a rock in front of them as she walks, never looking at Jamie. “Seems it’s all too common that people have babies for the wrong reasons,” she says. 

Jamie has no idea where this is going, but it has piqued enough of her interest that she is eyeing Dani, interested in full.

“People are… selfish in their want to have children… force these little beings into a world they had no say in being a part of… then these people neglect and expect- expect too much from them. Shouldn’t be that way.” Dani sighs, and Jamie can feel this familiar sting of tears welling as Dani continues, finally meeting Jamie’s eyes with her own. “That’s how all of love is… I think. We want something… _somebody_ … in our own selfishness… And when we get it, _if we get it_ , it’s up to us to nurture and care for the other person. Believe that nothing else in the world can matter more than them. There is no place for neglect, no place for possession, no place for over-expectation. Just- just… I don’t know. Just selfless love, really.” 

Oh, Jamie could cry. Honestly, it has taken her a number of hardy gulps to down the lump in her throat that threatens to spill her tears. She wishes she could have taken down Dani’s words, so she could shove it in the faces of all the people who have wronged her. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her foster families, her lovers, everyone. Because there has not been one person who has not wronged her in her life. Even herself. Most of all, herself. She needs the reminder too, to wash and cure the greed she has engulfed herself in over her years. 

“Yeah,” she manages to muster in a croak, sniffling lightly. “You’re right. Selfless.” Jamie nods. 

Dani gives a pitying _tsk_ , and now Jamie feels pathetic as the emotions continue racing through her. She doesn’t cry, won’t dare let a damn tear fall from her eyes. No, she has spent too many years building a strong levee there, and no issue of flood-like tears could break through them. 

She stops, facing Jamie in a stance that urges her to do the same. Once she does, Dani is grabbing her hand, holding it tight, and brushing her skin with a thumb that sends a shiver slithering through Jamie’s body. 

Those blue eyes are looking at her now, and they are blinding. Bright like headlights that Jamie thinks she should be shielding her face and turning away from in their wake. They burn through her, leaving her vulnerable. She feels like everything within her can be read like an open book to Dani. Her entire being in a giant font for Dani to read so freely, and she wants to retract. Push her away, tell her that anything she thinks, anything she is reading is a farce. Fictional, in its purest form. But Jamie is laid out before her, bare and open for Dani to take anything she wishes. 

But Dani does not take. She receives only what is willingly given and looks away when Jamie insinuates that she can no longer handle Dani’s gaze. Jamie could crumble when she becomes aware of that formidable notion. 

Then those eyes are falling until they land right on Jamie’s pursed lips. Stopping there for a moment that could be regarded as too long. Much too long, and now Jamie has a thirst. A thirst and an ache that need to be tended to or she thinks she may break, become nothing more than little fragments in the soil beneath them. 

And she thinks she is imagining it when Dani grows closer, tilting her head ever so slightly as her eyes grow hooded, lashes twitching in a wanton of desire. However, the very movement is sobering and enlightening in its honesty that Jamie’s heart is racing in anticipation as she prepares for the contact. 

But as the distance between them becomes only a centimeter or two, there is a halt. An intense ebb that is akin to a symphony crashing to a screeching silence upon a rude interruption. Squalling like the gears on a train coming to an unexpected stop. Brakes that scream when an animal runs into the middle of the road. 

Like a heart that pumps fluidly at an exhilarating pace only for it to paralyze and drop in a bomb-like crash in the pit of a stomach where it explodes with enough inertia to send a person reeling. 

Jamie’s heart. 

Dani peels back and looks down, huffing in a kind of frustration that can only come from a person cursing cowardice. Then, she is huddling into herself, making herself so small in an undeniable statement of shame. 

After an eternity of silence, except for heavy breathing and a grasp of joined hands that have never parted, Dani intakes a deep breath. 

“You know, Jamie,” Dani begins, weakly. “I’m so glad… that I’ve met you. You’ve… you’ve done for me things that no one has ever done for me, and I- I… God, what am I…” Her words are feeble, scared and nervous. But slumped shoulders rise again, straight and motivated. She sighs a bout of courage. “Jamie, I don’t know much about you, probably never will, but I think you are one of the most generous people I have ever met, so…just thank you, and- and. _Fuck._ I have no idea what I’m trying to say,” she says, lip trembling now as she looks away in the emptiness of the night. Now faced with the consequences of the move she attempted to make. “I don’t know what to say,” she mutters. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve-” 

Jamie undoes the clasp of their hands and holds Dani at her elbows, enough of a steadying grip that it interrupts Dani’s anxious rambling. A puddle of words that make no sense, only a hopeless attempt at an explanation for a move she thinks was wrong to instigate. But Jamie believes otherwise. Still feels the warmth of desire dispersing within her, but she won’t push it. Would never act on her impulses given the fact her hands are the only things that are holding the shaking Dani in place and preventing her from melting before her eyes. 

“It’s okay, Dani,” Jamie assures as she searches for the eyes that are darting every place but her direction. “Dani, really, it’s fine. Do you hear me, Dani? You did nothin’ wrong.” 

“But… Jamie.” She squeezes her eyes shut, now becoming nothing more than a blubbering mess of tears. “Jamie it isn’t right, the way I feel. I always... _God_.” She moans as she wipes at her face with a vigor that leaves her skin red and raw within the trail of her fingertips.

Jamie doesn’t know how to inform Dani that these feelings weren’t misconstrued, weren’t foreign or unwarranted. Instead, she grabs the hand that is coming back up to violently wipe at tearful blue eyes to prevent the ill-willed contact that is only meant to cause harm to herself. 

“Dani, look at me,” Jamie whispers. Glassy, fragile eyes apprehensively meet hers. “There we go, just look at me, love.” Dani attempts stabilizing herself with heaving breaths and Jamie gently thumbs away tears that continue streaming. “You’ve gone through a lot in the last couple days, love. If we’re being honest, a ton in the lot of your life. Too much for a person to handle, and I think you need rest. Yeah?” 

Dani nods, shuddering out hitched puffs of air. 

“Sounds nice, doesn’t it?” Jamie chuckles, as she tenderly smooths the side of Dani’s hair before wrapping an arm around her shoulder, turning them back towards the motel. She leads them down the path. “Really Dani, it’s okay. Alright?” 

Dani nods, still not entirely convinced as her little gesture of understanding is indisposed and slight.

Jamie bites her lip and looks down at their legs that are moving in the same rhythm, unhurried and graceless even. She bumps her temple against Dani’s. “And who the hell knew?” she suspires as her hand gives Dani’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before it rides up and down the length of Dani’s bicep soothingly. 

Dani looks at her confusedly, until it softens in comprehension. The corner of her mouth upturns minutely and hopeful, nostrils huffing a little laugh. 

Jamie shakes her head, biting back a smile of endearment towards the woman flush against her, and sighs out again: 

“Who the hell knew?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Alright, alright! Things are a brewing between these two 👀. 
> 
> Hope you are all liking it. Feedback and recommendations are always welcome and enjoyed!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! 
> 
> (chapter title comes from Going to California by Led Zeppelin, a song that literally reminds me of Jamie so much wow. Give it a listen if you haven’t.)


	4. how easy it feels to be with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With only a day left together and a night stranded under the stars, Dani and Jamie indulge in what time is left.

“Look at that one there, that’s the-that’s the… _dammit._ ” Jamie snaps her finger and shakes her head. “Oh… Sagittarius, that’s what it is.” Her pointer-finger stretches out to point towards the sky, sketching along a path that forms the constellation she sees in the indigo sky with a plethora of bright stars above them. 

They sit in the bed of her truck, blankets under them and an infinite conglomeration of plains surrounding them. A little transistor radio is perched on the side of them, playing the only station they could tune into which happens to only play the outdated nostalgia of old war tunes and country music. An oil lamp rests beside them, illuminating both of them in the growing darkness. They sit flush against each other, legs sprawled before them and propped up by arms behind them. 

Jamie’s pickup truck — a green, beater Chevy she found for sale upon arriving in New York — is, as she so kindly puts it, _a piece of shit,_ so they ended up here stranded in the night after the engine overheated for the fourth time on her journey, the first time with Dani. So, they reasoned if they are in the middle of nowhere in Missouri, nowhere to go and no one to bother them, they would be fine sleeping in the truck for one night in hopes it will run fine again by morning. 

It is not a foreign thing to Jamie. Pennsylvania saw her sleeping in the back of it before she resumed her travels. In all honesty, it was her plan to sleep in the damn thing until Dani turned up and introduced her to the luxury of small-town motels that seem to line every marked area on the map. 

Dani rests her head on Jamie’s shoulder, mind clearly a bit loose by the day’s accumulated exhaustion and the couple of beers they have both downed in the last two hours. She gazes up. 

“Never took you as a star-gazer.” 

Jamie shrugs as she brings the can of beer to her mouth. “Full of surprises aren’t I?”

Dani hums in agreement and continues eyeing the stars. 

“What are you?” Dani asks simply; however, there is no context to support her words, so Jamie tilts her head in confusion. She gets a bit nervous by the question, no matter its simplicity, wondering if it is something philosophical or merely a small question Dani has spouted erroneously. 

Dani giggles upon realizing her mistake. “Your zodiac,” she adds. 

“Taurus,” Jamie answers simply. “Born on the first of May.” 

Dani gasps and peels back. “You’re a Taurus?!” 

Jamie eyes her inquisitively, a smile rising to her lips as she sits back expectantly. 

“I’m a Cancer!” she exclaims, a hand against her chest as if she is introducing herself to Jamie for the first time again. As if this information could mean a single thing to Jamie in the slightest, but it doesn’t. 

Jamie gives her a feigned impressed look, nodding her head with pursed, protruded lips. “Hm.” 

“You have no idea what this means, do you?”

Jamie shakes her head, a crooked smirk rising to her mouth as Dani sighs and rolls her eyes gently. It should be annoying, but Jamie only finds it endearing in its immature essence. 

“I’m ruled by the Moon. You’re ruled by Venus,” she begins. “Means I’m really… emotional. Which is true. I cry all the time, big grin one minute, crying the next, you know?”

“Oh yes, yes I do,” Jamie says. 

Dani scoffs and slaps Jamie’s knee light-heartedly. She watches as Jamie pulls their shared vice from her jacket pocket, and she refrains from continuing her commentary as Jamie takes the first drag of a newly-lit cigarette. Dani extends her hand and takes the proffered lit cigarette from Jamie. 

“As I was saying,” she says, mid-inhale, returning the cigarette to Jamie. “You’re Venus. Grounded and loyal. Cancers are loyal too, you know? Read in a Cosmo that Taurus and Cancer get along together very well.” 

Jamie about chokes on the smoke traveling down her throat. “A Cosmo? You read that in a Cosmo, Dani?” 

Dani nods and takes a drink of the beer she abandoned at the foot of the bed shortly before. 

Jamie raises a brow, an impish simper growing on her lips. “Dani, you flirt,” she speaks lowly, a hint of jest in her voice. 

However, internally she can’t get rid of the idea that astrology — something Jamie has been persistent in believing is nothing but mythical bullshit — is somehow defining Jamie and Dani being compatible. It warms her in an odd way, leaves her in a sense of comfort and relief that she is not the only one who thinks there is something going on between them. No, the stars, the planets, the moon, that journalist at Cosmopolitan, they all think it too. 

Dani can only muster a bashful smile in response before returning to her previous position just beside Jamie, crossing her legs and brushing Jamie’s thigh gently and innocently with her knee, but it still sends Jamie having to hide a shudder that is pulsing through her. 

Dani releases a sigh, her eyes meeting Jamie’s for a moment before looking back up at the sky. 

Jamie marvels in the ease that radiates between them. An ease that was apparent when they awoke this morning, inches apart when both of them opened their eyes only to be met with each other’s morning gazes. Apparent in the way they laughed together over a mutually enjoyed film they had seen as kids as they simultaneously brushed their teeth side by side before the small sink in the bathroom. Apparent in the way Dani took a last look at the room before linking her arm in Jamie’s to depart the motel they had shared their time in. 

As expected, neither of them addressed the previous night’s predicament; however, Jamie hasn’t forgotten. In a distant area of her mind, a vivid version of the memory replays over and over, and she thinks Dani remembers too at just the same level. Indeed, there is a reciprocal affection blossoming between them. Neither of them familiar with the inkling enough to act on it or to approach it in a substantial matter. Regardless, Jamie assumes, like herself, Dani is happily letting this novel sentiment encompass her entirely.

“What’s the first thing you’ll do when you get to L.A.?” Dani asks. 

Jamie shrugs, hardly wanting to think of that because it means the inevitable of having to turn up without Dani by her side. They have spent a trivial amount of time together, but Jamie already mourns the time she will have to endure without her. Without her humor, without her warmth, without her laughter. A day and a few hours and they will go their separate ways and go about their lives as if none of this happened. 

The conflict that provides is a heavy one for Jamie. Surely, never telling Dani the way she feels will make the departure easier; however, there is a dull ache in her chest when she realizes Dani may never know how she feels about her. That if she just mustered the courage to blurt it out, yell it to the heavens, that a piece of her will remain with Dani for good. 

Jamie ponders for a few seconds. “Guess I’ll drive straight to Hannah and Owen’s, my friends. Probably have a drink, then sleep.” 

“You think you’ll stay there?” 

“In Los Angeles? Yeah, probably. Unless it’s awful… then no.” 

Dani huffs a soft laugh. “You never told me why you’re going to L.A. I’ve tried asking you, but you’ve never said.” 

“You have?” Jamie asks. It is very much like Jamie to let someone else do all the talking and comfortably reside in the position of the listener. It is more kosher that way, much more natural. Dani only nods and looks over at Jamie, waiting. 

“I’m a gardener,” Jamie begins. A glint forms in Dani’s eyes at the new information, leaving Jamie to admire the look for a moment. It is tender and endearing, and Jamie can’t contest how adorable it is. She takes a focusing breath. “Worked for a landscaping company for a while. Got bored, much too bored to keep on with it, and... just around the time I was feeling sorry for myself, miserable and such, Owen called to tell me the front across from the restaurant he owns was up for rent. Told me L.A. was calling my name and so was the little building… Supposed he was right, so I made a deal with the old tenant and... yeah… I’m opening a florist. Bit of a spontaneous idea, but I like it. Keeps me on my toes… Gives me something to look forward to for a change.”

Dani grins at her, a look of the purest adoration across her face. “You’re a gardener?” she asks finally, tone mildly flabbergasted. “And a businesswoman? _Jamie..._ ” She shakes her head, post Jamie’s name slipping from her lips in a fashion that scolded in its most gentle form. “Not what I thought of you at all.” 

Jamie’s taken aback, apparent by a craned back neck. “What’d you think, then?” 

Dani parts her lips in search of the description she has residing somewhere in that mind of hers. She gestures her hands in a fashion that attempts to brew the thoughts from her to express to Jamie. “I don’t know. You just seem… too tough for that, maybe? I mean, Jamie, you have a leather jacket on. You can’t expect I’d think a leather-jacket-wearer would be a gardener.” 

Jamie feigns affrontedness and raises a brow. “Oh, so we’re being honest with each other now, eh?” 

“Yeah,” she smiles until it dissipates to earnestness. “I just thought that’s where we are now. Full-fledged honesty.” 

“Wanna know what I thought of you?” Jamie asks, a newly established courage igniting in her now, a feeling she blames on the couple beers providing a new lightness to her head. 

Dani eyes her skeptically, almost fearful in regard to her character that she seems to protect at all costs. However, a glisten of what Jamie assumes is challenge claims her eyes. “I don’t know, do I?” 

Jamie shrugs smugly. “Do you?” 

“Now you’re just being a tease,” Dani huffs, itching her forearm nervously. “Fine, yes, I do want to know.” 

“Thought, _the hell is this dainty, little thing doing on the side of the road?_ ” Jamie says. “Then that dainty little thing looked at me and I realized she’s not all that dainty after all. She’s tough, motivated… and hurt. I knew it the moment I saw ya.” 

“Knew what?” 

“There was something wrong,” she claims. “There was conflict going through that pretty mind of yours.” Jamie twirls a pointed finger in the direction of Dani’s head. 

Dani hardly smiles at the gesture to her mind. She is too focused on Jamie’s words. Obviously, she finds them hard to believe. “You rounded all that up the moment you saw me?” 

Jamie gives a single, confident nod. “Sure did.” 

“ _Bullshit,”_ Dani chuckles dubiously. 

“What?” she scoffs. “You don’t believe me, huh? You really think I’d just pick up a random stranger for no good reason?” 

“No,” Dani agrees. “I think there was a reason, just not a _good reason._ I think you just picked me up because I was a woman, vulnerable in my _dainty femininity_. I find it hard to believe that you gathered all that, from what... a look?”

Jamie puts her hands up in defeat. “Fine don’t believe me,” Jamie chides. “You won’t believe that but you believe the astrological, sun-and-stars-control-all-people thing?” 

“Hey, that’s different.”

“How so?” Jamie questions. “Intuition is less believable than astrology?” 

Dani pauses, squinting her eyes as her previous serious expression softens into a smile. “Touché.”

Jamie chuckles as she takes a long drag from her cigarette, facing away to exhale. 

“I’m happy you did, you know?” Dani says softly, garnering Jamie’s attention again. Dani runs a hand through her hair. “Who knows what would’ve happened to me…”

“You’d have gotten to Colorado in five hours rather than five days,” Jamie smirks. 

Dani bobs her head as she juggles the idea. “Yeah. Suppose you’re right. But… this is far better, Jamie. Much better.”

Jamie hasn’t got a clue how to respond to that, so she moves on to another topic, repeating Dani’s question to her, “What’s the first thing you’ll do when you get there?” 

Dani looks at her, studying Jamie for a moment before sighing and looking down at her lap, her thumbs fiddling there. She gives a meek shrug. 

“I don’t know,” she mumbles. “Haven’t really thought about it. I don’t really have a plan. I’ll probably have a drink… then sleep.” 

Jamie huffs a laugh at Dani intentionally mirroring her response. 

“I won’t stay there though,” Dani says. “Nothing for me there, and I’ll have to face him at some point.” 

“Do you really?”

Dani nods glumly, dismay at her weakness rising in her, apparent through her knit brows and slumped shoulders. It is fought back immediately as she perks back up, eyeing the radio.

“Oh! I love this song,” she says as she turns up the little volume knob on the transistor, an obvious ploy to avert the attention to something else. 

Jamie hardly recognizes the song, but soon realizes it is _Rum & Coca-Cola. _A song she is surprised she remembers, and she doesn’t seem to share the same enjoyment as Dani does towards it. This is clear through their juxtaposed states — Jamie remaining sat in place, unphased and indifferent; whereas Dani bobs her head and mumbles the lyrics to herself exuberantly. 

“Dance with me,” Dani says, grinning as she grabs at Jamie’s wrist.

Jamie scoffs and shakes her head. “Hell no.” 

“Oh, come on, Jamie. Pleaseee,” she whines with a pouted lip as she stands to her feet, causing the truck to shake a bit under them.

Jamie is blushing now, biting back a coy smile. “Dani, I can’t dance for the life of me. Don’t you dare make me.” 

Dani jumps off the truck, landing barefoot in the grass below her. She reaches out for Jamie again who slides forward to sit at the end of the bed, legs dangling from it. She refuses to go further. 

“Dani, I don’t even know how to dance to this.” 

For some reason, Jamie doesn’t expect Dani to show her. In fact, it is possible her mind wouldn’t even entertain the idea given it would possibly send Jamie into a state of shock. Could be her mind is right because Jamie is nearly gawking when Dani steps back, preparing her stance with a cheeky smirk. 

“Like this,” she smiles at Jamie. It takes her a few measures, but soon she finds a rhythm in the calypso refrains. Effortlessly, she oscillates her hips side to side to each beat, thumbs hooked in her belt loops to guide her movement. 

Watching Dani dance before her, dangerously close to sultry-like, has the time revolving around Jamie moving at such a languid pace. It is as if the scenery surrounding Dani is nothing but a hazy bokeh, and she is front and center in a striking focus. The sounds pooling in Jamie’s ears are a pleasing blend of stunned static and the music spouting from the little radio. Like a tunnel, there is nothing that could phase Jamie, her full attention is locked on Dani before her. 

Her appalled and intrigued eyes gawk at Dani, who has got her own eyes closed and lip bit in focus. Jamie gazes down, watching the way her hips sway, leading to the toned, peach skin of her legs that move with a finesse that couldn’t be deemed amateur in the slightest. 

Jamie swallows, attempting to soothe the increased pace of the thumping in her chest and the dryness encompassing her mouth; however, it doesn’t achieve anything of the sort because Jamie is still sitting there shocked. Still ogling Dani in a state that she can only imagine is humiliating and inappropriate in every way. But she can’t look away, can’t seem to understand how something so minute as dancing can have her so dialed over suddenly. 

Before Jamie can even comprehend the thirst and desire that is building within her, she is reaching out for Dani’s wrist. Nearly falling off of the truck in her effort until she gets a grip of her target. She pulls her wrist forward, the new contact causing Dani to abruptly stop her entrancing dance to oblige to Jamie’s urging. 

Her emerald eyes meet the blues that are filled with wonder at Jamie’s intentions. They are inquisitive and innocent as they dart back and forth between Jamie’s. Her lips even part to question her as Jamie hesitates for a moment to decide if initiating is the right thing to do. However, she doesn’t let another moment linger. Jamie grabs Dani by the collar of her shirt and meets her lips with her own. A contact filled with purpose, breath held and warmth accumulating between them. 

Jamie feels two hands rest at her shoulders, a slight push to them, so she backs off. An immediate rush of fear rises in her as she watches Dani in front of her, head bowed forward and breathing in rushed heaves. Mortified regret starts bubbling in the pit of her stomach as she watches Dani subtly shake her head. Dani’s hands linger at her shoulders, gripping for stability, and the touch begins to sting as Jamie fears her advance was unwarranted

She feels she could weep and hide away for the rest of her days in embarrassment until piercing eyes meet hers again, dilated and starved. An exhilarated smile grows on Dani’s lips. Then, she leans forward again, but Jamie jerks back before they can meet. 

“Are you sure?” she mutters. 

“Uh-huh,” Dani sighs with a puff of tickling hot breath on Jamie’s lips, a small nod following to instill permission. 

Gently this time, Jamie leans in, kissing her with a touch so tender and cautious. Merely tasting the sweetness of Dani, which is mixed with what should be repulsive, beer and cigarettes, but surprisingly it makes Dani all the more addicting and inebriating. 

Once she feels Dani’s arms wrap around her neck, one hand coming to settle at the back of her head, Jamie deepens the kiss, garnering a slight moan from the blonde as she grips onto Jamie’s hair, gentle but determined. 

Placing her hands on either side of Dani’s face, Jamie holds her jaw as she parts her lips as an invitation, allowing Dani to softly engage Jamie with a gentle tongue, a movement that elicits a nearly soundless gasp from the brunette. 

Jamie cannot believe her luck. Sitting here with her hands lowering down the curve of Dani’s waist to plant at her hips, thighs spreading to give room for Dani to stand between them as she pulls her closer until her pelvis is flush with the truck. She continues kissing Jamie as if she has been starved for weeks, months even, and Jamie is the only thing providing substantial satiation. It is a delicious thing, akin to what Jamie can only imagine heaven must be like. So amazing, that Jamie can already feel an aching heat form within her, one she is sure will be pleading for care. 

She peels back to explore the rest of Dani with her lips. She plants kisses beginning at her jaw, stilling for a moment over Dani’s pulse point, parting her lips where she brushes a tongue against the thump of her pulse at the sensitive skin there. The sensation has Dani bowing her head back and sighing out. 

“Jamie,” she whispers, breath turning incrementally ragged as Jamie makes her way down, sliding the collar of Dani’s shirt aside to make room for lips on her clavicle. Her kisses are gentle but firm enough to make Dani shiver audibly as Jamie trails back up on the other side until their lips are meeting again. 

Hungrily, Dani makes a mess of the kiss in her efforts to join Jamie back on the truck. With a knee perched on the bed, she lifts herself with arms gripped around Jamie for support. Jamie grips her by the small of the back to help her up, eyes darting around Dani’s face as she watches her settle in a straddle against Jamie’s hips. 

Dani pushes her hair back, bucking her hips lightly into Jamie’s as she pushes their mouths back together, more fervent now as they tangle and dance their tongues within each other's parted lips, tasting each other and quenching in the nectar each is offering the other. Dani brushes her tongue against Jamie’s bottom lip, enveloping it with a gentle suck that makes Jamie groan lowly in the back of her throat. 

Jamie’s hands trail down the length of Dani’s back, circling around where she blindly find the knot of Dani’s shirt that is tied just above her navel. Jamie fumbles with the knot, mind too fogged to do it with any finesse; however, a few more attempts and she unravels it. 

She parts from the kiss to pull Dani’s shirt open to reveal a navy blue bra that perfectly accentuates the swell of Dani’s perfect breasts. She takes a moment to examine the flushed skin of her chest, stroking her thumbs on either side of Dani’s ribs, a tongue darting out to lick her top lip because the image before her is the most stunning thing she thinks she has ever seen.

Dani places a firm hand on Jamie’s chest and urges her to lay back, to which Jamie obliges and gazes up at Dani above her, pristine confidence erupting from the blonde as she tends to Jamie now. She slides Jamie’s jacket down her arms until she can do away with it. Then she grips the hem of her polo, tucked sloppily into her flares. Jamie watches Dani pull her shirt from her waistband and she pulls it gently over her head, tossing it behind Jamie. 

Jamie lays there, looking at a clearly shocked Dani who wasn’t expecting there not to be a bra under the shirt. Much to her surprise, she is met with a bare Jamie, laying before her with creamy skin that illuminates before Dani, leaving her eyes wide and filled with wonder. 

Dani, adventurous and skeptical in ever way, reaches down to run a piloting hand down Jamie’s chest, seemingly too nervous to stop at her breasts at first, but a spark of bravery glistens in her eyes as she takes one in her hand, rolling a thumb over Jamie’s peaked nipple which causes her to shiver lightly, moaning lowly. 

Jamie is aware that Dani is unfamiliar with this kind of intimacy, and it is confirmed when Dani freezes above her as she is obviously unaware of what to do next. So, Jamie grabs her by the elbows and pulls her down to join their lips again, kissing each other in a rhythmic and keen dance. Without peeling away, Jamie turns Dani over so she is lying with her back against the bed of the truck now.

Jamie leaves a trail of kisses, slow and teasing to the point Dani is nearly writhing underneath her, rubbing her knees together for friction. She stops at Dani’s neck, biting until Dani hisses, darting a tongue out quickly to soothe the burn which elicits a nearly hyper-erotic moan, leaving Jamie to wonder what kinds of sounds Dani will make if she initiates further. If a sound slips like that now, what on Earth could be the response to something more? 

She slides down the route of Dani’s body, mouth exploring. Stopping at her chest to gently raise her upper-body to access the clasp of her bra, undoing it and letting it slide down Dani’s arms. She eyes the newly bare chest now, the dim yellow glow of the lamp perfectly emphasizes her flushed and raggedly heaving sternum. 

“Beautiful,” Jamie mutters in awe as she takes one of the plump breasts into her palm, lightly pinching Dani’s plumb nipple, causing Dani to bow her neck back, a pleasured whine leaving her. “So fuckin’ beautiful, Dani.” 

Jamie takes not another moment before going back to work with her lips. 

“Jamie,” Dani gasps as Jamie’s lips trail down her chest to her taut stomach. The voice alerts Jamie, so she slides up again to hover over Dani below her, eyes locked on her. “Jamie, I don’t know… I don’t know how.” 

Jamie nods. “I’ve got you,” she whispers as she kisses the soft skin of Dani’s neck. “I’ve got you, Dani,” she says again, this time followed by a kiss to her shoulder. 

She pulls the button of Dani’s denim shorts through its loop, unzipping them swiftly and pulling the tight denim down the length of her legs. 

Jamie slides back up to check on Dani. “You okay?” she asks. To which Dani nods.

“Please, Jamie,” she begs, groaning as Jamie palms her over her underwear.

“You’re sure, Dani?” Jamie asks again, wanting nothing more than to be certain that there is a mutual understanding between them. Which, the desperate nature of Dani should be enough of an confirmation; however, Jamie needs to see it expressed concretely. 

And with frustrated, furrowed brows Dani nods again, shuddering out a choked, “ _Yes_.”

Jamie looks around them, searching for any evidence of life. But there is no need to worry given they are in the middle of nowhere in an abandoned sector of farmland. 

She looks back down at Dani, indulging in the sight before her. A woman underneath her stricken with confliction. A woman so confidently ready to be taken at the same time as being nervous in every sense, catapulted into a situation that is unfamiliar and exhilarating. 

“You tell me if something is wrong, okay?” Jamie says as she hooks two fingers at Dani’s underwear, pulling them down until she has gotten them completely off and thrown in the pile of their other clothing.

Jamie examines the view in front of her; Dani glistening, hot, wet, and ready. She traces up Dani’s folds with a delicate finger, brushing ever so slightly at the sensitive, swollen center.

“ _Jamie,”_ Dani gasps as she arches in a search for more contact, but Jamie has already pulled back.

“So ready for me already, Dani,” Jamie remarks, low and teasing. In a smirk she pecks Dani’s lips, kissing at either cheekbone as her hand circles around Dani’s thigh, ghosting over the area she needs it most to reach the other leg. Her thumb brushes back and forth at Dani’s pelvis, taunting and gentle. As expected, through Dani’s thirst she groans in aggravation which gives Jamie enough will to begin.

Jamie leaves open-mouthed kisses along Dani’s pulse as she begins swirling two fingers on Dani’s strained center, enough of a release to garner a low moan and bowed back head from the blonde. 

She keeps this leisurely and light pace, knowing it is driving Dani crazy as she is gripping the blanket underneath them with white knuckles.

“Jamie,” Dani shivers as she wraps one arm around Jamie’s back, digging her nails around her spine. “God, J… more… I need…” Jamie picks up the pace. “ _Christ_.”

“Yeah?” Jamie sighs, lowering herself now so she can take one of Dani’s breasts in her mouth, circling her nipple with her tongue. A cry in the purest pleasure dripping from Dani’s mouth follows. 

She can feel Dani’s hips bucking underneath her hand, desperate for more pressure. In response, Jamie trails the two fingers down, eddying around her opening until she slides both in, thrusting gently and curling her fingers where she expects Dani will enjoy. 

Abiding with Jamie’s prediction, Dani snaps her head back, a loud moan bellowing out in the night as she steadily gyrates in rhythm with Jamie’s thrusting.  
  
“Fuck,” she curses, both hands coming to tangle in brown, wavy hair, pulling at it enough that it stings Jamie’s scalp, making her wince lightly into Dani’s mouth as she kisses her, but it is still gratifying in every sense. 

Jamie speeds up, curling fingers in a come-hither motion, the palm of her hand brushing Dani’s clit every time she buries herself within her. Dani continues to moan in response, groaning and whining as she holds onto Jamie for dear life. 

“God, Jamie,” she nearly sobs. “I’m going to…”

Jamie pairs a swirling thumb on her swollen, begging center with her pumping fingers that curl and curl with acute concentration inside of Dani. Coinciding, she places haphazard kisses everywhere she can reach on Dani.

“Come for me, Dani,” Jamie whispers into her ear. 

“Jesus Christ,” Dani hisses as Jamie feels her clench around her. 

And with an obscene cry that bounces off the silence of the desolate grasslands surrounding them — unashamed, loud, and unadulterated as she arches her back, clawing Jamie’s back with a strength that Jamie is certain will leave deep, red marks — Dani comes undone below her. 

Inches from her face, Jamie watches Dani unravel. A view bound by eyes that are squeezed shut, mouth gaping in what could be described as a pained expression. Her scream now strangled as it is stuck in her throat as she rides out her orgasm. 

And the abundant heat and desperation between Jamie’s legs are almost tamed and tended to just by watching the ravishing process of Dani coming around her. A gift Jamie has never known she needed until now. If she could remain in this intoxicating scene forever — Dani candid and unfurled for her, blossoming with a plethora of love, adoration, and euphoria as she gazes back up at Jamie for a moment, eyes glossed over and hooded — Jamie is certain she’d be the happiest woman in the world. 

Jamie continues with her movements, slowing them as Dani relaxes. When Dani is wracked by an intense shiver due to the over-intensity of Jamie’s touch, she releases.  
  
She places a purposeful kiss on Dani’s lips, in a way breathing life back into her because she is close to believing she has broken Dani because of her intense, ragged breathing and a hand that is clenched at her own scalp in disbelief and exhaustion. 

“Holy hell,” Dani breathes as she lets her hands fall to her sides for a moment. “That was…” the words are caught in her throat so she swallows, placing a steadying hand to her own chest. “That was amazing, Jamie. I have never… _Jesus Christ.”_

She lays beside Dani on her side, propped with an elbow. Jamie smirks at Dani’s loss of words, feeling smug and proud of herself. Totally unabashed by the feeling too. 

“How do you do that?” Dani asks, innocent and breathless. 

Jamie kisses her cheek and gives a humble shrug. She shivers slightly as she finally feels the slight chill of the night, so she reaches for her polo shirt and pulls it back on, slipping the carton of cigarettes out of the pocket that somehow stayed in place after all of the tugging and throwing of the article of clothing. 

She lights one, taking the first drag before lowering it to Dani’s lips, letting it slip in where Dani takes a long drag, one that attempts to stabilize her breathing even though its intentions are to do the exact opposite. 

Dani exhales into the darkness and turns to Jamie. She grabs at Jamie's face with one hand, holding Jamie’s chin in her fingers as she places a tender kiss on her lips. Jamie smiles into it, giggling when Dani nuzzles her nose on her cheekbone before pecking her once more. 

“Do you want…?” Dani asks, her fingers trailing down Jamie’s front, squeezing at her denim adorned thigh. Sure, it’s tempting, but there was something so gratifying about giving pleasure to Dani, that she hardly wants anything in return. She hopes, just maybe they will have another chance to make love before they part ways, but she is certain that the very memory of Dani coming undone beneath her would be enough satisfaction to suffice. 

Jamie simply shakes her head as she takes another inhale of smoke. “Enough just watchin’ you.” 

Dani blushes as she sits up, also feeling the subtle chill of the night, so she pulls on her underwear and the long-sleeve button-up she was sporting in a knot earlier. Now, she wears it untied, so it falls to her thigh. 

She sighs blithely and lays her head on Jamie’s chest, who is on her back, contentedly smoking and staring up at the infinite wonders of the sky. Dani slides her hand under Jamie’s shirt and rests it just at the protrusion of her ribs, dancing her fingers delicately over Jamie’s warm skin. 

Jamie’s hand comes to rub Dani’s back and her cheek rests against her head. 

“We’ve only got a day until Colorado,” Dani says. 

The very thought takes the positive, intimate mood they have built and smashes it with a sledgehammer until it is nothing more than a bloody pulp. The last thing Jamie wants to think about is the fact that by tomorrow night they will likely be in Colorado. If she is lucky, they will prolong it enough and have another two mornings together; however, if she is being realistic she knows it won’t work out that way. Give or take twenty-four hours and Dani will be gone. 

Jamie tries to hide the anguish the information brings her. “Been a good ride, yeah?” 

Dani nods against her, remaining quiet. 

The air is sadder now; both are devastated but neither will admit it. It deeply contrasts the immense joy and love that bloomed between them just prior. Moments of the utmost tenderness were shared, but it feels like the sheer act of lovemaking built a concrete wall around them, cementing their devotion and admiration for one another. Jamie even reasons a piece of her heart belongs to Dani as funny as that sounds. They have shared days, and Jamie can’t deny how attached she feels to Dani now. 

And Jamie reasons that it is okay. There is comfort in being unafraid and collected in the feelings she has for Dani. She rationalizes that life is spontaneous and uncertain in every sense, unpredictable and hardly paradigmatic. So, loving Dani, adoring her, and tending to her for a short amount of time, is worth every bit of her effort. Regardless of the mere days they have spent together, Jamie is certain she is better off devoting herself to Dani for these few days rather than never loving her at all. Jamie is thankful, feels lucky even, that Dani is here with her, open to be cherished and loved. Even holding the power to allow Jamie to be loved, an idea Jamie refused for years, holding a strict denial that she could ever be vulnerable enough.

But, as she has learned, Dani is delightfully surprising, different from any other person she has ever known or expected to come across. She is an ethereal and celestial being that seems to be too seraphic to be real. But, against all odds, Dani lays here against Jamie — radiating her warmth, holding her close to her, and placing a gentle kiss where her heart lies under her skin. A feeling of comfort that Jamie already grieves the loss of. 

And in stark silence, they stare up at the stars. Jamie places a kiss on Dani’s head and curses fate. Closing her eyes, she prays through her greed that maybe, just maybe, she will be granted more time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... so yeah... there is that. I'll be honest, I never write smut (this is probably the second time I ever have haha) so I apologize if this is literally so subpar. Eh, gotta challenge ourselves sometimes though, right? lol.
> 
> Anyway, this was fun to write especially because of the stress that is looming now that my winter break is ending and I have to return to college soon *cries*. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you all like it! 
> 
> (Chapter title comes from the song Anticipation by Carly Simon. Great song btw... We love Carly Simon in this household)


	5. you're a rare, rare find

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Dani dissolve in the sorrow of their impending separation. Through their grown connection, they realize what each other needs and how to cope with the time remaining.
> 
> NSFW ahead.

Dani opens her eyes slowly with a few focusing blinks as she hears Jamie cursing behind her and tinkering. The choir of morning cicadas pools into Dani’s ears as she slowly urges herself awake. She stares up at the deep blue sky, bright with wispy clouds scattered about like a baldachin around her, cradling her here in a brief moment of peace. 

“Piece of shite,” Jamie mutters again, tearing Dani from her tranced state and turning her head toward the direction of Jamie’s voice and movement. She sits up and extends her arms as she arches into a stretch, deciding she will investigate. 

She jumps off the bed of the truck, circling around to its hood where she sees Jamie there, deeply concentrated within the routes of machinery under her, elbows deep as she tinkers and repairs. Dani scans down her body, blue jeans now marked with grease streaks, and an old t-shirt acting as a rag over her shoulder. The view makes Dani smirk behind a bit lip, unaware of how to handle standing there watching this woman repair with such skill and attention. 

Dani stands behind Jamie, blissfully unaware of her presence, and snakes her arms around her middle. The sudden touch has Jamie startling slightly, but she quickly relaxes, seeming to putty in Dani’s grasp as the blonde trails sweet kisses down the path of her neck. Jamie sighs out as she cranes to allow more area for Dani to cover. 

“Good morning,” Dani whispers into her ear, slightly swaying side to side with Jamie in tow. Jamie huffs a soft laugh as she nuzzles her back into Dani’s, nestling her head for a moment near Dani’s collar. 

“Mornin’’ she sighs, a smile evident in her tone even though Dani can’t see it. 

“Any luck?” Dani asks. 

“It’s promising. Needs a bit more work,” Jamie says; however, Dani is hardly listening when she sees the column of Jamie’s neck again, so suddenly craving it once more. Her lips find purchase there another time, eliciting a chuckle from Jamie. “Certainly won’t get anything done with you doin’ that.”

“Good,” Dani challenges, lips still peppering against addicting, creamy skin. 

Instead of giving in, Jamie wiggles from Dani’s grasp. “Alright, alright.” 

Dani frowns and pouts out an unsatisfied sound, making Jamie give her a delighted smirk and wink before ducking back down to continue working. It provides Dani the chance to blush without being caught. 

Dani looks down at herself, realizing she is in broad daylight in nothing more than a button-up shirt and underwear, so she opens the truck door to rummage through her belongings to find herself new clothing for the day.

As she zips up her jeans, she hears a cheer from Jamie. “A-ha, that’s it!” Jamie exclaims. “Dani, will you come over here for a moment?” 

Dani obliges and stands by her side. Jamie straightens and reveals hands that are covered in a blanket of dark grease and dust. She gestures her head at her back pocket. 

“Uh… you mind grabbin’ the keys and seeing if you can get this fucker started?” Jamie asks. 

Dani complies and reaches her hand into Jamie’s back pocket, grabbing the ring of keys but not without squeezing first which garners a jump out of Jamie and a shrieking laugh.

Keys in hand, Dani offers an impish grin as she climbs into the driver seat, admiring Jamie's shaking head at her newly established mischievous nature. 

“You’re a cheeky thing, you know that?” 

Dani gives her a smug shrug as she turns the keys in the ignition. The first couple tries have the engine sputtering, but by the third time, it rumbles to life. A beautiful song to both of their ears as Jamie had been working tirelessly on the truck to fix it. 

Jamie jumps excitedly and claps her hands together with a loud crash. “Told you I could do it, Dani!” Jamie says as she walks over to Dani, wiping her hands clean on the cloth from her shoulder. 

Dani grins at her adoringly, emerging from the truck. 

“Never doubted you for a second,” she smiles. 

Jamie leans with a back against the truck, hands still wringing in the cloth to wipe away the muck. She simpers at Dani, eyebrow raised as she scans her body. 

“Sleep okay?” Jamie asks. 

Dani nods and steps towards her. “Very well,” she says then leaves a kiss on her lips once she closes the distance between them. 

Jamie can only hum a response as she deepens their kiss. 

Dani places her hands on Jamie’s hips, gripping for composure as she explores the succulence of Jamie. She giggles softly into her lips to which Jamie mirrors.  
  
With a final three quick kisses, Jamie pulls back, resting her head against the window of the truck. Her eyes linger on Dani’s lips for a moment before they rise to her eyes. 

“Think we better get goin’,” Jamie says. “Find some breakfast.” 

Dani purses her lips disappointedly and bumps her forehead against Jamie’s. She nods against it. “Yeah, sure.” 

Jamie lifts to press a kiss to her forehead, patting her waist before peeling away completely to tend to the belongings that are still littered about the bed of the truck. 

Dani, with knees against her chest, stares out the passenger window, shoulder pressed against it as she smudges at it with a forefinger; the same position she has held for the last couple hours of driving. 

A silence canopies them, tranquil and withering. Dani is much too chagrined to talk, can’t find a single thing roaming her mind that could provide enough substance for conversation between them. And the quickly passing, dull scenery hardly takes up any of Dani’s attention because her mind is drifting elsewhere. Entirely enveloped by the awful notion that there are a mere seven hours between them and Colorado. 

By the late evening, they will be in Boulder. Jamie pulling her up to Rebecca’s home, kissing her goodbye. Empty promises of sent letters, even the possible calls, will be shared. Dani reasons she will cry, can almost taste and feel the sting of the tears she knows she will shed in the night. The ones that will turn into weeping as she tries to fall asleep, alone and afraid of what is to come. Afraid of facing Eddie on her own, afraid of facing the confining reality of returning to a life she no longer wants. 

She peers, strained through her peripheral, at Jamie. Examining her in her tension and trenchant glare towards the road. Dani knows something is happening in her mind; thoughts are clamoring and grappling. She recognizes it through her furrowed brow, bouncing left knee, and her elbow that is rested against the window, her loose fist a perch for her temple to lean on. 

Beyond that; however, Dani finds her expression hard to decipher. It is somehow placid and restless simultaneously, leaving Dani unable to decide whether or not Jamie is as dismal and apprehensive as she is.

One thing she is certain about Jamie is how convoluted she is. A smile could be caustic, a frown could be thoughtful joy, a tear could be gratitude. So, when Dani watches those eyebrows incrementally knit, creating sculpted lines on the bridge of her nose and forehead, she strains in her gathering of Jamie’s intention. Comes up with the inkling, through intense scrutiny, that Jamie very well could be as despondent as she is. 

And with the notion that both of them are sorrowed, restless in their impending separation, Dani reasons she cannot stand seven hours being all that is left between them. She couldn’t care less if that makes her selfish, greedy as she reaches outside the bounds of the strict timeline of their travels. Dani will do anything in her power to make this the slowest time of their lives, ensuring that seconds travel like molasses, ensure that this day turns to an evening shared and a morning flush together one last time. One more morning and Dani rationalizes she will be content. Can live with leaving Jamie if she can just indulge in one more day. 

So, Dani does just about everything to prolong their time together. 

She begins when they stop for breakfast in a café in a small Kansas town where Dani continues ordering them coffee, pot after pot. She comes up with random topics for discussion, banal and juvenile in their nature. But they will do because Dani will spew just about anything to keep them together and give her the chance to let all of Jamie seep into her. Dani sits before her and asks her anything she can think of. Her favorite film, favorite novel, favorite music, how she was as a child, her favorite places. Things that are hardly substantial, but they help ease the time along successfully. 

Jamie leans back after the tangent of questions and responses, appearing exhausted with spouting so much about herself. She appears uninterested and worn now from all of the talking, and it leaves Dani feeling disappointed. Especially after it was a tiresome task in itself to get Jamie to engage at all given there is this new distance to her this morning, quiet and reserved in a way that Dani is unfamiliar with. 

“What is it with all this talkin’, then?” Jamie asks as she crosses her arms, a tiny glisten of delight apparent in her eyes. 

Dani shrugs, deciding to be even just the slightest bit honest. “Trying to learn about you… with what we have left.”

“Bit last minute isn’t it?” she teases, a bit harsh but with enough spirit to prevent Dani from taking offense. 

“I’ll take what I can get.” 

“Well, we can _get_ back on the road… it’s nearly noon,” she says as she begins sliding across the booth, but she stills when Dani places an anchoring hand over hers. 

“Oh, come on. A little more coffee, yeah?” Dani practically begs, gesturing her eyes at the pot that is still half-full. 

Jamie huffs. _“Dani.”_ She looks between Dani and the door. “Love, with the amount of coffee you’ve forced me to drink already I’m gonna be jumpin’ from my skin.”

Dani only responds with an expression she knows will be successful in getting her way. A solemn frown paired with her big, blue eyes, a winner beyond all others. It has Jamie immediately sitting back and clicking her tongue to her teeth in defeat. 

“Fine,” she sighs. “What else you got to ask me, then?”

By three in the afternoon, they are driving through Kansas again, and the entire time Dani frantically looks out the window to find a place for them to stop. Desperate in her search until she catches a small, gravel lot that fronts a quaint pond. She tugs at Jamie and begs her to stop, which the brunette hesitantly obliges to once Dani convinces her they are in need of a break. 

They settle in the grass under the vibrant glow of the summer sun above them, glistening on the steady water of the pond beside them. Dani wades a gentle hand through the water, watching it ripple, curiously tilting her chin against her knees that are pressed against her chest, held close to her by her other arm. 

The piercing luminance of the day leaves Dani in a one-eyed squint as she looks across at Jamie, a view that is stunning in its simplicity. She is sprawled on her back, eyes closed and hands under her head as she soaks in the shimmering, golden rays. Her forgotten paperback is fanned against her chest that rises and falls with unflappable ease. 

Dani reaches forward to grab Jamie’s Converse-clad foot and shakes it gently. In response, Jamie only hums in question, eyes still remain shut and position residual. 

Dani huffs a slight chuckle as she looks at her watch, realizing they have spent quite a bit of time there already. “You ready?”

Jamie simply shakes her head. 

“You look bored.” 

“I like bored,” Jamie mutters. 

Dani leans into her knees to crawl over to Jamie, she lowers to lay on her belly beside her and props her head up on elbows, looking down at Jamie. 

“Jamie,” she whispers. 

“Dani,” Jamie responds as she looks over at her. 

“We passed that bar on the way over here, right?” 

Jamie nods. 

“Wanna get a drink? Could be even more boring.” 

Jamie grabs Dani’s watch-adorned wrist to read it. She scoffs. “Dani we don’t have the time for that.” 

“Says who?”

Jamie knits her eyebrows as she analyzes her. “I know what you’re doin’.” 

“I don’t know what you’re…” 

“Keepin’ us in that café for two hours, makin’ me pull off here. I know what this is, Dani. You’re doin’ it for more time.” 

Dani is taken aback, exposed, and caught. So much so that she fumbles for a response through her growing timidness. 

“You want another night,” Jamie sighs as she pushes pieces of Dani’s hair that have fallen to cover her eye. “Coulda just said that you know?” 

Nibbling at her lip pensively, she exhales through her nose and looks away. “Just one more,” she says. “We planned four, so we should make it four. Four nights.” 

“I don’t know, Dani.” 

Dani looks back at her quickly, entirely nonplussed by her hesitance. “You don’t want to?” 

“I mean… not really. I’ll get a drink, but I don’t think another night is-” 

“But… Jamie,” Dani interrupts, growing panicked now. “Jamie it’s getting late, yeah? By the time we get there, it will be nearly midnight. That is _so_ late,” she says, scoffing to get her point across. “It’s just one night Jamie. Get to Boulder in the morning, afternoon even.”

Jamie is sitting up now, facing away from Dani through her tangent. 

“Even if it’s just more time, Jamie. A little more-” 

“Dani, don’t,” Jamie says lowly, shaking her head as she scratches her temple. 

Dani puts a hand on her shoulder which doesn’t feel warm like every other time Dani has touched there; it feels cold and rigid. 

“Jamie… you’ve been acting… off all day.” 

“Haven’t,” she retorts in a snicker. 

“You have,” she challenges, but Jamie has nothing to return except a hissed _pfft_. Leaving Dani with the only option of letting go of Jamie and standing in her stubbornness and dismissal. “Fine. Let’s go.”

Jamie looks up at her with a nearly blank expression that is only barely downcast. Not enough, though, to make Dani want to delve into it to understand Jamie’s sudden neutrality and austerity. 

Dani puts her hand out to help Jamie up. “Up,” she says, come-hithering her fingers to urge Jamie to take them. “Gotta get going now then if we want to get to Boulder by tonight.” 

Jamie exhales a conflicted breath. “Dani, it’s not that I don’t want-” 

Dani feels a nipping aggravation begin to grow within her, so she persists with her compelled departure. “Jamie, come on.”

Instead, Jamie stands on her own without Dani’s assistance. Dani takes it in the offense, assuming it was in spurn, and turns to walk away. Jamie gets a hold of her arm to still her. 

“Hey, hey.” Dani spins to look at her, recognizing the regret now pooling in Jamie. “You’re right. We could use more time… ” Jamie gives her the best reassuring smile she can muster; however, her sudden perk has to be one of the most artificial portrayals Dani has seen. “I could fancy a beer about now… anyway.” 

Dani still isn’t entirely convinced that Jamie wants the same, but she agrees anyway because she would rather not argue with her when they have hours of nothing but each other’s company and the road ahead of them. So, she gives Jamie a small nod and walks ahead of her.

“A drink and then we go. Don’t want to keep you too long,” she snides, garnering a slightly vexed exhale from Jamie behind her. A sound that satisfies the growing morose and aggravation in Dani. 

They sit next to one another in the dark and dreary bar, barely touched beers in front of them and a tension between them that is unavoidable, unfamiliar, and hard to define. 

Dani’s finger traces lazily around the rim of her glass. “So, Jamie,” she exhales. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong, or no?” 

Jamie looks at her, bowing her chin slightly, so she has to strain her eyes up to meet Dani’s. 

“Told you I’m tired.” 

“And tired makes you indifferent, huh? Because the last couple of days you have said you were tired, on numerous occasions I might add, but I don’t know… _this_ …” Dani twirls a forefinger in gesture to Jamie and her emotional state, “isn’t the same. So, you want to be honest now?” 

“Interrogating me now, are we?” Jamie asks, slightly leaning back unimpressed. 

Dani shrugs. “Wouldn’t have to if you were honest.” 

Jamie looks at her like she is improbable and beyond their boundary, and Dani is aware that she is. Aware that she is toying with Jamie in a way that is wrong and provoking, but she is desperate to turn things around. She can’t bear the notion of leaving Jamie on bad terms. Surely, she thinks now, with seeing Jamie’s eyes on her in their unpleased nature, that she could have thought of a better approach than this.

“Fine,” Jamie says, swallowing down a gulp of her beer. “Bit blue… I suppose.” 

“There it is.” 

“Don’t act so proud. You aren’t making any of this easier.” 

“Oh is that true?” Dani asks, a starkly daring glint in her eyes as she leans forward. “What about me is making this so hard?” 

“Is not jus’ you, Dani,” Jamie says, leaning in with a manner that parodies Dani’s forwardness. “It’s everyone.”

“Everyone?” 

“Everyone.”

Dani pauses, tongue in cheek as she tries to study Jamie for any inkling of what she could possibly mean. Enough confusion is riddled in her that Jamie takes it as her cue to continue. 

“People are tiring,” she sighs. “In fact, everyone is exhaustive Dani,” Jamie declares. “And what comes from it?” She swats a backhand at the air to represent these said _exhaustive people._ “They run off. Pour all of yourself into them, and they don’t stick around.” 

Of course, her name hasn’t left her lips, but she knows who she is referring to. In turn, causing Dani to turn affront, finding it despicable that Jamie is assuming she wants to leave what they have voluntarily. 

“You think these people have a choice?” Dani asks, an apparent hiss in her tone. 

Jame gives a nonchalant and patronizing shrug. “Suppose not all of ‘em. Doesn’t make it any less tirin’.” 

“I don’t find you exhaustive,” Dani challenges. “You think I am, obviously-”

“I didn’t say that.” 

“Yes you did, Jamie,” she sneers. “You implied it at least. I’m pretty sure I’d be included in _everyone_.” 

“Fine.” Jamie huffs with a jut to her jaw, “but you never let me _finish_ … what I was tryin’ to say is… ” 

Dani sighs and looks at her expectantly, unsure of how Jamie could possibly turn this conversation around into something positive rather than derail them into an argument. Which is where Dani is entirely expecting them to go. 

“Exhaustive isn’t always bad, Dani,” she says, but Dani is far from assured. “You ever, as a kid, go to a carnival?” 

“Mhm,” Dani confirms, face neutral. 

“You spent hours there right? Happy and all for hours until you wind up back home so exhausted you can’t help but knock out for the rest of the night. You still had fun, you were still happy, but you wind up tired at the end of it... and, quite frankly, sad that it’s over too.” Jamie pauses as she contemplates how much further she can manage to take this without shattering everything they have between them, evidently hopeful that she can salvage this. “You see-uh people are like that,” Jamie says. “You’re like that, Dani.” 

Dani’s tense states softens; however, she remains a bit disturbed by the conversation given how forthright it is. She finds it difficult to handle this kind of honest scrutiny of her character. It is foreign and hardly welcome because Dani is so used to people dancing around things, sugar-coating and placating. Never has Dani been in a position where someone is so upfront with her, but she reminds herself that she asked for this, and Jamie is not someone who lies or appeases for the sake of nurturing someone’s pride. 

“And at the end of the day, all that fun, all that joy… is worth the exhaustion. Because you got to be there,” Jamie says, looking down timidly as her own sincerity is beginning to surprise her too. “So... kind of like me, pourin’ all of myself into these last few days… really pourin’ more than I have in all the years of my life… has been worth it, and I’ll hold it… dear, but it doesn’t make this any easier for me, Dani.” 

Dani feels that declaration of Jamie’s inner difficulty claws at her heart, and now she feels terrible. Truly awful that Jamie is so upset about all of this. She dives her head to try and find Jamie’s eyes that are apprehensive to rise in her direction. 

“Jamie,” she quavers, her palm meeting Jamie’s knee. 

“So, yeah… I’m tired and that’s why,” Jamie finishes towards the floor. 

“Because it’s over?” 

“Yeah,” Jamie sighs. 

“But it isn’t over,” Dani chuckles as she brushes her thumb over Jamie’s kneecap reassuringly. “We have the rest of our beers, maybe another one too. That’s at least a half-hour.” 

Jamie snickers breathily, eyes still glued to the ground. 

“Then we have the whole ride to Boulder. Hours and hours. Or…” Dani bites her lip and runs her boot gently up and down the route of Jamie’s calf, teasing and attempting to garner a reaction from her. “There’s a motel, just up the road. We could have an entire night. That’s a lot of time. So, if you think it’s worth it-” 

Finally, Jamie looks up at her with a slight, crooked smile and a glint to her face that is optimistic and covetous. She intervenes with a quick, “Yeah I reckon it’s worth it.” 

And with a smile, Dani feels herself begin to lean forward to kiss her, forgetting for a moment they are in a bar surrounded by people, so she immediately jerks back, leaving both of them dissatisfied as evident by their twin pursed expressions. Their eyes, however, speak in abundance. Hungry and needy, impatience swarming their dilated pupils and gleaming irises. 

Jamie finishes off what is left of her beer and puts her glass back down. “Let’s get out of here,” she says, voice graveled. 

They emerge from the bar, the pinks and oranges of the growing sunset blanketing them in its glow. 

They hurry to the truck, but they certainly don’t make it inside before Dani is pinning Jamie against it. Dani can’t wait any longer in fear she may implode without immediate contact, so she looks around them cautiously to ensure it is barren. Regardless of the consequences of being so exposed, she leans in to kiss Jamie frantically; it’s heady and dangerous but it adds to the spark blooming between them. 

Jamie about melts within it, closing her eyes and moaning lightly. Dani stabilizes her with hands at her hips before going one more round with her lips before pulling back. Jamie leans forward in hope for more but comes back to the reality of where they are, and she understands the risk of going any longer. 

“I need you, Jamie,” Dani mutters as she looks into her eyes, hoping Jamie needs to, and it is confirmed with a staunch nod. She fumbles for her keys and turns to unlock the car door. 

Dani lacks the patience needed to circle the car, so she jumps in the driver's side and slides down the section of the seat, knee bobbing as she eagerly waits for Jamie to get them to the motel up the road. 

The entire ride, Dani sans a seatbelt, sits flush against Jamie in the middle of the section. She grips Jamie’s thigh, rising up and dipping between to tease her as she strains to bury her face in Jamie’s neck, kissing up the hollow of its crook. 

Jamie groans lowly, breath hitching when Dani gently bites. “Dani,” she wavers. “You want us to get there in one piece?”

Dani can only giggle in response, but she obeys Jamie’s implication and pulls back, only making Jamie look disgruntled. It is pleasing seeing her so riddled with internal discord. Simultaneously wanting Dani to continue touching her and knowing she must contain herself for the rest of the drive. 

The pair remain composed as best they can in front of the receptionist. Jamie takes the lead and hastily asks for a room, their jittery states and empty-handedness — due to them being much too frantic for privacy to have any regard towards their belongings — are enough to cause at least a bit of suspicion, but they still remember to uphold enough province to request two beds. Enough of a save to protect them for the time being. 

Jamie pulls them back outside, nearly running with Dani along the path of motel room doors, briefly reading each numbered room until she stops at theirs, abruptly enough that Dani rams into her. She watches shaking fingers turn the key, and Dani is so desperate she almost pushes forward to do it herself, but Jamie gets the door opened before she reaches out to take over. Jamie lunges in, Dani in tow, and she slams the door behind them. 

It’s a split second between them entering and Jamie pushing Dani against the door forcefully, pinning her there with a stringent knee between her legs and hands that grip at her waist. 

Soft, slick lips meet hers, parting fervently. Jamie’s sudden passion and audacity surprise Dani, but soon the women fall into a beautiful and graceful rhythm. Dani twines her fingers in Jamie’s hair to pull her closer, hardly able to because they are already pressed together, but she is so keen in her need for Jamie that she pushes further into her, intertwining her tongue with Jamie’s until there is an opulent waltz performing within the vaults of their mouths. 

As Jamie works at pulling Dani’s shirt over her head, Dani can feel a heat blossoming, one that is lustful and persistent within the pit of her belly. It caroms within her, begging and growing to the point she can already feel herself throbbing and growing rigid. 

In tandem, Jamie’s knee presses into her begging center and lips suck at her neck. In response, Dani dizzies herself by snapping her head back with a bang against the door in response to the overwhelming sensation it provides. 

There is something new this time around. The night before, everything was clear and blaring to Dani’s senses. She was hyper-aware of everything because of her intense nerves and unfamiliarity. As if, the night before, she had this strict necessity for groundedness and understanding in order to cope with having sex with Jamie for the first time; or, having sex with a woman for the first time at all. 

But, now, Dani relishes in the fluidity and haze of the moment. She hardly perceives anything around her. She cannot hear what’s around them, wishes not to see anything, and she holds not one care in the world because there is only room for one thing in her mind.

Jamie. 

Jamie kissing her. Jamie pleasing her. Jamie loving her. Just Jamie. And because her mind is now only centered on one thing, a new feeling of bravery and benevolence instills in her. Right now, she wants nothing more than to give Jamie what she had given her. To please her and give her satisfaction in its purest intimacy. 

Dani musters enough strength to push herself off the door. She walks them towards the nearest bed whilst fiddling with the hem of Jamie’s shirt. She sloppily pulls it off of Jamie’s body and throws it blindly away from them. With a gentle push, she has Jamie toppling back onto the bed, legs dangling over the edge and landing on her elbows that prop her up enough to keep her gaze on Dani. 

Dani leans over her, kissing her once more before leaving a sequence of steamy kisses beginning at Jamie’s chin, down her neck, across her flushing chest, and down the path of her taut stomach, feeling the spike of goosebumps under her lips’ wake. 

She stops at Jamie’s jeans where she places a hand at either thigh, steadying her knees at the floor where she goes about unlacing Jamie’s shoes. She does so with a speed that even she finds astounding until she can pull them off and toss them aside. She rides her hands back up the length of Jamie’s legs and closes in on the button and zipper of her jeans. As she tends to pulling them off, Dani sprinkles open-mouthed kisses over Jamie's dewing skin until she reaches her lips again briefly. 

Once Dani gets herself out of her boots, she crawls onto the bed, tapping Jamie’s side from under her to urge her to move up. Once they’re settled perfectly in the center, Dani rests on her knees between Jamie’s spread thighs, and she looks at Jamie below her, illuminated and accentuated by the smolder of the scattering sunset peeking through the drapes. She is stunning, toned, and glistening as beads of sweat swell on her skin. 

Dani feels her mouth drought at the view before her, and, as if Jamie is a body of water, Dani dives in for a taste to quench her thirst. She takes her time to leave lingering kisses beginning at her navel, humming into her skin as she reaches her pelvis, kissing each peak until her lips are in the highest region of her inner thigh. The few kisses and bites she leaves there have Jamie moaning and tangling restless fingers into blonde hair. 

“Dani,” she whimpers as she tugs gently, merely an urge to bring Dani back to her lips. They meet there, but Dani parts from it to regain her breathing pattern and to look down at Jamie again. Her thumb brushes at Jamie’s bottom lip as she admires her. Although she does so for just a handful of seconds, it must feel like an eternity to Jamie because she appears utterly disgruntled under her, breathing feverishly as she attempts to join her thighs together for much-needed friction, but Dani is there to prevent the relief. 

Dani runs a languid set of fingers down Jamie’s heaving sternum and dipping stomach to slip into her underwear where she meets the heat and soaked state of Jamie, the brushing of her hand over an already straining clit has Jamie overcome by a deep shiver. 

She swallows. “You fe-you feel what you’ve done to me?” Jamie breathes, shuddering as Dani continues to use a feather-light touch where she is craving pressure and speed. “Do you remember?” Jamie mutters, hitching to silence that she gulps down. “What I did?” 

Dani nods and reaches into the depths of her mind, closing her eyes as she vividly recalls the movements Jamie made on her the night before, and she would be damned if she would ever forget them either. She starkly remembers how each one felt, and she can almost taste and feel the memories herself. 

She attentively circles her fingers over Jamie’s augmented and desperate center, garnering a piercing whimper that Dani silences with her mouth over Jamie’s as she is still uncertain of who is around and who can hear, so she treads carefully. 

Her other hand reaches down to pull Jamie’s underwear down to allow a better angle. 

“Fuck,” Jamie curses as she bows her head back, slightly arching into Dani’s touch. 

“Is this alright?” Dani questions. 

“Yes. God, yes,” Jamie hisses as she looks down at Dani’s hand to watch. She slides her own guiding hand down and grabs Dani’s wrist as she pushes her fingers down to her opening. “Can you?” she asks, almost timid in her desire. Dani nods, so she impels Dani’s fingers into her. She groans at the stretch and Dani mirrors the sound as she feels the way Jamie clenches around her. A string of curses follow Dani’s thrusting and curling, and now Dani feels a caravan of confidence ride through her as she gathers the rhythm and capability needed to satisfy Jamie. Her other set of fingers work in unison, fingertips circling in an ebbing and flowing cadence on her tender, swollen bud. 

“That’s it, Dani. Right there… don’t sto-stop… _Fuck, fuck.”_

Soon, Jamie’s hips are rocking into Dani’s fingers, head curving backward, hands clinching the pillows behind her. She draws shallowed, high-pitched breaths, and Dani begins to feel her tensing. 

“ _Dani_ ,” she moans, her name dripping off her tongue as it plumes into her ears, sinking into Dani’s being. It shoots her with the most pleasurable feeling she has ever experienced. Her name — slick and hoarse — suddenly the only sound she ever wants to hear slip from Jamie’s mouth. It’s like a prayer, a worshipping hymn, and Dani answers to it eagerly as she continues fucking her, enduring the painful ache of her muscles. 

Jamie gives her no warning, doesn’t inform her that she has crept toes over the cliff, and now she is watching Jamie vault, falling and falling as she arches up, unraveling and trembling with a cracked cry that Dani lunges forward to swallow, encompassing the sound of Jamie’s pleasure into her being, and through its striking intensity she swears she can feel it too. Feels it engulf and tingle her senses as she melts in the luxury of Jamie’s gratification. 

Dani peels back once quivering fingers are gripping her wrists, and she lays next to Jamie, a grounding hand settling on her chest as she kisses up the curve of her shoulder until she is nestling into Jamie. 

However, Jamie only takes a few moments to catch her breath before turning over to bind Dani to the bed with the weight of her body. It’s sudden and heady, the mere swiftness of the move leaving Dani writhing under Jamie as she hotly streams kisses down her body, doing away with her bra so she can take one of Dani’s breasts between her lips, swirling a tongue around the sensitive peak of her nipple which has Dani gasping and attempting to grab at Jamie, but she suddenly realizes there are hands pinning her wrists to the bed, and the restraint of it about sends Dani over right then and there. Even more so when she feels teeth graze against the skin of her torso, biting and sucking in a bruising manner; she is sure Jamie is marking her, and she enjoys every bit of it.

Sure, the gentle nature of the previous night was arousing beyond belief, but this new nimbleness and zealous dominance from Jamie is far more titillating. It’s dizzying and addicting in its vehemence.

Feverishly, Jamie tears denim from Dani’s legs and settles herself between Dani’s legs, and Dani barely has an inkling of what is to come. The anxious fascination within Dani sends her heart rapidly beating in her chest. She whimpers as Jamie spreads her legs apart until she knows she is open completely, presenting herself in a way that makes Jamie’s face glow as if she’s just landed a million-dollar prize.

Tender kisses line Dani’s inner thigh, then hot breath is puffing against her straining core. She watches Jamie in breathless wonder and nervous anticipation as she leaves two more teasing kisses on her pubic bone. And nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared her for the sensation of Jamie’s tongue riding up from her opening to her clit; it sends Dani arching and crying out. She bites at her knuckles to stifle the filthy noises that are trying so desperately to escape. 

And these noises become more and more persistent as Jamie’s tongue works overtime — dipping in, lapping, swirling, sucking in a sequence that is sending Dani’s vision into flushed static, thoughts becoming nothing but indecipherable putty. She’s bucking and thrashing into Jamie as the sensitivity and overwhelming sensation of Jamie’s mouth against her is inebriating and incapacitating in its glorious, flaming pleasure. 

Dani uses her other hand to grip Jamie’s head, pulling at her hair and involuntarily guiding her to where she enjoys it most, leading to the intense razor-sharp tide beginning to flow up-shore. Dani feels as if she is suspending in her weightlessness to the heavens, floating there at the precipice. 

And she doesn’t last long there. How could she with how intoxicating and profuse Jamie’s love is? Suddenly, she begins to boil over. A fire, an intense feeling of the most joyous pain she’s ever experienced, barrels through her, pulling her tighter and tighter as she arches, feeling like she is about to snap. She cries out as she comes undone, repeating Jamie’s name over and over with obscenities intertwined. 

And it continues festinating within her, eliciting further whimpering and gasping, more cries that fill the air until it’s dissipating into a region she can’t control, nor did she expect. Without warning, her pleasure plummets into weeping, sobs that utterly wrack her body until she is gasping and convulsing. She places a hand over her face as she cries, unable to prevent the plethora of emotions bombarding her — purest forms of joy, grief, and pleasure ricochet within her, unbounded and ferocious. 

Jamie immediately leaps up to hover over her. “Dani… Dani?” she inquires worriedly, fingers trying to peel the masking hand away to reveal the blonde’s anguished face. “Dani what’s wrong, love? Did I hurt you?” 

Dani can’t respond and only continues crying under Jamie. 

“Dani, talk to me. I didn’t mean to hurt you... _Fuck what did I do?..._ Look at me, Dani. Please,” Jamie pleads, voice trembling with fear and angst, thumb stroking Dani’s shoulder soothingly. 

Dani discloses her face and looks up at the green, fearful eyes that are inches from her, so docile as they scan Dani for any signs of harm. Dani shakes her head, heaving to catch her breath.

“You-you… You didn’t hurt me,” she stutters. “I just… _Jamie_.” She pauses as a sob rides through her again. She is fearful of how meek and attached her next words will make her seem, but she proceeds anyway through her vulnerability. “I don’t want this to end.”

Jamie leaves a light kiss on her forehead, lingering her lips there. “I know,” she whispers into Dani’s skin. “I know.” 

“I don’t want to go,” Dani weeps.

Jamie hovers again, gazing down at her courageously and determined. An attentive thumb comes up to tenderly wipe away streaming tears from her cheekbones, trailing down to catch the ones that are dripping near her chin. 

“Then don’t.” 

“Wha…” 

“Come with me to Los Angeles, Dani.” Jamie’s eyes are pleading, hopeful in every sense. “Come with me. You’ll like it there. You will.” 

Dani manages only a shake of her head, squeezing her eyes to fend off the temptation of Jamie’s offering. “I can’t, Jamie.”

“Why not? You would be…” 

“No,” Dani croaks. “It isn’t fair… for you. I’d be pulling you into… into things you don’t deserve to have to deal with.” 

“Dani, you aren’t pulling me into anything.” Her eyes dart back and forth between each of Dani’s, desperately searching her, but Dani looks away as best as she can. “I…” Jamie sighs, so anguished and desperate. “I’d take you with me, love. Happily.” Her voice is caught in her throat as she urges Dani’s chin with fingers so their gazes are meeting again. Jamie’s expression alone is childlike in its begging. “Please, Dani.”

Dani is too set, feet stuck in concrete that would never allow her to escape. “I can’t.” 

Jamie gives a wretched breath, shaky with devastation and rejection. She peels back from Dani, crawling to sit at the edge of the bed where she huddles into herself. 

Dani props herself on her elbows to study the side-profile of Jamie, shoulders slumped and face in her hands. Her hitched breaths are within the curtain of her palms as her body grows evermore tremulous. Jamie is crying, a sight so foreign to Dani that she hardly knows how to react. 

She leaps to her knees and moves over to Jamie. She wraps her arms around Jamie’s middle, placing a kiss on each shoulder blade before resting her cheek on the chilled skin there. “Oh, Jamie,” Dani whispers. She hushes her as she kisses again at her shoulder before nestling her chin near the crook of her neck. In her ear she mutters, “It isn’t because of you, you know? I want more than anything to go with you.” 

The statement only has Jamie falling further into a defeated abyss, only mustering a strictly frustrated sigh and one nod of her head. Dani despises feeling this resilient and bold woman slowly vanishing in her grasp. 

“It isn’t over, Jay. I’ll visit you… in L.A. I’ll write to you, all the time.” 

Jamie only shakes her head. “You won’t.” 

“I will.” Dani breathes against her skin, but Jamie is doubtful, clenching fists in her lap and huffing. In response, Dani leans over Jamie’s shoulder and turns her face with a forbearing finger so their eyes are met. “I will. I promise you, Jamie.”

The very act of promising to this extent is aching Dani, making her nauseous and guilty because she is fully aware that it is empty. Maybe she will visit Jamie. She is sure she will send a few letters. However, Dani has spent her entire life being soberingly realistic. Come tomorrow, their goodbyes will be concrete, enough to cut the tether between them in half, and she can hardly fathom a future situation where she will be able to tie them back together. 

But, for now, the empty promises are a comfort. Enough to get them through the night, through the morning, through their ride to Colorado, and through the remainder of their years apart. 

Jamie gives a composing snivel and allows Dani to kiss her gently; a succession of kisses down to her chest follow. Then, she grabs Jamie’s hand, lacing their fingers and bringing Jamie’s knuckles to her lips. 

“You,” Dani begins a she looks deep into Jamie. “You, Jamie, have given me… the world. These few days have changed a lot. A whole hell of a lot.” She wipes away tears from Jamie’s cheeks. “How could I forget that? How could I ever let that go?” 

Jamie nods and leans her forehead against Dani’s. It’s then that Dani sees the little patch of purpled skin on Jamie’s neck, a hickey that she had left there unintentionally at some point. She brushes a thumb over it gently as she pulls back from Jamie to examine it.

“Sorry,” Dani softly chuckles. 

“What is it?” Jamie asks. 

“Left a little present here I guess,” Dani sighs as she leans forward to kiss it soothingly after poking it elicited a little pained hiss from Jamie. “Little piece of me to take with you,” she jests. 

Jamie laughs and it sends a rush of relief through Dani. It is difficult to push away how distressing it is to see Jamie so upset, and Dani is certain she will do anything to ensure Jamie is okay. 

However, just when progress has been made, it falters quickly as Jamie runs her own hand over the blemish on her neck. “Will fade though,” she says, voice hollowed by the sorrow of it. 

Not only will the purples and reds of the mark fade into nothingness until it is all just a memory and phantom feeling, but the vibrance of them will fade and grey over time too. Turning their affinity into nothing more than a distant, hopefully fond, recollection. One that will be taken out once in a blue moon, dusted off and read through before its return into the deepest, darkest caverns of a mind’s shelf. 

Dani’s lip trembles as she feels the menacing sting of tears welling again. She gives a faint nod as she kisses Jamie’s forehead. She exhales shakily and retreats before choking out, “Yeah… it will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I’m over half-way done with this fic… wild!!!
> 
> Anyway, this was way longer than I anticipated, but I just could not resist myself… so I’m sorry about that. 
> 
> I also want to thank everyone for all the support so far. Very nice of all of you to stick around!
> 
> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> (Also, a sidenote that I forgot to mention before, I edit all these myself which is hardly a good idea given I'm an awful editor, so for all the mistakes within this, I am very sorry haha.) 
> 
> (Chapter title from Time Has Told Me by Nick Drake.)


	6. it never rains in southern california

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a dreary and rainy day in Colorado. Dani hates the rain.

First ring. Second Ring. Dani leans her back against the glass of the phone booth, tapping her toe impatiently. Third Ring. Fourth. 

“Hello?” 

“Rebecca, hi.” Dani exhales within a nervous chuckle. 

“Dani?” Rebecca’s voice is riddled with concern. “What happened? Where are you?” 

“I’m in… ” Dani turns to look for any reminder of what town they’re in. “I think it’s called Limon. I can see the mountains, so there’s that.” 

“You’re in Colorado… now?” 

“Yeah.” 

“The hell happened to _a couple of days,_ Dani?” 

Dani slightly cringes at her abrupt reprimanding; however, she knows she should feel worse under Rebecca’s anger. Yes, she knows she forgot to call Rebecca and tell her she would, in fact, not be there in two days. Yes, she knows that was an awful thing to do, but there are too many other extenuating emotions grappling in her mind for her to even care about that right now. In all honesty, Dani is content in the scolding, feels she deserves it because of what she’s done not only to Rebecca but for what she’s done to Jamie. 

Especially to Jamie. 

It was odd how much she and Jamie shifted. One moment Dani was waking up, bare and dazed, within the arms of a woman that she dismissed the night before. It was a wonder how Jamie could still desire to be this close to her after Dani hurt her and disappointed her. Then, within the brief moment of them gazing at one another Jamie mustered a smile and got up, detaching herself from her completely. 

From then, their dynamic changed. Jamie hasn’t kissed her, tenses under Dani’s touch, doesn’t even do the slightest bit of brushing up against her that she did so commonly — thumbs against her waist, knee tenderly running against hers, shoulder swiping her gently. Nothing. 

But not all is gone. Jamie still smiles at her. Still makes conversation with her. Still does her characteristic breathy chuckle when Dani says something just funny enough. Still hums to the radio as they drive. Still contentedly drinks her coffee and smokes in the restaurant at breakfast. 

Even in those little mannerisms and gestures, there is still an evident distinction. When she smiles, it only lasts a few seconds now, maybe less. When they make conversation, it is not nearly as effortless. When she chuckles at Dani, it is quieter and she adds a new shake of the head — one Dani does not recognize; it has a hint of shame and annoyance in it she thinks. Even when she hums to the radio, she does so now as a nervous filler, no more drumming fingers on the steering wheel and no more rhythmic bobbing to the head. And even when she smoked and drank her coffee at breakfast, she smoked six cigarettes in their time rather than her usual three and remarked that she never liked coffee, wished all along it was something else, anything else. That one, that last one, so benign but intentional, hit Dani. Coffee, the first thing they enjoyed together, she apparently despised all along. 

What was once intimate and honest between them, is now nearing platonic and impassive. And it pains Dani, but she is no fool. She is wiser than people give her credit for, so she understands the inevitability of it. Comprehends completely that the night before was their last night, and to cope with their separation it is easier to push away the intimacy of their relationship. There is no place for it now. 

Dani looks behind herself from the phone booth at Jamie filling the truck with gas. 

“I-uh… I got… caught up,” she finally responds to Rebecca. 

“Caught up? You know your mother has called me several times already, and she’s bloody relentless… And Eddie, he won’t leave Peter alone about this. You know what that entails, Dani? Peter not leaving _me_ alone about it either.” Rebecca releases a frustrated huff. “You have your entire family convinced you’ve either gone mad, are hiding in my basement, or been murdered… Or all three! And they think _I’m_ the culprit. So, I really don’t want to hear that you’ve just been _caught up._ ” 

“I know, I know,” Dani musters in a whisper, suddenly hoarse in her nerves, so she clears her throat. “I’ve just…” Dani sighs and leans against the wall of the booth again, putting her forehead in her palm. “I took the wrong bus, then I went to find a hotel, and I ended up hitching a ride with someone.” 

“Dani...” Rebecca says lowly. Her name slides off her tongue with such disappointment that Dani swears she feels it crawling through the receiver.“With a stranger?” 

“Um… Yeah.” 

“You’ve gone mad.” 

“I’m aware of that.” 

Rebecca gives a stunned laugh. “You could have been murdered, Dani. You’re a dunce for this, you know? A real idiot.” 

“Well, I didn’t get murdered.” 

“Yet!” 

“Rebecca, for Christ’s sake we’re not even two hours away. I highly doubt she’ll murder me now.” 

“ _She?_ ”

“Yeah.” Dani looks over where she expects Jamie to be, but she’s gone now. She brushes it off, reasoning she has just gone into the convenience store. “She’s nice.” 

“Like nice, or _nice_ ? _”_

“What?” Dani questions, brows knitting in confusion. “What are you talking about?” 

“Oh, you know what I’m bloody talking about. Are you two...?” 

Dani closes her eyes in aggravation. “You’re unbearable.” 

Rebecca laughs. “It’s just a simple question.”

Dani grumbles in slight annoyance, eyes darting like she is facing Rebecca in person, and looking her in the eye would be too humiliating. “I mean… yeah I guess.” 

“Scandalous.” 

“Barely.” Dani frowns and releases a chagrined exhale, swiping her boot over the dusty concrete below her. “She wants me to go to Los Angeles with her.” 

Mere seconds pass in silence, but they feel like an eternity to Dani. She waits fretfully for Rebecca to answer because she desperately needs someone to tell her what to do. She doesn’t particularly need a certain piece of advice; she just needs something. Anything. 

One part of her hopes Rebecca will tell her she is stupid if she even ponders the thought to go. The other part of her hopes Rebecca will tell her to go. Tell her that she has nothing to lose. Colorado is a bore, and Los Angeles has much more to offer. However, Rebecca does neither. 

“Do you want to go?” Rebecca questions. 

Dani scoffs. “What?” 

“Do you want to go to L.A.?” she repeats with more emphasis. 

“Why are you asking me that?” 

“Because you seem upset.” 

“I’m not upset.”

“You are.” 

Dani groans. “Becs, I can’t stand you.” 

“You love me,” Rebecca snickers. “Now can you just get yourself over here? And call your mother before she sends a search party after you.” 

She releases a breathy laugh, enough to lighten her spirits just enough. “You know she’d never do that.”

“Suppose not, huh?” Rebecca chuckles. “Please just get here in one piece, okay?” 

“I will… Buh-Bye.” 

She hangs up the phone and looks back out to a scenery still absent of Jamie. She sighs and slides open the door to enter the scarce, dirt lot of the gas station they’re at, surrounded by mills and highways. A scene that is entirely grey and mundane. There is a dewy, earthy smell of impending rain hanging over too, and that is enough to dig nails deeper into her already failing mood, heightening her inner turmoil. She hardly enjoys the rain, and she certainly does not want it now. 

As she walks over to the truck, she watches Jamie emerge from the little store, paper bag in hand and a lingering wave to the clerk over her shoulder. It’s honestly quite astonishing how quickly Jamie can alter her mood. Fake a smile, saccharine and wide, to the store clerk one moment, then the next it falls flat to a blank expression that is directed to the ground. 

Dani leans against the truck, hands tucked into the pockets of her denim jacket. The light breeze carries her hair over her face as she squints in Jamie’s direction. 

Jamie finally looks up to her, and Dani is on the receiving end of a slight smile, still friendly in nature, and a gestured raise of her arm to present the paper bag. 

“Got us lunch,” she says, volume raised to reach Dani over their distance. 

Dani swipes the untamed hair from her face, tucking her hands back into her pockets before smiling back at Jamie. 

Jamie stands before her, barely a foot from her, and Dani can’t resist contemplating her, eyes tracing all of her features. The sharpness of her tensed jawline, the peach undertones of her smooth skin with the little flushed splotches that have been wind bitten from all of the gravel around them spewing into the air, and, her favorite, the golden, jade eyes that are focused on presenting all the items she has accumulated in the shop. Bright, impenetrable, and mesmerizing. 

“Got us a couple of Cokes. And the fella in there said something about a club sandwich, haven’t got a clue what that means or what makes it so special to have a club, but I got two of… ” 

Dani giggles at her cluelessness, a sound that interrupts Jamie. “Chicken and bacon.” 

“What?” 

“A club sandwich. It’s just chicken and bacon… with other stuff, but yeah… that’s it.” 

“Americans and your weird names,” Jamie chuckles with a shake of her head. 

Dani fondly smiles, and she feels a slight closeness growing between them again, and she silently rejoices in it as she feels Jamie hover close to her as she continues with her coy laughing. She about melts when she feels her arm brush up against her and brown hair swishing lightly across her face as Jamie bows her head timidly. She has an urge to wrap an arm around her, kiss her temple, and banter with her until they plunge deeper into their laughter. 

But she never gets the chance because Jamie detaches, turns, and walks away with a conflicted sigh, fingers pensively itching at the back of her head. 

Dani watches her go and feels a brutal ache in her core, one that claws at her heart and pinches her nerves. There’s an impulse to reach out to her, turn her around, and tell her how she feels. Admit that she doesn’t like this wall between them, that it hurts her, and to apologize with every bit of her. But she doesn’t have the courage nor the validity to do so. 

Jamie puts the bag in the bed of the truck before she releases the tailgate, a makeshift seat for them to sit on. Jamie hops onto it. She eyes Dani then drops her eyes to the truck as a way of inviting Dani to join her. 

As Dani props herself onto the tailgate, Jamie is handing her a can of coke and her sandwich, neatly wrapped in brown butcher paper and a twine bow. 

“Thank you,” Dani simpers. Although she is much too nauseous to have an appetite, she unwraps it anyway and takes a bite solely out of gratitude. 

Jamie only nods as she goes about eating, eyes stuck on the view before her. 

Halfway through their silent lunch, Dani puts down her food and dusts her hands off. A wave of courage rushes through her, an undeniable push that gets her to finally enter a discussion with Jamie. No more dithering. No more pacifying. 

“Jamie?” 

“Hm?” Jamie hums, continuing to face away. 

“You okay?” 

Dani feels foolish with the question. Obviously, Jamie isn’t. If Dani isn’t, how could Jamie be okay?

Jamie nods. 

The expected lack of an answer ensues, making Dani wish she had some skill to garner a substantial response from the already inherently reserved Jamie. It is a difficult task in itself. One that takes the utmost skill, and as much as Dani hates to admit it, she has only known Jamie for six days. So, reading her and solving her is nearly impossible. She wishes she had more time, more time to collect everything that Jamie is comprised of. 

“You sure?”

Dani about facepalms with the dull words that leave her; she’s certain she visibly cringes at herself too. She curses her inability to address these situations effectively. Particularly now given she needs to resolve this as soon as possible. 

Jamie looks over at her, eyes withdrawn in a way that makes them undecipherable to Dani. Almost as if Jamie is in this restless daze, glazed over and tired eyes to show for it. 

Jamie inhales deeply, shrugging as she does so. “Fine, considerin’.” 

Dani sighs dismally at her honesty, and seeing Jamie in this state makes her far bolder than she has ever been with anyone else. She hardly processes herself inching closer to Jamie, but it hits her once they are flush, and she feels Jamie’s warmth radiating from her. She lays her head on Jamie’s shoulder. Immediately, Jamie’s stiff posture significantly softens under Dani’s touch.

Dani takes Jamie’s tanned, calloused hand into her own, placing their palms together as Dani looks at its qualities. The veins, the dips and curves of tendons. Freckles, some small, some large and deep brown, adorn it. She laces their fingers together, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. 

She looks up at Jamie and breaks the silence. “It’s so funny, you know?” 

“What is?”

“I’ve known you for six days.” She huffs a laugh in disbelief as she shakes her head and looks back at her lap. “And I feel like today is about the worst day of my life.” She’s only partly joking. Her intentions are to lighten the air, but she does feel this way to an extent. 

Jamie laughs. “I must be the _crème de la crème_ if you feel that way after six days,” she jokes with a playful smile. 

“Yeah,” Dani says to which Jamie continues laughing, thinking Dani is kidding. 

Dani doesn’t laugh and lets a small simper slip through, nothing more. She looks up at Jamie and nods in agreement. “You really are. That’s the funny thing too, Jamie. Six days and I’m already sure of that.”

Jamie knits her brows inquisitively. “Really?” 

Dani hums in confirmation with another nod. “Can’t tell if that’s offputting or not,” she says timidly. 

“Not at all.” Jamie pauses in her internal deliberation, leaning into Dani and leaving a chaste kiss on her scalp. “I feel it too, you know?” 

Dani shifts her gaze to Jamie and smiles, entirely hopeful and adoring. “Yeah?” 

Jamie nods. 

“Wanna see what else I got?” Jamie asks, head motioning at the paper bag behind them with a smirk.

  
After Dani confirms her interest, Jamie carefully pulls out a little jar with a blue and white flower in it. It’s dainty and beautiful. 

“Saw this in there and made me realize how much I miss all my plants… so I had to have it. Wasn’t for sale though… But, I believe I did swoon the lady in there with my accent… bloody annoying woman she was, but she let me have it.” She shrugs with a shy smile as she holds it up near Dani’s face for comparison. “Matches your eyes.” 

“Yeah?” 

Jamie nods. 

“It’s a columbine,” Jamie says. “I’ve only seen them crimson, but this one’s blue… You give them for encouragement… to spur bravery. Which you ought to have more of, you know? Even though, I reckon you’re the toughest I know. Much braver than you think you are.” 

Dani gives her a touched grin before taking the extended flower gently, holding it as if it is the most precious thing in the world. 

Jamie feigns sternness with a pointed forefinger. “You better take care of it, now. Don’t you let it die.” 

Dani laughs. “I can’t make any promises,” she jokes then leans into Jamie again. “Thank you.”

“M-hm.” 

They gaze at one another, smiles adorning their faces. A tender moment is shared as Dani leans forward to show her gratitude through a kiss, entirely forgetting they aren’t at all hidden in this gas station lot, but neither of them pays any attention to caution. 

However, nature has other plans for them, and, as if right on cue, an abundance of cold, unbridled rain begins to fall before they could ever touch. Leaving both of them to shriek under the showers and quickly scurry back inside the truck. 

God, does Dani hate the rain. 

As they head to Boulder, their company is filled with comfortable conversation, mostly about their immediate plans upon their arrivals to their destinations, and they happen to be fairly identical to the answers they gave when the question was first asked. Jamie says she may stick around in Boulder for a little and stop off at a pub, take a moment to drown in a couple of beers. Dani says she’ll sleep, not before wringing Rebecca’s fiancé’s neck — which elicits roaring laughter from Jamie, Dani’s favorite sound. Then she says she’ll have to call her mother and start fixing up the things she muddled. 

Then, Jamie marvels at the mountains. Comments about how they seem to hold every color capable to the eye. Blue, pink, purple, green, and dusted white with lingering snow. She ogles at the view, gushing about what she’d give just to stand on one of their peaks. Sure, it makes Dani smile, makes her want to take Jamie up there so they could stand above the world, yell at the top of their lungs where no one could hear except for the land around them that would carom the echoes of their voices. A place that is so abundant yet so hidden. 

But Dani doesn’t hold the same adoration for them. She knows that the closer the mountains get, the closer they are to Boulder. The closer they are to Rebecca’s. The closer they are to goodbye. 

And suddenly, as if within the lapse of a single blink of an eye, the distant mountains are suddenly towering just before them, mere miles away. 

Dani has a map and the creased, yellowed phonebook page she had ripped out in Dayton sprawled across her lap, eyes diligently studying the routes as she leads Jamie through the maze-like suburb lining the mountains. Streets are adorned with huge vine-covered, ornately architectured homes, people sitting on their porches to admire the rain, a handful of college students run through the rain, dancing and shrieking. 

“Here,” Dani says, pointing at a mailbox engraved with _Quint & Jessel. 476. _

Jamie abruptly stops before the home. It’s quite large with elaborate red brick from top to bottom, a black steel fence, and a vibrant, green lawn. 

Jamie clears her throat and leans forward a bit, examining the home before her. “This it?” she asks. 

Dani hesitantly nods and inhales deeply. “Yeah.” 

She turns to look at Jamie, gazing at her with trepidation and melancholy. And she takes a silent moment to douse herself with the image of Jamie. She lets it bloom and glide in her mind like ink spreading within a droplet of water until it forms a vivid picture of Jamie to reside in her memory. Frizzed, walnut waves from the rain; glistening, damp green eyes; rosy lips, soft and slick with balm. Perfect, beautiful, everything. 

Dani’s mouth forms into a crooked simper when she notices she’s wearing the same black, fringed suede jacket she was wearing the night she picked her up in Dayton. Grows teary-eyed when she notices the same Bowie t-shirt too. It’s funny, she thinks to herself, how the universe seems to intentionally craft moments like this. A moment nearly identical to the one where she saw Jamie the first time. In Dayton, she was downtrodden and miserable, entering into a journey with a woman she never expected. Now, she is once again downtrodden and miserable, but this time she is leaving. Departing from the best days she’s ever had and the best woman she’s ever known.

“Should probably give you this,” Jamie mumbles as she reaches forward into her glove compartment and grabs a little journal, blue and leatherbound. She pulls out the pen that was nestled in the spine and jots down something on a page. She scribbles it out a few times, groaning frustratedly while she does so. She rips it out, finally, and hands it over. 

“I can’t quite remember the number. This should be it, though... I left their names, so you can look them up if need be.” 

Dani smiles and nods, admiring the little paper with Jamie’s messy penmanship. She goes about folding up the map and stowing it away, then she looks at the phonebook page still in her lap. 

Dani takes the pen from Jamie and circles the correct address and number, then she hands her the page. “Should save us the trouble. You can call me, send letters. Anything. Just please do, okay?” 

Jamie takes it and folds it up, slipping it into her breast pocket and patting it to ensure safekeeping. “Promise,” she firmly nods. 

Dani’s smile falters as she feels the air suddenly turns stale, moderately awkward in its torturous and unwanted nature. 

“I guess I should…” Dani mutters, pointing behind herself, referring to her departure. She leans forward towards Jamie almost in instinct, stopping in anxious apprehension until she sees Jamie do the same. They share a single kiss, brief and light and almost disappointing in nature. 

“Bye,” Dani mumbles simply as she turns to the door to push herself out, but she feels a hand grip at the sleeve of her jacket, pulling her back softly. 

Dani turns her head quickly, hope crashing into her when she sees the needy look on Jamie’s face, paired with devastated eyes calling out to her. 

  
“Come here,” Jamie whispers, her eyes dropping to lock onto Dani’s lips. 

Dani leans forward immediately and takes Jamie’s face into her hands. Jamie does the same, sturdy fingers latch at either cheekbone. Their lips meet effortlessly and earnestly, falling into place perfectly as if Jamie and Dani are the last two pieces needed to complete a puzzle. 

They press several long kisses on each other’s lips, each one meaningful in passing along wordless messages of goodbye, appreciation, and courage. Like a language, they express all of the pent up words they could never share; within these kisses, they can be vulnerable and honest. 

Jamie pulls away first, pressing her forehead against Dani’s, thumb stroking her cheekbone tenderly. She turns her face slightly to kiss Dani’s palm that is resting on her cheek before peeling back completely. 

Dani’s lip trembles at the loss of touch, and she even feels herself about to involuntarily reach out for Jamie once she pulls away. She's entirely juvenile in her neediness for Jamie to come back. To hold her again. To kiss her again. 

But Jamie only gifts her an encouraging smile and a wink. “Don’t you get soppy on me, love,” she chuckles with a sniffle as she thumbs away a tear that streams down Dani’s cheek. With a careful finger, she shifts blonde hair behind Dani’s ear and runs a set of knuckles down her cheek with a gentle caress. “Be brave for me, yeah?” 

Dani gulps down irksome tears, nodding as she wipes at her nose. “Okay,” she manages. 

“I’ll see you soon.” Jamie smiles optimistically, her green eyes vibrant against the red that is beginning to blossom around them as she strains to hold back tears. 

Dani musters her best smile and gets out of the truck, leaving the warmth and security of Jamie into a world that is cold and daunting without her. The rain taunts her, barrels down on her with all its might as she scurries to the front door. She takes a second to turn once to smile at Jamie again before hurrying the rest of the way out of the rain.

She feels tethers on her limbs trying to turn her around again, but she fights them. Each one whispering slickly that Dani should run back to Jamie. _Damn your mother, Dani. Damn Eddie, Dani. Damn all of them. Go with her. Go with her. Go with her._

_No._

She battles them as she pounds on Rebecca’s door until she opens it, giving Dani the brightest, welcoming grin. She doesn’t turn when Rebecca gives a small wave at Jamie who is still lingering. She doesn’t turn as she hears the clicks of changing gears and revving of an engine as Jamie drives away, leaving her behind. She stares ahead, keeps on going, and never turns back. 

Dani knows she should be happier about seeing Rebecca for the first time in years, but all she feels is like she is missing a chunk of her and she’s somber in response. Sullen and woeful as she tries on her best smile for Rebecca, hugging her tight, and feigning her most convincing elation. 

“Let me take that from you,” Rebecca smiles as she takes Dani’s damp denim jacket to hang by the door. She pats Dani’s shoulder, her face riddled with pity because Rebecca can recognize anything within Dani. Knows her cover to cover, possibly even better than she knows herself. “I’ll make you a brew; good for a day like this.”

Dani watches as Rebecca practically waltzes to the kitchen – voluminous, black curls flowing in her every step; a white, flowing chiffon sundress trailing her. She’s much different than what she remembers. Nowhere near the same uptight, grave woman she knew before. She is unfettered now, more serene and astute. 

The creaking of floorboards has Dani jerking her head towards the corridor where a tall, daunting figure, dressed in a navy blue suit and a grey turtleneck, emerges to join her in the foyer. He has that permanent smug smirk and jutting jaw.

“Peter,” Dani bluntly greets with a small nod. 

“Danielle,” he says in passing, eyeing her only briefly with barely any regard for her presence. 

She never got along with him. Actually, she practically loathes him. And she’s certain he feels the same after this entire situation given he and Eddie are thick as thieves. She is sure Eddie has told him everything. And given how traditional Peter is, Dani is sure he would never approve of a woman who had the audacity to abruptly flee a wedding. But if Dani is honest with herself, there is not one person in the world who would understand or accept it. Jamie maybe. Rebecca too, only because she knows why. Always has. 

She watches him pull Rebecca by the waist into him with what could be deemed as mild aggression, eliciting a forced giggle from Rebecca. He leans down to place a searing kiss on her lips, whispering goodbye as he departs. Rebecca watches cautiously as he leaves and drives away. Once he’s gone, she turns to face Dani finally, a puckish smile on her face as she beckons her over to the kitchen table to sit. 

“Lady of yours is fit,” she smirks, looking impressed as she brings the cup of tea to her lips. 

Dani scoffs as she lays out the piece of paper with Jamie’s writing and the jar with the flower atop the table. “You’ll never quit will you?” 

“Only observing.” Rebecca gives her a simple shrug. “She is quite nice though… looking that is.” 

Dani shakes her head and chuckles, eyes staring at the flower still, finger spinning the jar back and forth idly. 

“What’s this then?” Rebecca asks as she glides a finger down one of the pedals. 

“She gave it to me.” 

“A romantic too?” Rebecca gasps. “Be still my heart.” 

Dani glares at her playfully. “This was a mistake,” she jokes.

“Oh, please… You must stay. Peter is driving me crazy.” 

“Per usual.” 

Rebecca nods, a teasing glint in her eyes. It is very much like Rebecca to do about anything to cheer Dani up, and given Dani is hardly cheerful, she can see the thoughts clamoring behind Rebecca’s eyes. Ideas are roaming as she reads Dani. 

“He wants to marry me, but I need an out. Thought you could maybe give me some advice, given, you know, your circumstance.” 

Dani knows she is joking, and on any other day she would be doubling over with laughter, but her words make her even more somber and stressed with her situation. Now it is flooding back that she has calls to make, people to see, things to mend. Things she would rather kill over than give her effort to. 

“Sorry, if I…” Rebecca says as she puts a hand on Dani’s. 

“No, no,” Dani says, swatting a mollifying hand down. “Just… there’s a lot to process now.” Dani looks out the window and sighs, “Does he know?”

“Who? Peter?” 

Dani nods.

“He does,” she says. “Practically everyone does, love. You called them all… right?” 

Dani looks at her, ashamed as she shakes her head.

“Dani,” she groans lightly. 

“I will,” Dani says before changing the subject abruptly as she observes the speedy droplets hit the window from outside, jumping minutely at the thunder that crashes around them. “I hate the rain.” 

“That you do,” Rebecca agrees. “Thought you’d’ve gotten over that by now.” 

“Never,” Dani smirks. 

Rebecca lifts her cup to her lips, eyes about to burn a hole straight through Dani. And through her diligent observation, Dani hardly has the courage to look at Rebecca. She knows Rebecca can read a person like they’re simply an open book, easy text to be read and analyzed. And Dani has fallen victim to that.

“You know, Dani,” she begins with an exhale. “There is a spot, here in the States, where it never rains. You know where?” she asks as she reaches to take the little piece of paper adorned with the scribbles forming a phone number, two names, and the message that reads: _Godspeed, Jamie xxxx._

“Where?” Dani asks, as she carefully examines the way Rebecca looks at the note. She feels oddly attached to the piece of paper, and she keeps a steady eye on Rebecca as if the note is her most prized possession. 

“Jamie, huh?” Rebecca asks with a teasing smile, attention still entirely locked on the note to the point that it prevents her from actually answering her previously stated question. “Fit and her name is Jamie. Where do you find these people, Dani? You’ve got this one, and… what was that girl’s name at uni? El… Ellen… Eleanor? Oh, Evelyn! Her name was Evelyn.” Rebecca snaps her fingers upon her realization. “She was quite pretty too.” 

Although she finds Rebecca’s pristine memory impressive, she’d rather not remember that. She would rather erase the memory of the day Rebecca came back earlier than planned to their dormitory to see Dani occupied with kissing a girl on her bed. Needless to say, that was the day that Rebecca found out about Dani. And they never did address it again. It remained there and mutually understood and accepted, but it never did come up again until this recent predicament with Eddie.   
  
“Becs,” she moans aggravatedly, wanting nothing more than to talk about literally anything else, and her desperation is enough to get Rebecca back on track. 

She lifts that mischievous look up to Dani, sliding the page back and patting Dani’s hand. She sighs as she stands to tend to something by the stove. 

“As I was saying, it’s a place that could suit you well,” she says, turning to face Dani again, an encouraging smirk decorating her. She motions her head in a nod towards the general direction of the outdoors, a direction that Dani will soon understand is in reference to Jamie’s, wherever that may be. “I heard that it never rains in Los Angeles.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone, welcome to my home state! I will admit, I was very happy about getting to write about Colorado and my favorite city. Also, Boulder happened to be one of the little safer pockets of America for queer folks in the 70s. Did you know that Boulder issued several marriage licenses to same-sex couples in 1975? Cool little fun fact. Except for the fact that the state deemed the licenses invalid like a bunch of buzzkills. *crowd boos*
> 
> Anyway, I decided to split this chapter into two parts because... I'm cruel hehe 👹... and if I didn't it would take 50 years for me to post it (you can already blame my classes for that one), and it would be nearly 12,000 words. So, good news, this story has 10 chapters now. But… who knows, it could have 800 because it seems like I keep thinking of new things and writing too damn much 🙄
> 
> Well… Hope everyone liked this! Thanks for sticking around! Means a lot :).
> 
> (Also, sorry for any mistakes, once again. I'll fix them... at some point... hopefully). 
> 
> (Chapter title comes from It Never Rains In Southern California by Albert Hammond.)


	7. nothing else to do but close my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is too busy feeling sorry for herself, but Los Angeles holds a voice of reason
> 
> cw: light physical altercation

The peculiar choice of music, soft folk, coalescing with the effervescence of abundant mingling of bar-goers have Jamie tensing her jaw and dragging a hand up and down her thigh in mild agitation because of the stark contradiction between her and her surroundings. 

She is sitting here for a second hour, in a bar somewhere in the dead center of Boulder deep into the evening, nestled between people, most she assumes are university students. All are vibrant against her shadow — external through a black jacket and flares, internal through her tight moue and slouched stance.

Her temple is propped up by knuckles, elbow against the cherrywood bar. A cigarette smolders between her lips; from it, she softly inhales and puffs lightly to ease enough tension fluidly, leaving enough of a sting and satiation to ease her incrementally.

She studies the phone book page she laid out before her with paper so brittle it is tearing at the creases of its folds, crinkled beyond repair, and it’s yellowed and darker than its newer, white counterparts that are nestled somewhere in another phonebook. 

It is an unnerving realization that this is the only thing Jamie has of Dani, more unnerving when it’s mixed with the awful intuition that she may never see Dani again.

The page hardly holds any evidence of her existence save for the hasty circle drawn around a row in black ink, the one she left to mark the phone number and address of her location. Jamie runs a longing finger around the path of the circle, tracing the last thing Dani made in her presence. 

Jamie wonders for a moment how useful this piece of paper is anyway. When would she be expected to call her? And whenever she did feel a proper amount of time passed — whatever that would be according to some kind of instinctive unspoken statute — and she would all Dani, would she still be there? Would she have stayed in Boulder, or would she have gone elsewhere? Would she have gone back home? Back to _him_? 

The idea of the latter leaves Jamie feeling nauseous, sickened, and perturbed by the idea enough that she straightens her posture, arches, and exhales purposefully through her nose. 

Difficult, is what she would describe this feeling that is coursing through her. It’s difficult to accept that leaving Dani at that house was likely the last moment Jamie would see her, at least in the flesh. She hopes and prays she’ll be graced with a call somewhere down the line. One she imagines will be received so far from now that it will be cumbersome in their unfamiliarity and discomfort, leading there to never be another call from there. 

For the first time in her life, she was ignited with the hope of companionship when Dani came along. And she knew the moment she locked eyes on Dani that she was special. It was the glint in her eye that spewed everything she needed to know about her. It read of her generosity, empathy, and regard. Her compassion and trust were handed over with ease and no currency was expected in repayment. She gave solely for the purpose of giving, and Jamie was unfamiliar with such an act. To be treated so tenderly and with such consideration was unheard of to her. 

Over the duration of six days, Dani taught her and showed her what it meant to cherish something so deeply. It was in the way she gazed at her with that soft smile. It was in the way she would kiss her, linger there and proffer a fuzzy feeling in Jamie’s core that she had never felt before. And it was in the way she touched her. Fingers that traveled the route of her body whether it be dancing along her arm and face in the softest of caresses or buried deep in a thrust within her where they would ignite a flame so intense and hot that Jamie wished they’d never leave. Her touch was so insightful and intentional that Jamie can’t help but yearn for the affection and comfort it provided. 

Not only that but she has this heavy burden of worry residing in her. Deep worry for Dani’s well-being because if there was one thing Jamie vividly recalls, it’s that intense look of fear in her eyes, shown through a permanent glaze and darkness that would overtake them ever so often. A look in her that was surrounded by constantly knit brows like there was always something troubling her. It was pristine in the way she looked at her the last time. Helpless and afraid. And whatever was tormenting her, whatever was due to cause her harm, Jamie wanted to hunt down and eradicate. 

Jamie flicks ash off the end of her cigarette and brings it back to her mouth. A prolonged inhale ensues; the suffocating burn nipping at her throat is satisfyingly painful. She holds the smoke within her lungs as she leans back, vision drawn up as she holds her breath. Finally, after her lungs pound on their walls in bountiful begging, she releases the smoke and it pillows around her. Enough to release a good deal of the distressing discontent nestled deep in her core. 

Through all of this demeaning rumination, she can’t help but grow increasingly vexed at herself. She is much too resilient to feel this despondent and weak. Years and years she’s endured on her own, been heartbroken, been wronged beyond what a person should ever have to bear. She’s gone through enough to have to feel this hurt over such a brief encounter. 

But Jamie can’t deny it. No matter how much effort she puts into swallowing it down, suffocating this restless, longing feeling, and stowing it away in the deepest caverns within her where she can lock it tight, it still finds a way to take shape elsewhere. Where it seeps through until it finds its way back up to squeeze and tweak in Jamie’s mind and heart. It’s a pesky thing, and Jamie despises it. Hates it and wishes to strangle it with all her might. 

She looks away for a moment, then back, but during her brief shift of gaze, she saw a prominent person. The image has her freezing as her eyes lock before her at the bartop. Her heart beats fervently in her chest as she recollects the vision of the woman she has drilled in her mind now. A woman across the bar; petite with a denim jacket and long, flowing blonde hair. _It can't be_ , she decides, but the resemblance is too uncanny for it to be entirely ruled out. She prays, hopes with every ounce of her that when she looks back that it’s her, that it’s Dani. 

She whips her head back in the direction just as the woman turns her head, facing in her direction but not sharing her gaze. But the view is enough. Just enough to send Jamie’s heart dropping to the pit of her stomach, and the pace of her breathing to still completely as she feels her insides creasing and cracking. It’s not her. Not even close and Jamie internally berates herself for even thinking and hoping that it could be. 

She is so hard on herself in fact that her eyes begin to sting and a straining ache blooms in her throat, telltale signs of oncoming tears. _Get a hold of yourself_ , she tells herself as she drags a belligerent hand down her face. 

And just when she thinks this evening couldn’t get worse, she hears the clank of glass against wood and feels the sloshing of beer falling into her lap and flooding the bartop.

Forget her trousers, which are now damp and reeking of beer. She could care less about those. She cares about the phonebook page that is now completely destroyed. Nothing but a pile of smeared pulp and Jamie grabs it to salvage it as best she can, but it crumbles and tears in her hands. 

She eyes the perpetrator, a man just beside her who had accidentally elbowed the beverage. He has turned to face her with wide, guilt-ridden eyes. He’s young, can’t be older than twenty, and his age shows through his innocence and immaturity. 

“Shit,” he curses as he grabs at the napkins in front of them to wipe up his mess. “I am so sorry, ma’am. God, I didn’t mean it.” 

As he speaks, he pushes the napkin into the residue of the paper on the counter, only to destroy it even further. It shouldn’t make Jamie angrier given it is already ruined. And Jamie is too preoccupied with staring at the one piece of Dani she had, no matter how benign and meaningless, to really hear what he is saying. All she hears is the distinct, rapid thumping in her chest as she feels seething anger build in her, brick by brick as the man anxiously tends to her, doing more harm than good. 

And on any other day, Jamie would be laughing, spouting commiseration and reassurances. Bitterness and anger lived so deep within her for so long, but she spent painstaking years resolving that negativity. She gained patience and lightheartedness, but now it’s as if all of that progress has been diminished with unruly, blunt force. Assailing through her now is fury so rich and present she can almost taste it. 

He tries to wipe at her jeans, an involuntary movement through his nerves that has Jamie immediately swatting his hand away with aggressive purpose. He jumps back with remorse decorating his stance and face. His mouth parts to give out more apologies, eyes seemingly welling with his regret. But it doesn’t phase Jamie in the slightest. It doesn’t matter that he’s just a kid who made a simple mistake. Jamie doesn’t care. 

“Fuck off, mate,” she balks close to his face as she shoves him by the chest, leaving him to fall back from his stool into his friend sitting next to him. 

Her volume is enough to catch the attention of a number of people around her, who have stilled and silenced to look at her. She feels small in their stares, guilty and humiliated as eyes burn holes through her, wounding her at every part of her body. In response, it causes excessive and noxious wrath to spume within her until she is sure if she stands there a moment longer she will initiate a handful of skirmishes with the people nearest her. So, to prevent any further trouble, she fumbles for her wallet and slaps down money to cover her two beers.

“Sorry,” she mumbles towards the boy, cowering her gaze to the ground, before rushing out of the bar, pushing through the doors until she is greeted by humid, chilled air. Rain still falls firmly in copious amounts, immediately drenching her which just plagues her attitude further. 

She runs to her truck and swings the door open, slamming it behind her with a strength that makes the truck rattle.

For a moment, she sits there in silence. She shivers and grips her steering wheel, wringing until her palms are raw and knuckles sheet white. Her torment wracks her, assembling so many conflicting feelings of anger and devastation that attack and snarl. 

Thoughts of affirmation and attempts to calm herself festinate, but they’re not strong enough. An internal brawl ensues causing Jamie to whip her hand back and slam her palm against the steering wheel with bruising effort. She does it again. Again. Again. 

Through each forceful contact, she huffs until enough of her outrage has dispersed, and she is left in a puddle of fatigue. Her head falls forward and leans against the steering wheel. 

“Fuck,” she quietly wavers, breath still uneven and shaking until it takes a turn down a more emotional path. Her shoulders shake as she falls into a fit of silent crying. 

Although her vulnerability is released in the safety of the privacy of her truck, she still feels embarrassed and angry at herself for allowing such poignancy. She finds it sickening and unwarranted, so she only lets her tears continue for a few seconds before gulping and inhaling a gust of stabilizing breath. After holding it in, attempting to steady herself more, she hisses it out through gritted teeth and wipes her hand up and down her face, a nearly violent vigor to her touch that leaves her skin warm and tender.

“Come on, Jamie,” she mutters to herself. “Get a hold of yourself. You’re fine. _You’re fine._ ” 

A breakdown like this was a long time coming after years of bottling up her emotions. Straining and holding back any feeling she had as to not appear feeble. Now, after losing Dani, the only figure in her life who made her feel like it was okay to feel everything, and losing the only piece of her, that damn stupid paper, Jamie fills up. Fills and fills with these burdening and dreadful feelings that lead to her collapse. Lead to her falling apart right here in her truck. Alone and humiliated. 

Leaning her head back against the headrest, she sniffles and sighs. “I’m bloody crazy.” 

And with the last words to herself, she pushes the keys into the ignition and pulls out of the lot, promising herself she’ll drive the rest of the way without thinking about Dani. Won’t let her cross her mind even for a moment. Convincing herself that, at the end of the day, she spent such a small amount of time with her that dwelling on it is excessive and useless. 

However, she lasts a mere three hours before the radio starts playing a song Dani is fond of. It’s Carole King. A song that oddly resonates with her in its soft and forlorn rhythm and messages about distance and yearning. It taunts her in its stark resemblance to their situation. 

It’s when that song plays that Dani comes flooding back. Blonde, blue, and blush swarm Jamie. She wishes Dani to be here, sitting in the passenger seat, humming and bobbing her head. Wishes to hear her giggling at Jamie’s dramatically disgusted scowl in regard to the song. _Oh, you can’t disrespect Carole King, Jamie. She’s an American gem. It’s basically treason to hate her._

Jamie remembers laughing at her words to the point that she huffs a soft chuckle now in recollection. It falters when she sees that empty passenger seat. Oh, it would be so fine to see her face right now. 

After dwelling on that for a considerable amount of time, she turns off the radio and achieves stashing away thoughts of Dani far enough in a realm in her brain that she cannot reach. It takes a bit of self-deprecation and reprimanding, but she succeeds. Leaving the remaining time she drives to be in blissful and empty silence. Thinking of nothing but Los Angeles. Of seeing Owen and Hannah again. Of opening the florist. A new set of goals over the horizon thankfully take up her contemplation. Enough to drive out her pining for now. 

She reaches Los Angeles in the early evening of the next day. On her tenth day of travel, she turns up alongside a restaurant on Sunset Boulevard, lively in its Friday night surge. People culminate and confer under the awning outside, illuminated by the golden pinks of the sunset, dim yellow of street lamps, and the twinkling of the small, white lights strung outside of the restaurant.

She feels a sense of pride build in her for Owen and Hannah. So happy to see a thriving business that they are responsible for that is obviously universally enjoyed and visited. 

Entering the door, a bell chime announces her entrance and she is greeted with the soft cloud of jazz music. People are collected more abundantly within. They crowd in groups at tables, laughing and socializing. Some people of obvious stature, others just common folk. 

The atmosphere is ineffable, so much so that the ache in Jamie’s heart is beginning to subside until it becomes virtually nothing. 

It is replaced with a pounding heart filled with excitement as she sees him behind the bar, Owen. He stands tall and notable with that goofy grin on his face as he attends to those at the bar. His arms are crossed over his navy blue, pinstripe apron as he teeters back and forth on his heels, deep in conversation. She huffs a small laugh when he pushes up his circular, wire-frame glasses, runs fingers through his perfectly combed black hair, then glides a palm downward from his mustache to the scruff on his chin. The same sequence of motions he did all the time whenever they’d converse: glasses, hair, mustache — rinse and repeat. 

The chime of the bell coinciding with her entrance catches his attention and he languidly raises his gaze to her.

“Welcome -” his voice catches as his grin grows wider when he sees Jamie, and he begins a bout of stunned laughter, announcing with gusto, “Jamie!” 

She smiles bashfully, never faring well with reunions, and saunters over to him — unable to subdue the exhaustion of travel enough to close their distance faster, but once they meet in the center of the dining area, he engulfs her in a strong, joyful embrace. He sways side to side with her in tow and gives her a couple of squeezes that she relaxes into, sighing contentedly in the hold of a dear friend. 

He pulls back and pats her arm. “So good to see you,” he grins as he takes a moment to look her over. “Looking a bit weary, but it’ll do.” 

“You’re so kind,” Jamie monotones. 

He only responds with a fond smile before turning. “Hannah,” he shouts over his shoulder. 

In response, a woman across the restaurant spins towards his booming voice. She looks the same as before. She still proudly sports that shaved head, an interesting choice in style as many have regarded; however, it makes her all the more unique. So does the fact that she is wearing a deep green turtleneck sweater in the middle of June.

She beams from across the room and strides over, her long skirt flowing in her trail. She takes Jamie’s forearm into a gentle grasp to welcome her warmly. “Oh my, look at you, dear,” she smiles near breathlessly. “Took you long enough.” 

“Quite the greetings you two have,” Jamie remarks. “Hello, it is nice to see you both.” 

“You didn’t tell her _hello_ , Owen?” Hannah asks, a less than enthused quirk of her brow to follow. 

“I did, didn’t I?” he asks. 

Jamie can only scoff a laugh and shake her head. 

“Well I apologize on behalf of his rude behavior, he’s been quite the handful lately.” She gives him a playful glare that only dissolves into shared adoring smiles. She faces Jamie again, focused on tending to her. “I’m sure you’re starved. We have the most wonderful roast lamb tonight.” 

Jamie flaps a refusing hand down. “No, no. I’m alright. I could use a drink though.” 

Owen crosses his arms in a mock displeased manner. “They’ll put you behind bars for that one,” he says, hiding a pleased smirk that always precedes one of his awful puns. 

“What?” Jamie questions, genuinely confused. 

“For resisting _a-roast_ ,” he says bluntly with a shrug. 

Hannah and Jamie stare at him blankly for a few moments before the pun finally dawns on them. 

Hannah only releases the slightest, endearing grumble with a gentle swat at his arm which he seems to rejoice in happily. 

“God, Owen,” Jamie groans as she takes the lead to the bar as she is in dire need of liquor. “Thought you would have let up with that long ago once you realized your absence of talent… Really? A-roast.”

“Arrest, a-roast— ” 

“Yeah, yeah I got it,” Jamie says as she faces Hannah. “And you’ve stayed married to him for how long, Hannah?” 

“Ouch,” Owen jokes as he circles the bar and faces her from the other side. Hannah lovingly clings to his arm as she gazes at Jamie too.

“Five years now,” she smiles. “We’ll see about six if he keeps on with these puns, however.”

“Ouch again.” He feigns offense but only simpers down at Hannah before planting a tender kiss on her head. She pats his back and walks off to tend to her more important duties, bidding a temporary farewell to Jamie. 

Owen shifts his eyes to Jamie. “Gin and T still? Or I can pour you a glass of wine. Cabernet, Merlot.” 

“G & T,” she replies simply as she hoists herself up onto a stool. “Need a bit more than wine tonight.” 

“Oh, is that so? Troubled travels?” he asks as he begins pouring her cocktail. 

“Something like that.” She takes a cigarette from the carton nestled in her jacket and lights it effortlessly. 

“And you’re still inhaling an early demise, I see,” he observes. 

“We’re all allowed our vices. Isn’t that what Hannah says?” 

He nods. “She sure does.” He slides the drink to her and leans back against the counter behind him, crossing his arms once again after slinging a tea-towel over his shoulder. “You look awfully knackered.” 

She looks back up from where she was staring into her glass, swirling the stir-sticks around the liquid. She hums in question before processing his observation. In response, she sighs and takes a sip of her drink. “Flying across the pond and driving a foreign country will do that to a lady.” 

“Hm. Hardly a lady you are,” he jokes, and it elicits only the slightest snicker from Jamie. Which leaves Owen visibly unconvinced of her being fine at all. “I know that look, Jamie Taylor.” 

“And what is that?” 

He mirrors her slouched posture and dramatizes a frown. “Sulkin’.” 

She looks away, a defense mechanism when someone surveys her too earnestly and accurately. Inhaling a deep drag of smoke, she contemplates whether or not opening about this would be civil given this is the first time she’s seen him in quite a while. 

She decides not to delve now, so she runs her gaze over the properties of the restaurant instead of responding to him. “You’ve done well for yourself, Owen,” she observes in an attempt to change the subject. 

“Thank you,” he smiles proudly. “It’s been work, but we’re pleased… There’s something in knowing you made a place people like to come back to.” 

She looks around again to survey the crowd. “I reckon you’ve outdone yourself in that category.” Facing him again, she smiles softly. “And you and Hannah are well?” 

“Us?” he asks. “Oh, we’re great. Wonderful actually… We have our routine. Tending to this, I tell my jokes, she laughs. Everyday.” He takes a sip from a glass of wine he has poured himself. “And my God I’ll do it ‘til the day I die because _nothing_ is better than that woman’s laugh.” 

Jamie’s growing grin falters slightly once he says those words. Then it’s followed by the ringing in her head, Dani’s laugh. Here it comes again, full-fledged and unruly. Dani. Everything Dani. She looks down at her drink again and musters a nod to hide the way these thoughts take over her completely. 

“Yeah,” she says, clearing her throat. “You’ve got a way with makin’ her happy, Owen.” 

He leans forward, closer to her and she can feel his concerned eyes upon her. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” he asks as Jamie looks back at him with a heavy gaze complete with depleting eyes and pools of disillusion. “There’s something goin’ on.” 

She tries shaking her head to deny any pity, but it’s interrupted when he’s snatching her drink out of her hand. He begins walking away, leaving Jamie there offended, drinkless, and confused, but he eases the tension by beckoning her with an elbow to follow. She groans, extinguishes her cigarette in the nearest ashtray, and jumps off the stool to follow in his escort. 

He leads her through the delicate chaos of the kitchen where he smiles, tastes, and greets his chefs, bussers, and servers. She smiles awkwardly at those who watch her, a stranger, walk through private territory until she is released from the margins of the restaurant’s congregation into the calm, brisk air in the alley behind his restaurant. 

Finally, he hands her the drink again as a reward for following him. They face away from each other, still and straight as they look out on the calm land backing his venture. 

“So,” he begins to ease in heavy conversation, looking over at Jamie. “You can talk to me, you know? It’s been a moment since we’ve seen one another, but I’m still your old mate, Jamie. One you always came to, yeah?” He gives her an encouraging smile and nudges her with an elbow. 

She huffs a gentle laugh and looks at her shoes, nervously kicking small pebbles around that litter the pavement. The right words are searched for in the confines of her racing mind. She hasn’t the slightest idea of how to talk to Owen. It’s been years — he’s right in that regard — so she’s forgotten how to confide at all. 

“I met someone,” she decides on and looks back up at Owen. The way his gaze softens makes her cringe, so she shifts her gaze and she shakes her head in denial. “It’s nothing, really. Was just… a fling.”

“Oh… well that’s somethin’… You meet her back home?” 

“On the way.” She takes a drink of her cocktail, pressing a tongue to the roof of her mouth and wincing lightly to ease the bitterness of the liquor.

“On the way here?” 

Jamie nods, looking coyly at her shoes again.

“Fleeting love, then?” 

“Not nearly love, Owen,” she affirms, a slight annoyance in her voice. 

“Oh, so she broke your heart?” he jokes with a nod. It’s habitual for him to quip her this way because they share a sibling-like bond. Often they joke with one another to lighten their moods, but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on Jamie this time. 

“Owen,” she grumbles with a warning glare to pair with it. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he chuckles. “It’s botherin’ you though… She cross you?”

She shakes her head. Parted lips croak out attempts to explain herself, but she can’t decide on any words that will maintain her stoic nature. She realizes nothing she says will do that. 

“It’s gonna sound irrational and soppy, especially coming from me, but-uh… she was special, Owen.” The words have a bite, and they leave her cringing with a scowl. “I had never had a connection like that with someone. And I feel so… _stupid_ because it was for six days. That’s it. But… I don’t know, Owen… she was something else entirely… and now she’s gone.” 

“Gone where?” 

“To Colorado. Dropped her off there because she didn’t want to come with me. Apparently, she had more important things to take care of,” she snides. She recoils at her sudden bitterness in regard to Dani, and she regrets it immediately. Although Dani didn’t hear it, she feels horrible for the subtle attack nonetheless. 

Owen senses her tension as apparent through the way he steps closer to her to offer a bit more comfort. 

“You didn’t leave her a number?” 

“No, I did.” 

“Well, then she’ll call.” 

“No, she won’t.” 

“Why wouldn’t she?” 

“Because what would she have to say? _Hi, Jamie. How’s it going over there without me_?” 

“Honestly?” He nods. “Probably.” 

“Owen, you’re no help.” 

“I’m no help because you’re stubborn.” 

She rolls her eyes and leaves him without a response. He’s right, but she could never admit that.

“Look, Jamie. You need to give her time. From what you’ve said she has things to tend to.” 

“Could have done them here,” she mumbles. 

He grips her shoulder and gently urges her to face him. “No, no. Think about it.” He looks her in the eye, stern now. “What if it was reversed? What if she was the one asking you to drop everything and stay with her in Colorado… what would you do?” 

Jamie’s eyes drop in shame because she knows the answer immediately. She couldn’t fathom doing that for anyone. She spent years waiting for this chance, and she’d never let anyone get in the way of that. Once again, he’s right and rational; whereas, she lacks those attributes entirely. 

“You wouldn’t have. You know it too. Just like her, you have your things. Gravely important things.”

Jamie nods. 

“Looks like it may be a waiting game. Let things simmer a bit… Patience is a virtue, Jamie. You know who told me that one?” 

She mirrors his slight smirk, hers more mellow and uneven. “Me.” 

“Right.” 

They return to their silence where they scrutinize the dark landscape in front of them. “Have I ever told you how Hannah and I met?” 

Of course, he has. Many times, but Jamie will hear it anyway. Not because she would never refuse Owen the chance to gush about his perfect wife. No, she wants to because she knows there’s a much-needed lesson at the end of it, and no matter how obstinate she is, wisdom and reassurance are desperately needed. So, she shakes her head to urge another telling. 

“Was a couple of years before the three of us met in Bly. We were young. Met in the little café I worked at in London.” A blushed, adoring smile takes up his face. “Took us bloody forever to tell each other how we felt. Had about a week together before I had to leave for Paris.” He looks down at Jamie. “And a lot like you, I had to leave her behind. And I thought it was over… beat myself up over it because I thought I had lost the best person I’d ever known… But I realized something, Jamie… I realized she meant the world to me, and when someone means that much to you, you have to be brave… and patient.” He sighs and shrugs. “So, I called her and told her how I felt. Much to my surprise, she did too… and she waited for me to return. Have no clue why… but look where we are now. So, Jamie… Make the call, or wait for one. Trust your instinct. Because if she cares about you the same way I assume you care about her, then she’ll call.” 

She simpers and nods, hoping the wordless gestures are enough to express her gratitude. 

“Or you can stop feeling so sorry for yourself and call her,” he says. 

“Stupid bloke in Boulder ruined my chance of calling her,” she responds lowly. 

“Why?” he chuckles. 

“Spilt his beer all over the phone book page she gave me,” she grumbles.

He huffs and rolls his eyes, placing firm hands on his hips. “Dear God, Jamie,” he says, mildly annoyed. His tone molds into one that is playfully condescending, gesturing his hands about dramatically to get his point across: “You will never believe this but there are about a million phone books in Los Angeles alone, and… get this… they pay actual people, called operators, love, who will direct your calls wherever you want.” 

She shakes her head and laughs softly, pushing him lightly at his arm leaving him to sway a bit. “Missed you, Owen. Missed havin’ someone to knock some sense into me for a change.” 

“Well… good to hear I’m useful for somethin’.” 

Owen fishes through his back pocket and pulls out a ring of keys. He hands them to her. 

“Keys to the house. The silver one is to yours. Go get yourself some rest,” he smiles and pats her shoulder before turning to the restaurant. “I’m glad you’re here, Jamie. We missed you. You’ll do well here… I just know it.” 

Jamie returns a gracious smile and watches him go. 

She takes the truck up the narrow, winding canyon road. It’s dimly lit by sparse lamps and shadowed by hovering laurel and walnut trees. She remembers driving up this road fondly. It was the first time she had visited two years ago, ridden by taxi where she was captivated by the fame and fortune that resided in the expansive homes on either side of the boulevard. She is still enthralled by the idea of the eminent, eclectic social and artistic sphere that is built in this sweeping neighborhood, one that Owen and Hannah have been woven into seamlessly through their five years here. 

She pulls into a driveway that fronts a considerable cottage style home deep in Laurel Canyon, cream-colored with deep walnut shingles upon the roof. Huge windows eye her and the vibrantly colorful garden glows under the lamps outside of the home. She smiles proudly upon realizing that the plants she had labored to grow have been well-kempt since she left. 

The guest home is a safe den, one they had told her was hers to settle into whenever she decided to finally join them in Los Angeles. It’s humble in size, merely a studio with sand-colored walls and minimalist framed paintings and landscape photographs embellishing them. 

It’s just as she left it two years prior. A bed with a pale green duvet. Potted plants are still strewn about, albeit dead now save for a few cacti and succulents that managed to hardly survive. There is a shelf with a few books scattered about. And, her favorite, a stereo system still resides in the corner of the room — a pair of speakers beside and a turntable atop a cedar credenza with a cabinet of organized vinyl she had bought to stay here. She crouches beside it and flips through them, smiling at the little gems she had left behind. Jefferson Airplane, Velvet Underground, The Doors, David Bowie, and The Kinks being the most notable. 

Turning to face the bed, she catches the sight of the yellow telephone atop the bedside table.

She inhales a breath of courage and sits on the bed, grabbing the handset to rest against her ear and turning the rotary dial once. Regardless of the spunk that had inhibited her, it falters quickly, and she halts before finishing her call to the operator. Instead, she hangs the phone on its base and falls onto her back against the mattress. 

Another night. Another time. 

And another day does pass in largo. She wakes after four hours of sleep then goes about her day — seeing the new storefront, meeting with vendors and a kind, old landlord until she is back beside the phone in the night, slouching as she holds the handset up to her ear. But she goes through the same sequence. Phone to the ear, anxious fingers about to dial, only to become overwhelmingly skittish and replace the phone. 

This course of action persists for another night, then another. All until three nights pass, no call to Dani, no call from Dani. Which is enough to spark that line of bravery to course through Jamie to motivate her to make the call tonight. 

She dials the operator and sits in the little window seat, pulling her knees up to her chest. A fresh cigarette is nestled between two fingers, a pair of eyes stare out into the rolling, canyon hills outside of the window. She’s so focused on the view she hardly hears the ringing from the phone until a voice takes her from her concentration. 

“Operator. How can I help you?” 

“Oh… yes, hello,” she says as she takes a quick drag of her cigarette to instill much-needed grit. “Um… Can you connect me to a Rebecca Jessel of Boulder, Colorado? It's from Jamie Taylor." 

“Connecting you now.” 

Jamie anxiously taps at her calf to the rhythm of the ringing. She pauses once she hears the slight click of the call being picked up, and she waits in anticipation for a promising voice to ring through. However, only the operator’s voice returns to inform her that the call was not accepted. Jamie grows confused, and through her request for an explanation, the operator tells her whoever answered would not receive the call. She could try later, the operator offered. 

Yes, Jamie could try again. Keep trying and trying. She scoffs at that prospect and leans her head against the wall, dropping the phone back on the base hanger. She can’t help but be overcome with confusion and deep chagrin. The only way she knows to subdue it is to take another deep inhale of her cigarette and try to be at least a bit rational. 

She’ll give Dani her time and space because there is this wretched feeling in Jamie’s core that is belittling her and telling her she is making a grave mistake by reaching out. So, she’ll wait. Wait as long as it takes she thinks, hoping with every cell within her that Dani will call. Hope that Dani may write to her. Hope maybe, just maybe, Dani will turn up here. 

Jamie is deeply certain that if Dani decides to contact her, even if it is years down the line, she’ll welcome her completely. She’ll contentedly wait. Because Dani, the woman she knew so briefly, is worth that gruesome patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this chapter is just straight-up evil because it is just Jamie and 100% angst… but the angst is my weakness… so I’m only slightly sorry about it hehe 😈. Also, Hannah and Owen are lovely little Laurel Canyon socialites in this because they totally would be if they lived in L.A., and I cannot be convinced otherwise. I mean Owen with his famous restaurant and Hannah being all charismatic and such. Both are charming. We love them. (Also because I am obsessed with Laurel Canyon so… yeah… hehe)
> 
> I promise all of this pain will be worth it. Stick with me here and get ready for Chapter 8 folks.
> 
> Anyway hope everyone has an excellent week and I hope you all enjoy this!! 
> 
> (Chapter title comes from So Far Away by Carole King. This is also the song that plays on the radio during that little moment with Jamie by the way.)


	8. so bitter and so sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani is miserable, but she finds new motivation within the sharp regard of Rebecca.
> 
> cw: abusive language.

Dani is no stranger to torment.

For as long as she remembers, evident misery has been present in her. It came when she was just a little girl with the death of her father and the selfish neglect of her mother that proceeded. And it remained all the way to watching Eddie mutate from the gentle boy she knew to the ill-tempered, controlling man he became. A man she promised loyalty to even when she knew she couldn’t love him. And it continues, even now after she has left him because she is struck with unwarranted loneliness.

For twenty-six years, nearly all Dani has known is torment and misery.

And she wishes she could say it follows her around, but in all honesty, it has her on its lead. Controls her and drags her through her years where all she can do is plaster on that artificially resolute smile and will herself to shine as bright as she can on the outside, doing what others expect of her and giving everything she has to offer to those she cares for. All the while, the torment still eats her away.

However, nothing… absolutely nothing could have prepared her for how exhausting and horrific this week has been. She is certain the affliction, the misery, the remorse, everything really, is going to feed on her until there is nothing left. It will feast on her being, taking every morsel of her without sanction or acknowledgment until she remains barren.

The torment pecked at her when Jamie left. She was able to subdue it to nothing more than an annoying thing that would prick her and taunt her. But then it grew to bitter piercing when she phoned her mother. A woman who Dani knew would never shy away from ridiculing, but the rebuking Dani had to suffer through was enough to break her completely. Words filled with hatred and disappointment. Threats, ultimatums, and baseless claims ensued. _You humiliate me, Danielle. You emasculated Eddie, and if you don’t come home to fix this mess, he’ll come to get you himself._

_He’ll come to get you himself._

All of these words struck her bluntly with staggering force. And, after years of intricately crafting a barrier where she could keep all of these berating feelings hidden and at bay, it shattered completely. Suddenly, she was feeling everything potently.

Her emotions drilled holes in her and agonizing guilt dove into the pockets that were forced into her. It was so nauseating and debilitating that all she could do was lay motionless and stunned in the confines of her swarming emotions.

That fatigued Dani remained that way for days, absent of any motivation to do much except for what she could do within the boundaries of the bed. Most of the time she just sat in her thoughts, thinking and predicting what will come of her next.

Overtaking her still, are these clamoring thoughts, deep into the Tuesday evening. Her window is open, allowing the sounds of the night and the soft breeze of the summer air to drift in. She sits on the bed, knees firmly pressed to her chest, eyes staring blankly at a bare wall and her thumbnail nibbled gently in contemplation.

Every time she falls too deep in these thoughts, she looks at the phone. She knows exactly who she wants to call. Through the self-doubt and loneliness that steadily hammers away at her, she yearns for the one thing that kept her steady and unafraid.

Jamie.

She longs for that face. Those ambered jade eyes that glisten whenever they met hers. Wishes to share that gaze that was filled with a flurry of affection and assurance. Eyes that could read anything and express everything. The ones she would stare into for hours if she could.

And those lips. The rosy, soft lips that would kiss her so gently. So tenderly they would kiss her forehead, kiss her brows, kiss her cheekbones, kiss her neck. Best of all, they’d kiss her own lips. Somehow they would feed Dani the sanguinity and vitality she so desperately needed. And she tasted so sweet, so wonderful, and inebriating that Dani wishes more than anything to be tasting her now. Tasting and drinking her up, savoring the fine luxury of her. Like a fine wine perhaps. One that is to be cherished and enjoyed with care.

She wishes for Jamie to be laying across from her only inches away, gazing at her and using those keen fingers to tuck her hair behind her ear and caress a soft trail down her face before lingering against her cheek. A sweet, tranquil transfer of her warmth and solace.

Most of all, she longs for that voice that would reassure her as she held her close; Dani’s head nestled into her chest. That voice, deep and graveled in a whisper filled with alleviating affirmations because Jamie always knows. Jamie is filled with unsurmountable wisdom and rationality, a halcyon to calm Dani’s storm. With Jamie, Dani could finally temper as she coaxed her gently back to an unfamiliar, yet longed for, place of groundedness.

Through her ache, she continues to stare at the phone. The little piece of paper Jamie scribbled on lays beside it. She grabs it and looks it over, studying her rushed penmanship and the numbers and letters that are written on it. Dani would be lying if she said she hadn’t managed to memorize every word on it because she tends to find herself in this same situation constantly. Grabbing the paper, analyzing it, and deciding if she should call.

She could call; she knows she could right now. There is nothing tangible that is preventing her from doing so. No statute or partition that would bar her from it. She could dial her and hear that voice seep through the phone — succulent and soothing as it opens and releases every bit of tension that has Dani utterly bound up and locked.

But every time she reaches out for that phone, there is a repulsive force that prevents her from ever going through with it. It is partnered with the notion that Jamie most likely doesn’t want to hear from her.

She has felt this way since they parted ways, even after Rebecca subtly urged her to just go to Los Angeles. She can’t bring herself to even fathom going to Los Angeles because she has this wretched inkling that Jamie despises her. That Jamie, through her rejection, wishes never to hear from Dani because she didn’t give her what she wanted. Jamie wanted her to go with her, and Dani knows she could have. Knows that she’d much rather be with Jamie right now than drowning in her fraught responsibility. But she ruined that possibility in the last night she shared with Jamie, holding her through her disappointment and tears.

From that moment, she imagines Jamie decided never to dwell on her again. She imagines Jamie in Los Angeles, grinning and laughing as if Dani was nothing more than a fleeting memory. From Jamie, Dani was tossed into the wind, flailing and falling until the recollection of her is nothing more than the bitterness that coincides with it.

If only Dani said yes and went with her, this merciless torment would cease to wrack her.

A single tear drops onto the paper, and the weight of it startles Dani as she hadn’t realized she began crying. Sure enough, tears are streaming. Tears that express how much she wants Jamie. Needs even. God, she needs her and she is unsure if she should feel ashamed of that. She decides she ought to.

Replacing the piece of paper onto the nightstand, she rises to close the window. She decides she should try to get some sleep for the night.

Before she can crawl into bed, the ringing of the phone fills the room. She immediately lunges to answer it, but when she is just a few inches from the handset, it stops ringing. It’s been picked up elsewhere.

She sighs and waits. Hopes that maybe Rebecca will call her down and hand the phone to her. But nothing comes. Instead, she hears the bellowing yell of, “Rebecca!” come from Peter downstairs a few minutes later.

Steadily, Dani hears a heated argument erupt between them. It’s mostly Peter’s voice, irate and blaring, but Dani can’t decipher anything he is saying because his rage has muddied up his already thick accent.

The same goes for Rebecca. Whatever does come is either too small to be heard through the muffle accumulated through the distance between them and Dani, or it is smudged through her lamenting. Along with their thundering argument, there are sounds of stomping and banging, leaving Dani nearly trembling with worry.

Dani inches closer to the door, but she freezes there. Uncertainty seizes her motionless. She’s too unsure if she should intervene, unsure if she has the validity to even attempt to push some sense into Peter — a man who surely needs it within his pompous, vain nature that is so often overtaken by irrational vexation. Anger that is too often pelted onto Rebecca.

She douses herself in enough courage to instigate intervention, but before she can she is stopped by the sound of the front door slamming and light scurrying embarking the stairs towards her. She swings the door open and sees Rebecca hurrying towards her in her nightgown. Her face glistens with tears beneath the blanket of moonlight peeking through the corridor of windows.

Dani reaches her hand out, beckoning her over avidly. “Come here,” she whispers. “Come here, Rebecca.”

Rebecca takes her hand and allows Dani to pull her into the sanctuary of her bedroom, which Dani immediately locks once they are inside. Her ragged breathing and soft whimpers jolt Dani to attention, and she reaches to turn her bedside lamp on in order to tend to Rebecca.

The yellow glow perfectly illuminates the gut-wrenching image of Rebecca before her, standing confused and helpless. Among the many tears that are falling, a vexed blaze manages to reside in her eyes.

“Jesus Christ, Becs,” Dani cries as she reaches trepid hands out to console her.

Rebecca shakes her head to refuse her attempting hands and points at the bed. “Sit,” she mutters.

Dani, through her shock, obliges. Her deeply concerned eyes never leave Rebecca who is standing across from her still looking disoriented.

“What happened, Rebecca?” Dani asks, her own emotions beginning to take over through a wavering voice. She’s never dealt with other people’s pain well enough to sustain composure for them. She’ll remain there to comfort them diligently, but not without shedding a tear along with them.

Rebecca trudges over and sits next to her. Her lip quivers as she leans her forehead into Dani’s shoulder for comfort and composition. A contradicting breathy chuckle leaves Rebecca, head shaking dubiously against Dani.

Dani lifts her head with a finger under her chin, so she can survey her for any obvious physical harm. “Did he hurt you?” Dani asks sternly. To which Rebecca shakes her head. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Rebecca says.

Dani releases a pitying sigh that is soon followed by a quirk of her brow once a little smirk rises on Rebecca’s face as she wipes away her tears.

One thing Dani has had to grow accustomed to is the way Rebecca deals with her emotions. The worst of it is brief before it dissolves into an odd realm of positivity. There is an ever-present optimism in Rebecca that Dani can hardly understand.

“Peter answered a collect call for me from California. From a man… supposedly.” Her eyes drift back to her lap, evidently uneasy about talking about Peter. “He jumped to conclusions, though. Got angry and jealous that there was supposedly a man calling for me.” She quickly reverts her gaze to Dani again, a crooked simper growing on her face. “But you won’t believe it, Dani.”

“Christ, Rebecca,” Dani says, entirely ignoring the tinge of wonder in Rebecca’s voice. She can’t find it in herself to think about anything but her friend’s wellbeing right now. “All over a damn phone call?”

“Dani,” she hisses to try and avert the concern away from her. “Listen to me.”

Dani tries to settle down as much as possible, but with her pinched expression and bottom lip between her teeth, it is clear she is still worried.

“It wasn’t a man, Dani… I can see why Peter would think that… because it was Jamie.”

“What?” Dani asks, brows furrowing as she cranes her neck back to process this information. Instinctively, she thinks Rebecca is either crazy or teasing. Dani doesn’t find this kind of toying amusing at all.

“The call. The operator said it was from Jamie.”

Dani points hesitantly at herself and stutters, “M-my Jamie?”

“Your Jamie. Jamie Taylor.”

Dani looks down at her lap, too stunned to respond. Processing anything else around her except for the thumping within her ribs and the fact that Jamie, her Jamie, called her seems improbable until she feels firm hands grip her shoulders, urging her turn.

“Look at me, Dani.”

The touch and the somber voice jerk her back, and she shifts to face Rebecca completely.

“Will you listen to me?”

Rebecca’s change in attitude, now serious and slightly panicked, is further confusing Dani, but she gives Rebecca her full attention nonetheless.

“I need you to do something for me. Okay?”

Dani nods.

“I need you to stop doing things that you think people want you to do. Do you hear me, Dani?” Rebecca says, striking emphasis apparent in her words to drill the idea into Dani.

Her request is seemingly random, and Dani is caught off-guard by it. But Rebecca is right. After persistently doing what people expected of her for so long, Dani hardly let the idea of her own desires get in the way. Even though she understands this to be true, Dani wishes to deny it, play it down as if it isn’t a big deal. She prepares to defend herself.

Rebecca doesn’t let her.

“It’s you calling your mother, you know you don’t owe that woman a thing… and it’s all this talk about going back to Ohio… back to Eddie. It’s even you being here right now, Dani. You’re miserable and it’s not what you want.” Rebecca scoffs. “I mean look at where that kind of nonsense took me. I did what people wanted me to do, and I ended up with a man that I loathe. Don’t do that to yourself…”

“Wh-Wha-?”

Rebecca squeezes her shoulders. “Go to her, Dani. Go to L.A…”

Dani blinks, utterly stunned that Rebecca is telling her to do this. Having Rebecca before her offering words of encouragement through her own pain is enough to send Dani nearly into a fit of tears. She drops her gaze into her lap, eyes welling as she tries to fight them as much as possible. She inhales a ragged breath that gives her away completely.

“No, no. Dani,” Rebecca says. “Look at me, love. I’m serious.”

Dani follows what is requested of her and looks deep into soppy brown eyes that hold so much sincerity and regard. Dani darts her vision back and forth between each of her eyes trying to find something to respond to her with.

“What the hell do you have to lose, Dani?” Rebecca asks.

Nothing, Dani realizes. She knows there are more consequences that come with letting herself disintegrate in a life of dismality than if she were to just go to Los Angeles. However, that is where all things are lost if the end result goes awry. There is a potential that if she goes to Jamie, she’ll only be turned away, and there is a chance that if Dani leaves the mess she made back home for too long it could come back to hurt her horribly.

But she decides to take the risk, damn the consequences, and go. And along the way, she will hope it works in her favor.

“What about you?” Dani finally asks her after her bout of internal deliberation.

Rebecca huffs a laugh. “I’m getting the hell out of here.”

Dani manages a small smile in relief.

“You’re brave for what you did back in Ohio, Dani. Quite frankly, I admire you for it, and it’s made me realize… it’s made me realize I don’t need Peter… nor do I want him either,” Rebecca says earnestly. “We’re tough… tougher than we think, and we have no place for these foolish men, do we?” she says lightheartedly, a promising grin on her face.

Dani laughs wholeheartedly and nods, wiping at her eyes and sniffling. “We certainly do not.”

“We’ll pack up and leave in the morning. How does that sound?” Rebecca offers.

“Good.”

They share hopeful, confident grins before Rebecca’s falters. “I’m staying in here with you tonight.”

Dani laughs and pats Rebecca’s knee. “Obviously.”

The next morning travels languidly in nothing but a haze. Dani at the center of it, pulled along with trepidation and restlessness. She packs up her sparse belongings, takes one last look at herself in the mirror of her room. She observes herself in her borrowed flowing, sundress. An outfit that opposes the restless and anxious expression on her face. With one last stabilizing breath, she leaves.

She and Rebecca travel the hour to the airport where Rebecca leaves her. Their bids of farewell and the grandest of luck are shared and taken with gratitude. Promises to call each other are ingrained and held.

Dani remains in the company of airports for the rest of the day. Waiting and lingering for a flight that could quite possibly be the worst mistake of her life… and the most expensive mistake of her life. She sits in the terminal, trying to keep her focus on a magazine in her lap, but her nerves are enough to keep her pulled rigid and worrisome.

And the hours travel torturously slow, enough to instill a deep headache and stinging eyes in Dani through her boredom and anticipation. She stares at the clock, willing it to move faster.

By the time the evening has canopied over and the night is indigo and lit with scattered stars, Dani is taking flight. The first time flying in her life, and the first time she has ever felt such a turbulent feeling of fear and invigoration in her life too.

In the cab, Dani sits in the back silently, toe-tapping anxiously against the floorboard and a pacifying fingernail between her lips she is nibbling at to ease her nerves. She looks around at the scantly lit winding road they are navigating, and its length is such a mystery that Dani is left dazed by the unexpected, and unawareness of when they’ll arrive. She is conflicted in wishing they turn up right this moment, so she can see Jamie, and wishing this road last another few hours because of her fear of spurn.

She tries to envision what Jamie might do when she sees her. Will she scowl and turn her way, snubbing her in her petulance? Or will she envelop her in a strong embrace and kiss her, enraptured and thankful for her sudden presence? Dani is unsure due to her usually reliable intuition being much too convoluted to help her figure out what is to come. She is certain, however, that she wants the latter more than anything.

The driver pulls up alongside an eclectic, old home. Dani, in awe of it, steps out of the cab. She thanks the driver and shuts the door behind her. She watches the cab leave along with any chance of her changing her mind. This is it, no turning back now.

She gulps and approaches the front door. She goes to knock, but her fist stops in motion when she hears muffled music coming from across the yard. She is greeted by a little guest-home that resides across the lawn behind the house, only half of it in view from her angle. It could be regarded as nothing more than a glorified shed, but it is far more pristine than that in its intricate architecture the resembles the main home’s.

An inkling that Jamie is there has Dani urged to walk there instead. She follows the sound in hopes she’ll be reuniting with her soon, silent prayers flow within her. She hopes whoever is listening will grant them.

As she turns the corner to face the entire den, she halts. It is entirely involuntary given she wishes to keep going, but her body locks leaving her just standing there. It is because the view before her is enough to incapacitate her. It is so stunning that her breathing quickens in pace and her body is like a hollow chamber that only disperses the loud reverberations of her heartbeat, leaving her stiff and flaming.

Right there, Jamie sits on the sill seat with the window wide open, releasing the pleasant sounds of folk music from within — a very different side of music than Dani would ever have expected from Jamie.

Her legs are sprawled and crossed in front of her. A paperback is nestled and folded in her hand. The other hand holds a cigarette from which torpid waves of smoke rise into the air. She seems so peaceful and nonchalant. So comfortable that it seems this very stance and practice is one she partakes in every night.

Dani is still quite a bit away, but she can perfectly see just how beautiful she is. Dani curses herself for nearly forgetting just how beautiful she is too. She swears that this is like seeing her for the first time again. Dani finds it funny how a person can seem so familiar, but the memory of them becomes tangled and smudged after just days apart.

Jamie looks a bit different, Dani concludes. This is an odd conclusion because several days are the only things that separated them, but, tonight, she seems more somber and placid. Much more vulnerable and disarmed. Her hair no longer frames and shadows her face as it did with all of those layers shagging and waving about with fringe that nearly covered her eyes at all times. Instead, it’s half pinned up, her fringe splayed in curtains; loose waves fall perfectly down her neck and just past her shoulders. The style leaves a lot of rare territory of Jamie’s neck and shoulders exposed which is a welcome sight for Dani.

Her toned arms are displayed perfectly through her thin-strapped tank-top that clings to her torso, black Dani thinks it is, but it is so dark she can’t really tell. A pair of light-wash, denim shorts leave the route of her legs bare for Dani to take them in completely. Captivating and alluring she is even through her casual stature and focus.

If there is one thing that is certain, Dani wants nothing more than to run to her, gather her in her arms in a blissful reunion. It is so close that Dani can almost taste it. With one more will of courage, she pushes herself forward.

Dani approaches forbearingly, a little voice in her head telling her she should just turn around. That turning up here unannounced was wrong, that she won’t get what she wants. She almost gives in, as apparent in her stopping, but she ignores it from then on. She reasons she has nothing left to lose, and she’ll take this chance. Jamie is worth every bit of this chance.

Given it is immensely dark and the moon is about all the immediate light Dani has, she can hardly see where she is going. So, with her next step, her boot falls onto a few branches in the grass, and it announces her presence with a few low cracks and creaks. Jamie whips her head up and looks up at her with wide, startled eyes with a body that is about to charge an intruder. Then, in a matter of silent seconds, her face alters from alarm to confusion to shock then disbelief through squinting eyes and her subtly shaking head.

“Dani?” she calls, breathy and hoarse.

“Hi,” Dani musters out, meek and hardly audible as she puts down her bag to prepare herself entirely for however this about to go down.

Dani watches Jamie’s shoulders rise and fall in deep breaths as she gapes at her for a few moments. Dani is certain she sees the exact moment it clicks in Jamie that she isn’t some cruel figment of her imagination. Dani is really there standing before her.

Abruptly, Jamie tosses her book aside and flicks her cigarette heedlessly and blindly into the night. She pushes the window open farther and gracelessly scrambles until she is stumbling out of it, nearly falling due to her hankering.

Much to Dani’s surprise, within seconds the distance between them ceases to exist, and Jamie collects her in her arms. Silence transforms into giddy and stunned laughter erupting into the air as she lifts Dani off her feet through her excitement.

Her reaction alleviates Dani until she is dissolving into tears that are paired with a grin and soft laughter. She folds her arms around Jamie’s neck, wrapping her legs around her torso. She clings to her, wishing to never let go.

“What are you doin’ here?” Jamie asks tearfully; her smile is vivid in her voice.

Dani doesn’t respond, barely hears her at all actually because her mind is set on doing what she has longed to do for the last several days. She pulls back and gazes down at Jamie. She takes a second to look in those eyes, those enthralling pools of wonder that are welling with blown pupils. Her fingers come down to caress Jamie’s cheek to touch her again. To feel the warmth and familiarity of soft skin under her fingertips. Her thumb brushes against Jamie’s parted lips, and she looks back into Jamie’s eyes, silently asking for permission. Which she receives through Jamie’s anticipatory, subtle tilt of her head and a gentle twitch of a nod.

Dani’s hands latch on either side of Jamie’s face and she leans down, kissing her deeply. The most gratifying feeling engulfs her with Jamie against her, tasting like the idyllic scene of returning home after a lifetime away. Like the most vibrant melon and smooth menthol; a taste so bitter and so sweet.

Within the bounds of her kiss, Dani feels everything that shattered within her build up again. Jamie’s ardor and regard flow through her until she feels there is a shield around them. As if within this connection, they are complete and invincible.

The unfortunate necessity of having to breathe has Jamie peeling back. Slowly, her eyes open to stare up at Dani, holding her up so effortlessly with impressive strength. Their gaze is shared in silence save for their continued attempts to catch their breath.

Dani finally answers her question, “I needed you,” she croaks and exhales shakily. She swallows. “I want to be with you… if you’ll have me.”

Jamie looks alarmed by the request in such a way that Dani begins to panic in fear of rejection. Dani is suddenly being gently put back onto the ground, but Jamie’s eyes never leave hers.  
“Really?”

Dani nods and looks away, face flushing and body feeling uncomfortably warm. “I mean… I don’t…. You don’t have to -”

Jamie grips her arms and kisses her forehead. She cranes back to eye Dani again with a sweet, crooked smile on her lips. Dani sees an apparent tension on her face in an effort to strain back her tears. “I want that more than anything, Dani.”

“You do?” Dani gasps.

“Yeah,” Jamie beams in a whisper. Her breath hitches as a single tear runs down her cheek. Dani is able to catch it with a thumb and brush it away before she is pulled back in for another embrace, Jamie holding her tight and swaying steadily. “Oh, Dani,” she breathes before it lowers into a barely audible sigh, “Dani, Dani, Dani.”

Dani smiles wide in her grasp, holding around her waist tightly. “I missed you so much.”

“Dani, you have no idea,” Jamie says. She pulls back and marvels at Dani as if she is the most sublime being, in total awe of her existence. Her glistening, tearful eyes observe her, looking her over attentively. “Look at you… so beautiful.” She looks behind herself at her little home, gesturing her head in its direction. “Come on.”

She grabs a blushing Dani by the hand, swiftly pulling her into the little studio and stopping just beyond the entrance.

“It’s not much, but it’ll have to do.” She reaches to fiddle with a leaf of a plant beside the door. “Kept myself busy the last couple of days trying to get it back together.”

“It’s…perfect. So perfect, ” Dani says as she wanders about to survey her surroundings.

Dani has never felt so captivated by a space in her life. For the days she knew Jamie, she only saw her expressed through whatever she wore or kept in her truck, but this… This little abode of hers is exactly what Dani would expect of Jamie. She’s present everywhere, written so perfectly within every attribute and embellishment that glows under the golden light fixtures. Every plant that is present in the room — succulents, flowers, pothos, peace lilies to name a few — read of Jamie’s care and skill. Some are hung from the ceiling, some rest on shelves. Her books line the shelves, some litter the desk and dresser. They remind Dani of Jamie’s humble intelligence, her level-headed wisdom she wishes she’d spout more often.

The turntable still plays music from the corner of the room, an album Dani is fond of and hadn’t realized Jamie secretly adored. She wouldn’t have expected it from Jamie after their time spent together was filled with harsh rock music, but Jamie seems to surprise her constantly with the little bits of softness that emerge from her in Dani’s company.

“ _Blue_ , huh?” Dani remarks playfully as she picks up the album cover that was resting on the speaker. It is deep blue with the shadowed portrait of a woman.

Jamie hushes her with a smirk. “Don’t tell anyone,” she jokes as she makes her way over to Dani. They lean into one another for a moment, Jamie’s hand rising to rub circles on Dani’s back and Dani tinkering with the things atop the credenza in front of them. Jamie presses a gentle kiss to her temple. “I’m so glad you’re here, Dani.”

Dani nods and looks over at her. “Me too…” Her gaze drops to the floor and she steps back a bit. She sighs and clenches her fists before admitting, “I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?”

Dani keeps her head bowed and answers timidly, “For not coming with you. I should’ve… I wanted to… and I was so afraid you were upset with me.”

With sympathy, Jamie clicks her tongue to her teeth and lifts Dani’s chin, smiling at her reassuringly. “I’m not upset with you, wasn’t then, and I’m certainly not now… I understood… But you’re here now. That’s all that matters to me, love.”

Dani nods and leans in to kiss Jamie after feeling the craving urge to feel her lips again. She’s got a bit of lost time to catch up on. Days of kisses and touch she was deprived of that she must fill in diligently now.

She pulls back and holds Jamie’s face in her gentle grasp. Seeing her before her sends her breaking within overwhelming relief.

 _“Jamie”_ she says, voice wavering as she falls back into a fit of benign weeping. The high of their reunion is fading a bit now as she is jolted back to her perpetual state of inundating emotions. With the surge comes this long-awaited feeling of release. It’s paired with an intense feeling of safety and adoration that she hardly knows what to do with because it is so foreign. She’s never felt it before, so preventing it from seeping out seems nearly impossible. It comes barreling out of her like crashing waves until she is falling back into Jamie’s protective embrace. Jamie is there with her strength and care to catch her and hold her close.

Jamie holds her for a bit before leading her to the bed to lay her down. Jamie immediately drops next to her, laying on her side to face her. There are just a few inches between them. So close that Dani can feel the tingling and lulling nature of Jamie’s deep, worried gaze. Her soft fingers carefully stroke Dani’s face, tucking loose strands behind her ear. Her fingertip traces the shell of her ear and down the route of her jaw, up her cheek, across her forehead, and down the curve of her nose, drawing over her cupid’s bow until she has returned to her chin.

The ponderous and clement trail of her fingers leaves Dani riddled with goosebumps and a body that seems to be dissolving into a state of nirvana. Not a single worry, not a single notion of fear loiters. All that roams her is the sincere thought of Jamie and what time they will share. Peace is what she thinks this is, but she hardly knows a feeling akin to it to be certain.

“It’s okay,” Jamie whispers affirmingly, pressing a small kiss on her forehead to pacify her crying further, which is really no more than remnants of streaming teardrops and sniffling. “I’ve got you, my love. You’re alright.”

Dani nods and leans forward to rest her head against Jamie’s chest, listening to the steady thrum of her heart. Her arm wraps around Jamie’s middle, her hand creeping under Jamie’s top to stroke at the smooth skin of her back.

“You’re gonna love it here, Dani,” Jamie says, breaking the silence. Her nails comb through Dani’s hair, soothingly scratching at her scalp. The tenderest kiss lingers on her head. “You’ll love it.”

Dani sighs and nuzzles even closer into Jamie. Spent and delirious, she mumbles, “Anywhere with you, Jamie, I’ll love.”

She hears a huffed laugh from Jamie. She can imagine the bashful smirk on her face with blushing cheeks that she tries to hide in the shield of Dani’s hair. The thought alone has Dani growing even fonder of Jamie.

Dani’s eyes grow heavier, so she allows them to flutter shut while she is in the safeguard hold of Jamie. She leaves a kiss against Jamie’s exposed collarbone, tightening her grip around Jamie too.

Before she lets herself sleep, she takes a moment to sincerely contemplate this turn of events. She can hardly comprehend this is real. After being away for days, dithering and desolate, she is really here with Jamie again. She lays here in the security and care of a woman she never expected to see again, let alone be with at all.

For the first time in her life, she swears she isn’t scared of what is to come. She finds herself anticipating waking in the morning and seeing this woman across from her, smiling at her through her drowsy squint, kissing her, and pulling her through the wonders of her day.

For the first time, Dani holds no fear for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY! V exciting day.
> 
> Anywho, THEY’RE BACK! Finally. They spent a whopping one and a half (two?) chapters apart 😌. Too long I’d say. Hope everyone liked this lil reunion. Wanted it to be semi rom-com-like because we love drama :). 
> 
> I will say this one was (excuse my French) fucking hard to write. Not just because there are so many emotions happening in this chapter, but like… this week has been draining... to say the least...and it is only Wednesday??? Anyway, I had to complain because I just need to put it out into the universe, ya feel? 
> 
> Anyway, I hope everyone liked this. We’ve got two more chapters left!! 
> 
> Have a good one! 💕
> 
> (Chapter title comes from A Case of You by Joni Mitchell aka the love of my life. We love Joni in this house!!)


	9. people look well in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a weak and uneasy mind, and coming to people’s parties fumbling, deaf, dumb, and blind. Parties are an awful thing... for Dani Clayton. 
> 
> cw: mild language pertaining to predatory folks and marijuana

With two cups of piping-hot tea in hand, Jamie nudges the door to the guest home open with her foot. She emerges through and gently pushes it closed with her elbow.

On her way to the bed, she halts when she is faced with the view of Dani sleeping on her side, nestled under a wrinkled, sage green duvet that’s pulled up to her nose. Peeking through is only a halo of blonde hair and eyelids twitching lightly as they would if buried deep in a dream. 

Jamie pads over to her, putting both cups on the side table and sitting on the bed. She carefully pulls the duvet down to reveal the rest of Dani’s face; a peaceful expression with parted lips. Jamie brushes away hair that’s covering Dani’s temple before leaning down to kiss it. The tickling touch has Dani crinkling up her face and groaning lightly; she shifts and nuzzles her face farther into the pillow. 

“Dani,” she whispers, still a bit hoarse with residual fatigue. 

The sound of her voice has those translucent, blue eyes fluttering open, looking up at her with a few grounding blinks. A smile grows on her lips, and she elongates into a stretch. 

“Morning,” Dani sighs. 

“Brought you some tea.” 

Dani looks over at the bedside table and sits up, perching herself against the headboard and reaching out for the cup. She takes it between two hands and gifts Jamie a gracious smirk. 

She is a stunning sight. Cheeks rosy, eyes crystalline. She wakes as if she hadn’t spent the whole night puffy-eyed and weeping. It has Jamie questioning her own coherence, wondering if she had fallen unconscious for a few hours while Dani scurried around to prepare herself for the day in order to look this perfect. 

“Thank you,” she says, a trepid tinge in her voice. 

Jamie learns that in the morning, Dani is her most limpid. Easiest to read as she hasn’t replaced her guard yet. She appears meek, even after finding sanctuary and acceptance with Jamie. In her remains concentrated worry and hesitance within her. 

Jamie, wanting to placate the obvious agonizing still in her, leans forward to press a soft kiss to her lips. It’s chaste but mutually enjoyed as apparent by their giggling in concert. 

Jamie rises, takes her tea, and makes her way to the window seat, a yard or so away from Dani. A distance made in preparation for addressing Dani’s arrival. 

Jamie leans against the wall and brings her knees up to her chest. She takes an initiating sip of tea before staring into the creamed beverage for a brief second. A subtle reflection of hers oscillates within it, and she uses it as a means to give her the will to speak, like seeing her eyes staring back at her instills enough grit. She sets it aside then rests her elbows on either knee and folds her hands against her chin. 

She inhales and looks at the blonde woman across from her, whose focus is already encapsulated by her surroundings. Eyes that roam around each and every aspect of the interior. Most of them she had already seen the night before. Now that they are all shimmering under the radiant, white sun rays dispersing the room, it appears as if it is an entirely new sight to her. 

Clearing her throat gains Dani’s attention abruptly, maybe even too abruptly. Jamie is silent for a moment before beginning with: “I- uh… I think we should talk.” Her forefinger itches under her ear as she searches for the right words. “About this… not that it’s a bad thing, but I think I should know why…” 

“I came?” 

“Yeah.”

Dani visibly swallows, looks around herself in search of a new position that would have her full-frontal and candid to Jamie. She scooches slightly and places her tea back on the bedside table. She faces her with a demeanor that offers honesty. 

She folds her hands in her lap and looks up at Jamie. A simple shrug and casual frown follow. “Missed you.” She nods to assure Jamie that she is genuine, not lying about this in the slightest. She must have recognized the way Jamie looked at her incredulously. A look that reads, _That’s it?_ “Really, Jamie. I did. A lot.” 

Jamie sees through this facade of nonchalance and tranquillity. It’s an attempt to save face. An attempt to not look so needy and vulnerable. Maybe it comes with turning up at her lover’s home unannounced after standing ground in the decision to stay away. Or maybe it comes with Dani never having the chance to want, and now when handed the opportunity she cowers in its sinful scorn. 

A faint _tsk_ rings and Dani’s head tilts to the side in what evidently reads of chagrin. 

“I know that I should have told you I was coming… Turning up here out of nowhere was uncalled for.” Her voice drops to that of a nervous volume. “I was selfish in not wanting you to tell me not to come back—”

 _There it is,_ Jamie thinks. _There she is allowing herself to want. Be selfish, Dani. Be selfish._

“—I thought that if I saw you and you saw me.” Her eyes rise to Jamie’s slowly. “It would work… and that-” 

“And it did,” Jamie assures, but she says nothing more to indicate this further. If she were to imagine her own expression, it wouldn’t be the one that is presented to Dani. She thinks she looks tender and forgiving. In reality, she looks rather foreboding. Like someone who has been hurt before and doesn’t want to fall victim to it again. 

The faint uncertainty shared between them has a silence accumulating in the air. Dani stares at her, eyes slightly squinting with knit brows. It’s her contemplative look, the one that is much too obvious in its observation, but Dani stares. Has since the first day they met, and she did so countless times before they parted. 

It could be a daunting peer for the receiver, and it certainly was the first time Jamie was under it. It was like a laser piercing through her that somehow unleashed any secret Jamie had tucked away. But now, she has grown used to it. 

She enjoys simultaneously observing. Likes to take in the ways Dani attempts to gather everything she needs to know about her without any shared words.

It’s brief. The awkward aspect of it has it feeling like it’s gone on for hours, but it’s mere seconds. It ends with Dani blinking, looking away, and taking in a breath. 

Before she can speak, Jamie does, “Is this just holiday, or are you staying?” Her interruption is unintentional, but its abrupt honesty and tone, flat and solid, are enough to stun Dani. 

It’s a difficult question to ask, almost caught up on the hooks of her hesitance, but Jamie knows it has to be confronted. After being hurt, scorned, and betrayed many times before, there is a skittish skeptic within Jamie. One that can’t be too sure about anyone. Not even Dani, someone she truly cares about and believes could be worth every ounce of her effort.

In response to her forthright inquiry, she can see Dani thinking, foraging again for the correct response in green eyes. However, Jamie insists on candor, so she looks down to prevent it. She doesn’t want the hopefulness in her and the fear of being burned again to seep through for Dani to study in her favor to craft an answer. 

“I mean… I don’t want it to be temporary,” Dani finally says, hesitant and cautious. “But I understand… I _understand_ if that’s what it has to be.” 

Jamie lifts her gaze again immediately, shaking her head. “No, no. Not what I meant… I just need to know if…” Jamie realizes that she’s not helping ease any worries, so she goes with, “I don’t want that either… at all to be honest with you.” 

Dani nods, a relieved and lopsided simper rising to her lips. Her eyes dip down again. 

“You see, Jamie,” she says, timid eyes glued to the bed. “I knew… I made this massive mistake by pushing you away. And I regret it because I know…” Through lingering drowsiness, it’s evident Dani is finding it difficult to explain herself concisely and clearly. “Just believe me when I tell you I wanted- _want_ to be here. I missed _you._ I wanted _you._ ” 

Dani rises and walks over to Jamie. She hoists herself onto the window seat by her knees, kneeling between Jamie’s parted legs. There’s something oddly intimate about the position, which juxtaposes how emotional and serious this conversation is, but Jamie can’t help but briefly notice it. Notice the way Dani’s face is only inches from hers with her palms that are holding Jamie’s cheeks, gentle and earnest.

“ _You_ … make me happy, Jamie,” she admits, desperately genuine with a croak apparent somewhere far in her throat that could resemble tearful emotion, but she knows Dani is tired of falling apart. So, she swallows any chance of a storm. 

Jamie lifts her brows at the honest words. They are simple, five words that are displayed so plainly with their meaning etched so clearly, an obvious affirmation too. But somehow Jamie can’t believe it. She finds the phrase to be jarring in its unfamiliarity. Jamie wonders if she’s ever made anyone happy enough to tell her that. Most certainly not if this is how she is reacting. 

Ultimately, she feels like a fumbling idiot when she can’t formulate a response. Feels even worse when she sees the glowing hope in those deep eyes wane with each passing silent second. Each second without Jamie responding or reacting prominently positive. 

When Jamie feels Dani begin to lean back and disconnect, suddenly feeling the draft of chilled air flock her cheeks as Dani peels away — she catches her wrists in fear of losing the comforting contact. 

Jamie turns her face to place a kiss on Dani’s palm, then she shifts back to look at Dani. “I’m happy with you… Truly am. Missed you, Dani.” 

Jamie takes Dani’s hands off her face and smiles at her adoringly. Becoming infinitely lost in those bright eyes — delicate, relieved, and bewildering. Pooling with convolution. They hold so much yet Jamie knows so little. 

When feeling the fluttering in her stomach and the heat in her cheeks, just from the way Dani is tenderly gazing at her, she thinks she should feel bad for this. Jamie wonders if this is wrong, feeling so connected and committed to someone who she’s only known for days. She could count on both hands the days they’ve known each other, and already she feels comfortable. Like she could lay down everything for her. Open up completely and let Dani crawl in, know every bit of her, see every bit of her. 

But Jamie isn’t like that, isn’t supposed to be. Jamie isn’t easy, never has been. She has layers, heavy ones that take time to shed. But Dani. Dani manages to have Jamie emerging steadily but quicker than she ever knew possible for herself. 

Jamie thinks she should be afraid of it, and maybe she is. Maybe it scares her all the way to her core, right in her bones, deeply ingrained in her marrow where she knows it will stay. Because Jamie does not know loyalty. Jamie does not know of this look Dani is giving her. A smile with doe-eyes and pink cheeks filled with awe and affection. Jamie has never known this. 

“So.” Dani reaches up to fix the clip in Jamie’s hair which has lost control of a chunk of brunette locks. Deftly, she tucks it back into the clip for her while she speaks. “What’s in store for today?” she asks, focusing on fixing loose strands until Jamie’s hair is exactly as it was intended to be. 

“Perfect timing you had because it’s my day off,” Jamie says. 

Dani responds with a suggestive hum, leaning in to kiss her once. She lingers with lips brushing hers before pressing twice more. She’s soft, gentle, and sensual regardless of the kisses’ simplicity. When she pulls back, her expression is entirely roguish; a quirked brow and a crooked smirk. 

A lazy finger ghosts over the skin of Jamie’s chest. “We could make up for lost time,” she proposes slickly, a voice that exudes a confidence Jamie has never encountered from her. She’ll accept it though. Would be halfwitted not to. 

Jamie flushes. So much that she has to look away and bite her lip to fend off the sudden, new demure she is inhibiting. She’s never felt this way. Most likely because she’s never had to. Jamie took control because she was always put into that position. 

Always one to take attention off herself, Jamie decides to quip her. However, it proves to be difficult now that Dani is trailing warm kisses from her jaw downward, focusing on her pulse point. Post a hitched breath and shudder, she manages to deliver, “My tea’ll get cold.” 

“Oh, to hell with the tea,” Dani hisses before she sucks at the sensitive skin at Jamie’s throat, biting gently. She kisses to soothe any sting it caused, but all it elicits is a graveled groan from Jamie, muffled by pursed lips as she bows her head back until it bumps the wall. 

Hardly able to surpass a stutter, Jamie responds, “Quite rude, Dani. The tea has done nothing to you-” 

“That’s it,” Dani interrupts playfully before swallowing the rest of Jamie’s jesting in a passionate kiss to silence her. Open-mouthed and eager. 

Jamie manages to laugh until she feels Dani’s tongue wade within her mouth, and with a moan, she knows she’s done for. Malleable, she is in Dani’s hands. Melting and taking whatever shape Dani wants her to. Willingly, she lets Dani pull her by the straps of her tank top to the bed, never detaching from the kiss no matter how sloppy it becomes or how desperate they are for air as they move. 

One thing Jamie learns is Dani can summon anything with just enough attention and will. A quick study, she is. Jamie knows this when Dani is vigorously peeling the cloth from her limbs; is hovering over her with hungry and dark eyes; tracing slick, confident fingers down her body; leaving a sequence of hot, saturated kisses along every bit of her skin, bruising her here and there. Then, she’s touching her where she needs it most with such precision and capability that Jamie is nothing but a mess of whimpers and moans, tugging at sheets and a body of a woman who is gifting her potent ecstasy. A feeling she chases and chases until she is arching and crying out with a fierce pleasure that wracks her entire body, leaving her like putty in Dani’s arms. 

Oh, this is new. Very new. Heady and delicious, and Jamie would be damned to refuse this kind of euphoric intimacy in the hands of Dani. 

When she peels back, looks at blue eyes and raised brows that are silently begging, too selfless and kind to ask for a single thing, Jamie knows. 

She shifts, and with an impetuous turn, she has Dani on her back. Straddling her and pinning her arms above her head, she gazes down at Dani’s obvious silent adjure. And with the way those eyes ask tacitly for her to be taken —not just now, but in the constant swaddle of their harmony — Jamie knows immediately she would willingly go the rest of her days giving Dani anything; pleasure, care, laughter, joy. She will, and she promises herself that. Vows internally that as long as Dani will let her, Jamie will be there. 

•••

Dani emerges from the bathroom, hunched and trepid. Her hands wring before her in her condensed doubt. “I don’t know, Jamie.” 

Jamie looks over from her position on the bed, legs crossed and a book in her hands. Jamie goes wide-eyed at the sight before her, mouth suddenly feeling dry. It’s incredibly funny how Dani can make her react this way. Fourteen days she’s been here in L.A. and, daily, Jamie still can hardly believe she’s here. Dani appearing as she does now makes the shock even more inebriating. 

Dani stands there in a minidress, shorter than anything Jamie has seen her wear. It shows off nearly the entire expanse of her peach tinted thighs, soft and supple, looking like readily made canvases for Jamie’s lips. But that’ll have to be an activity for later. 

It’s plum and silk with a high neck and balloon sleeves, cinched perfectly at her waist with a refined torso and a flowing skirt. It’s nice, very nice, and Jamie hardly thought it would look this good when they picked it out earlier. 

Jamie bites her lip and rises, walking over to Dani to scan her. She nods, looking very pleased with the view. And she is pleased, beyond it if that is a possibility. 

“Oh, _I_ know,” Jamie insists as she straightens the long ornate gold necklace Dani has around her neck, sliding the oval, amber pendant until it is centered. “You look… beautiful.” 

Dani looks at her entirely unconvinced and pensive. Today she seems to be a bit off. Deeply worried and out of it. A newly set tension has a tight hold on her limbs, and Jamie has gone the entire day trying to get her to relax, but nothing seems to do the complete trick. How could it if Dani won’t talk to her either? 

“Really?” Dani asks, voice unsure as she looks down at herself, flattening out any wrinkles that were on the skirt. 

Jamie lifts her chin, looking at her with genuine eyes to assure her completely. “Positive.” 

Dani smiles, relief instantaneous and a bit of confidence established. Jamie takes it as a small victory. 

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Dani says as she runs her hands down the route of Jamie’s waist. 

“You think?” 

Jamie looks down at her high-waisted, corduroy, mocha flares up to the mustard button-up that is tucked into them, both tiers separated by a belt with a bold, golden buckle. 

“All but one thing,” Dani says as she reaches forward to undo three of the top buttons on her top. She lets it split open to reveal a fair amount of Jamie’s chest. She untangles the necklaces around her neck, making sure they’re placed correctly with a ghosting touch that induces a subtle shiver through Jamie. “Perfect,” she whispers. 

Jamie pulls her into the bathroom again to take a good look at them paired together in the mirror. She hooks an arm around Dani’s waist and reflects a smug smirk and an approving nod. 

Dani looks focused as she angles an arm around Jamie’s head, perfecting the feathering curtain she made of Jamie’s bangs. Once she is content with her work again, she shares Jamie’s smile. 

They look good. Really good. Glowing with grace and sumptuousness with the mild amount of makeup adorning their faces and the simultaneously sophisticated and blithe palette they are sporting. It’s an appearance that neither is too apt to given they’re both rather reserved in their casual natures. But for this evening’s occasion, they pushed that side of them away in favor of this new guise. It’s refreshing and liberating to the point both of them are marked with delighted smiles. 

“How much time do we have?” Dani asks. 

Jamie pulls back her cuff and looks at her watch. “An hour until I think we should make our appearances.” 

Dani chuckles with a raised brow. A look that already reads of mock reproach. “So we’re going to be intentionally late then?” 

“What they call fashionable, right?” 

“Jamie, we can’t be late to Hannah and Owen’s party.” 

“Why not?” Jamie scoffs in a laugh. 

“We have no excuse not to be there on time.” 

“We’ll say there was traffic.” 

Dani laughs, shaking her head at Jamie’s wisecrack. “Sure, they’ll buy that.” 

“I’m telling you, Dani, the traffic crossing the lawn.” She rolls her eyes with a dramatic sigh. “Hours at least. Worst in L.A.” 

Jamie watches from the mirror as Dani leaves a kiss on her cheek, one that leaves a little pink stamp of a pucker on her skin. “Fine. It’s not like I’m a party person anyway.” 

“Makes two of us, love.” 

Jamie watches Dani fuss more with her outfit, touching up makeup and flattening out parts of her dress. Jamie can see that anxious look on her, and she knows it’s because she doesn’t fare well with people. 

Jamie is used to these parties. She’s been to a few already, and she’s entirely ready for the large number of people who will be there, but she knows a gathering such as this with its grandeur and esteem is a sheer contrast to the life Dani lived before, one that was ridden with simplicity and mundane conditions. 

Turning Dani by her hips to face her, Jamie looks at her earnestly. “You look wonderful, Dani.” She leans in to kiss her in hopes she can relay her credence through just her touch and intention. 

When she peels back, she assumes it works with the color Dani has regained in her face. She’s painted with a reinstated poise and ease. 

“Could use a smoke… or a few,” Dani says. “Before we go.” 

“Say no more,” Jamie steps out of the way to usher Dani out the door. 

They stand behind their little place, hiding away from the guests who are beginning to filter into the home, gathering in large numbers. 

Dani turns every so often to look into the window that holds a perfect view of the opposite window of the studio which shows the house where she sees the people accumulating in abundance.  
  
She releases an audible exhale of smoke and crosses her arms as she hands Jamie the cigarette. “Can I ask you something stupid?”

“Doubt it will be stupid.” 

“No, it will be,” she laughs as she looks down, shivering slightly at the rather brisk July evening. It seems she has already grown accustomed to the California heat, so just the slightest chill is enough to affect her. “Will there be… are there…” she huffs at her nervous stumbling. “Will there be… uh… _big_ people?” 

Dani squeezes her eyes shut at her misspeaking and drops her face into her hand in embarrassment. 

Jamie laughs, and, though she knows what she means, she decides to toy with her anyway. “I assume they’ll all be normal-sized. Few giants could show up, however. Owen usually turns them away, though… given they don’t fit… in the house.” 

A humiliated moan that conveys her discontent with Jamie’s playing rings out as she bobs her head against Jamie’s shoulder. “You know what I mean. Famous people, Jamie. Will there be?” 

“Probably,” Jamie responds nonchalantly as she taps the ash off the end of the cigarette before bringing it back to her lips. 

Dani rises abruptly, and Jamie can feel her eyes piercing through her even through the darkness of the night. 

“You’re fucking around.” 

“Oh,” Jamie snickers, shaking her head. “Hardly words a fine lady should be using.” 

“Hush,” she says, hissing with a silencing finger when Jamie attempts to banter back. “Are you serious?” 

Jamie shrugs. “I mean it’s possible. Fairly exclusive neighborhood… Hannah and Owen know a lot of people. _A lot_ of people.” 

Dani shakes her head and takes the cigarette from Jamie’s hand to take a long, stabilizing drag. “I can’t do this, Jamie. I’ll make a damn fool of myself.” 

“Whoa, whoa, Dani,” Jamie chuckles as she looks at Dani. “You’ll do fine. Promise.” 

“ _Jamie,_ ” she says, almost pleading with her. “I’m still getting used to this, you know? There’s a lot going on here. I’ve never… well once. I went to a party once, but… it was Iowa…” 

Jamie places a pacifying hand on the small of her back. “Well. I promise I’ll be with you the entire time, and if you absolutely hate it we’ll come back here. Do nothin’ all night.” 

“I like nothing,” Dani says. 

“Well, you may like _something,_ so we’ll go to the party. Make our appearance and call it, okay?” 

Dani nods and takes the last drag of the cigarette before dropping it in a spot of dirt covered ground, squashing it out with the toe of her suede boot. As she finishes her exhale, she grabs Jamie’s wrist to assess the time herself. She intakes a sharp breath. “We’ve been out here for an hour, already?” 

Jamie observes for herself as Dani holds up her wrist to see. “Appears so.” 

She gestures her head in the direction of the house, eyeing Dani carefully. “You ready?” 

Dani nods and takes Jamie’s hand, leading the way herself. Jamie shakes her head at the piloting motion Dani takes. She finds herself understanding Dani more and more as the days pass. With two weeks Dani has been here, Jamie has been a diligent study. She observes the way Dani will be so unsure, but with enough assurance and aplomb— more so cruel this one is because Dani despises being a burden, so she wills herself to do anything if it appeases the situation — she can take over a persona of striking confidence, exuding it as if it were there all along. 

Jamie opens the door for her, revealing an entirely new setting for Dani. Of course, Dani has seen the house, but Jamie is aware not in this way. There is a new vitality that swathes them, embraces them with its pistachio walls and oak embellishments. 

From the foyer they see the abundance of people in the lounge, mingling in their flamboyant clothing— silks, leathers, suedes, and velvets — all bright with crisp colors and ornate patterns. All of these people hold an obvious distinction and affluence hidden under a guise of humble liberation. A persona that is alien to Dani and Jamie yet easing in its nuances. 

Jamie, with Dani flush against her, feels her tense. She feels a hesitant hand that grabs her, but immediately lets go when she seemingly remembers the rules they instated. No touching unless it can be regarded as strictly platonic. They can be discreet, but, above all, they will be careful.

“There are so many people,” she mutters in Jamie’s ear, hardly perceptible as the room is filled with music coming from the speakers. When Jamie looks at her, there is this emulsion of awe and worry ingrained in her features. “Most I’ve been around is thirty… but they were all nine,” she says flatly, seemingly serious, but the innocence of it has Jamie laughing. She can picture Dani as a teacher having to control and converse with a cohort of thirty children. Somehow she imagines this won’t be much different than that. Already, people are dancing raggedly, slurring and unsteady. 

“Well, I’ll tell you these people are hardly any more civil than children, so it won’t be much different.” 

Dani giggles then bites her lip as she looks at her. “Need a drink,” she chimes as Jamie leads her to the kitchen. 

Jamie looks behind her and gives her a resolute nod. “Your wish is my command,” she salutes as she turns them up at the bar where Owen stands behind it, wearing a maroon button-up cuffed to his elbows. 

He’s focused on drying a glass before the pair catches his attention. He startles then offers them an elated grin. 

“Finally you two decide to show up,” he says. “Traffic keep you?” 

“Ah, I have a feeling this is an excuse you’ve used before, Jamie,” Dani smiles.

Jamie smugly shrugs. “May have a few times.” 

“Every time,” Owen smirks at Jamie before reverting his stare to Dani, giving her a genuine expression, soft smile and lifted brows. “How are you holdin’ up, Dani? This roach treatin’ you well?” 

“Oh, you twat,” Jamie retorts, harmonizing with Dani’s own joy in response to their banter. 

“Very well,” she smiles, brushing a brief, discreet hand across the small of Jamie’s back. “She’s a good one.”

Jamie blushes at that, bashful with her eyes falling to the floor and fingers that suddenly have to fidget with each other. She can’t deny how gratifying it is to know she’s done right by someone, especially by someone she cares so deeply about. 

“A drink?” he asks. 

“You know mine,” Jamie says then turns to Dani. 

“Whatever she’s having.” Dani leans against the bar and looks at Jamie. It’s a dangerous gaze she has, one that could be caught onto quickly as intimate from a bystander. It’s also one that can make Jamie melt immediately if under it too long. It’s like she’s leftover ice upon asphalt and Dani is the daunting, beating sun. Oh, but she’d willingly let herself melt for her. 

“Don’t let this one get you into trouble,” Owen winks as he pushes gin and tonics their way. The women take them, say their goodbyes, and roam aimlessly around the grounds of the soiree. 

They watch a group of people mingle upon the couches, comfortable and effortless in a shared conversation. A man and a rather unlucky looking woman are by the stereo. The woman is obviously being subjected to a passionate tangent about the album the man is holding. Jamie huffs a laugh at the sight and continues on with Dani walking just beside her. 

Dani appears curious about her surroundings. Her brow furrows as she looks on. Jamie has come to know that look as inquisitive, but it presents rather intimidating at face value. 

They walk out of the french doors to the sweeping lawn where most of the people are, illuminated by the stars, a lit fire pit on the patio, and the strung lights that line the roof. A group of people is dispersed along the grass. Others are circled around the firepit, cross-legged and stoic with wine in hand, deep in serious deliberation. If Jamie listens close enough they seem to all have familiar accents, all resembling home. 

Jamie watches Dani smile as she looks at the group of people sitting on the lawn, far from the rest of the party to the point they’re mostly just shadows. They are circled together with their guitars, playing music that is hardly audible because of the distance. 

“Not too scary, yeah?” Jamie asks, now finally realizing Dani’s arm that has been hooked around hers. _So much for rules._

Dani nods, but she still looks a bit anxious in this situation. It’s understandable, though. It’s not easy for a woman like Dani, held up in the boredom of Iowa for most of her life then a couple of years in the heart of a desolate Cleveland suburb, to take immediate comfort in this kind of gathering. Most likely, these are people Dani has never encountered, let alone ever imagined. They’re exuberant and gaudy in ways that seem to make Dani appear skittish, but she endures. Just as she always has done with everything. She endures. 

Jamie abruptly turns when she feels a firm hand on her shoulder, Hannah is before her when she’s made it all the way around.

Hannah grins at both of them and clasps hands around each of their arms. “Oh, you both look marvelous,” she says. “What a dress you’ve got there, dear. Color suits you wonderfully.” 

Dani gives a gracious, flushed smile. “Jamie bought it for me,” she says. 

“Already know a way to a woman’s heart, I see. Owen’s taught you well.” 

“Rather Owen learned well,” Jamie responds. 

“Probably that,” Hannah chuckles as she lets go of the women. “Have fun, you two.” 

Hannah lingers there a moment; a split second contemplation of Dani ensues. She leans forward and whispers something into her ear. Dani breathily giggles in response and nods, curling into a brief kiss Hannah leaves on her cheek. Then Hannah is off as if she hadn’t just told Dani a riveting counsel. 

“What did she tell you?” Jamie asks once they’ve made their way back inside. 

Dani shakes her head, biting back a simper. “Nothing,” she mutters as she takes a faster stride to the record player. 

“Oh you’re infuriating, you know that?” 

“Am I?” Dani asks as she faces the shelves of records, fingers dancing along spines until she can find something of substance. “Haven’t heard that one before.” 

“Should tell you that more often- Oh, that’s a good one. Put that on,” Jamie smiles as Dani pulls out a Marvin Gaye album. 

“Never took you as a fan of Mr. Gaye,” Dani says as she walks over to the turntable, slipping the record out carefully. Jamie feels foolish in enjoying watching Dani’s nimble, careful fingers tend to putting music on. She does so with such finesse, holding the record with such effortless care whilst blindly placing it on the platter as she keeps her eyes on Jamie, awaiting a response. 

Jamie subtly shakes her head and swallows. “Hard not to with a record like this,” she says. 

Once Dani has dropped the needle onto the record, she looks back at Jamie, leaning against the wood console and crossing her arms. 

“You surprise me, Jamie,” Dani says. There is no clear emotion in her voice, just observant. She looks curious and somber as if Jamie is a concentrated philosophical text she is still trying to get a grasp of. 

“Is that so?” Jamie challenges, leaning against the shelf with an elbow and a quirked brow. 

“You’re different,” she begins. “Not who-”

“Oh my goodness I love your dress, doll,” a woman’s voice rings from beside them, tearing them from their gaze. Beside them is a stranger with a Southern drawl. It’s an accent that deeply contrasts her appearance. She’s got a long black dress on, a choker around her neck, and brown hair that falls to her waist. Behind her stands a blonde man with a sand toned corduroy two-piece on, a pale blue mock neck peeking through. They are polar opposites from one another, but it’s clear they are a couple based on the arm that is hooked around the woman’s waist. He eyes Dani in a way only Jamie sees, and it irks her enough to stay wary of him. Wary of not only him but of the woman as well. 

Dani looks startled at the abrupt entrance of strangers, but she smiles tenderly, thanking her kindly. The woman is outgoing and bubbly, speaking at an overwhelming pace that has already introduced herself as Valerie, her boyfriend as Norm, her sign Scorpio, and she’s from Georgia. She immediately fawns over Dani and they delve into comfortable conversation. She takes Dani by the arm and urges her to the couch just a few feet away. 

Jamie remains in her position, leaning against the shelf and bringing her beverage to her lips. She wonders if she is relieved to have been saved from the Dani’s prodding. But the words continuously ring within her. 

_You’re different… Not who you were? Not who you used to be? Not who I wanted? Not who I thought you were?_

Jamie doesn’t know what to make of her remark. It’s a bit jarring to have Dani realize a change in her when Jamie hasn’t come to terms with it herself. 

Jamie knows why she has changed. She knows it’s because of Dani. For the first time, she feels like she is grounded. Feels like there is no reason to bolt and never return. Jamie wasn’t one to stay in one place too long, always moving and never manifesting lasting relationships save for the diligence of Hannah and Owen. 

But Dani. Dani has firmly placed her on two feet, and Jamie does feel herself changing. Opening up, brightening herself up, talking to things that were once foreign and worthy of loathing to her. Mostly, she can see the good in the world rather than the bad. For once, there is a light over the horizon. An optimism, rather than pessimism. Finally, Jamie can alter her usage of the age-old metaphor. Her glass is half full. 

But she looks at Dani, who seems to have stayed the same entirely. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Except, Jamie recognizes the constant pain that resides within her. She would never have known it was there had she not spent so long studying her, catching the few moments where only the purest light shines through those eyes. It’s then that Jamie knows that Dani is normally unhappy, and she’d be a liar if she said she hasn’t laid herself out completely to help Dani. 

Help Dani get her feet on the ground. Help Dani realize that some things are out of her control and are irreparable. Help Dani gather direction instead of feeling so lost. She wishes to heal this disarray she sees Dani dissolving in. She wants that unconditionally effervescent gleam in Dani’s eyes to be constant rather than a rarity. She wants to be the one who shows Dani that there are people who will be gentle with her, tend to her with the utmost care, and refuse to leave her stranded and hurt. Jamie knows the feeling, and if Dani has already made quite the change in her, Jamie must do the same in return. 

Jamie watches on, brows still furrowed as she studies the way Dani laughs and grips the woman’s arm in her joy. Her eyes turn to look at Jamie briefly, smiling and urging her to join them. It warms her and comforts her worries enough, but before she can go to sit beside them, Owen’s voice is calling her. She turns to find him hovering. 

“I want you to meet a few people,” he says near Jamie’s ear over the music. Jamie doesn’t want to. Hates meeting people, and bless Owen’s heart, but every person he’s made her meet has been excruciating. 

After she looks at Dani, concerned to leave her on her own, Owen assures her it will only be for a moment, practically tugging at her. Not even giving her the chance to tell Dani she is going, but she doesn’t dwell on it. She reasons she’ll say her hello’s, make a proper introduction, then she’ll return. Sparing minutes at most. 

Jamie follows Owen’s lead, looking behind herself at Dani who is still in deep dialogue with Valerie and Norm. She sees her eyes rise once, seemingly searching for her but they come up empty. The distance hardly lets her survey whether or not Dani is panicked. It is not like if she were Jamie would be able to get out of this situation anyway to get back to her.

As soon as Jamie meets these people, the ones around the firepit, she knows almost immediately this won’t be a moment. Certainly won’t be a couple of minutes either when two of the women, Marianne and Patty, with posh London accents, insist she sit. The group of them, seven Jamie counts, pass around something with a familiar scent; a joint it most certainly is. Something Jamie hasn’t seen or touched in years. 

They all hound Jamie, acting like meeting her was the prime happening of the evening. Something they longed for, the appearance they all came to the party to witness. They bombard her with questions. Touch her and comment on her appearance. She answers them, letting the charming side of her take over as best she can. She feels a bit guilty when she allows it all to happen too. Oddly, she is content with the attention. She likes being in the company of people who remind her so much of home. Jamie, never someone who took to nostalgia, somehow gained an interest in it just seconds ago. 

Soon, the joint makes its way to Jamie. She takes it absentmindedly as she is in the middle of responding to a question. She hardly realizes she’s taking a hit of it until she tastes and feels the potent smoke creeping to the back of her throat. 

It’s then that Jamie is most certain this won’t even be in the vicinity of minutes. She’ll be here for a while. She knows she shouldn’t. Feels the inkling somewhere deep in her mind, even after the second hit when she feels that tickling and swirling in her head, that leaving Dani in there was cruel. But, she can’t escape. She can’t act on that notion because there are two consciences within her now. Her rational and regarding one, and the opposite; the one that existed before Dani. The one that is blasé and cavalier. 

It’s at some point later, on the finale of a head high, when she quickly bows her head back and spouts a roaring guffaw at a joke a woman says — one she assumes couldn’t have been that funny but she has already forgotten it — she comes to again. She sits straight and suddenly the daze, the buzz she was set into, has faded. She is strikingly sober and looking around frantically. She sees no Dani, and she looks down at her watch. She can’t remember when she sat down, but when she eyes the time, she gets the idea that she’s been there for far too long. 

What felt like minutes, was nothing near. 

Jamie is aware of them still speaking to her, but it's all jumbled static that sounds miles away. She feels this self-deprecating anger and remorse wrack her. She runs a frustrated and worried hand through her hair, rising abruptly and rushing away. 

When she meets the lounge, she looks at the couch that is absent of Dani, but Valerie and Norm remain. She walks to them, hoping they know where she’s gone. 

“Do you know where she went?” Jamie blurts when she walks over. 

Both of them look up at her. 

“Who?” Valerie sings, playing dumb. 

“ _Danielle_?” Norm questions suggestively, eyebrow raised and ankle bouncing over his opposite knee. 

Their attitudes greatly differ from what she experienced from before, and it’s incredibly unnerving. They have looks and demeanors now that slither with arrogance. His complacency and her teasing mold into shared, taunting laughter. As if Dani was some kind of old joke. It sends a furious bout of boiling rage rising in Jamie. 

“The fuck is that s’posed to mean?” she spits at them, getting closer to them. 

Both of them lean farther back into the cushion, putting up placating hands and scoffing laughs to ease Jamie’s vexation. 

Jamie grumbles under her breath and clenches her jaw, handing them one more irate leer before storming off. There is no time to waste as she has no idea where Dani is.

She shuffles out the door, pushing through a group of people coming in. Hurrying across the lawn, she curses herself under her breath and pushes through the door of the studio. 

“Dani?” she calls. She looks around the area in a desperate search for her, but there is no sign of her. 

She leans against the wall and begins a ridicule aimed at herself, “You fu-” instead it comes out as a seething exhale through gritted teeth as she drags two hands down her face. 

Jamie doesn’t want to think about what could have happened. Doesn’t want it to cross her mind, but it comes in like a swarming flurry. Every awful scenario rebounds from each wall of her mind. They’re all awful, and Jami blames herself for every one of their potential existences. 

She’s about to turn out the door to continue her search when she hears a snivel and a whimper, so quiet and meek, coming from the bathroom. She lunges back in the room and rushes over to the door.

The sounds are clearer now and they’re gut-wrenching.

“Dani, love,” Jamie breathes, but she doesn’t receive a response. Jamie, with tears stinging at her eyes, lets her forehead fall forward with a bang against the door. “God, I’m so sorry. This whole thing… it was a mistake. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” croaks Dani. 

“No. It is most certainly not fuckin’ okay. I am… Christ, Dani.” Jamie listens for anything else but it is mostly silent. “You wanna come out?” 

The door opens slowly after that and Dani reveals herself. Her eyes look everywhere but Jamie’s. Her eyelids are bright pink and puffy, cheeks blotchy where the tears stained and nipped. Her tongue swipes over her top lip to capture a tear that had nestled there. 

It’s a devastating sight. One that wrings Jamie’s heart completely and has her covering her mouth with a sickened, concealing hand. 

Wretched, shrill eyes look up at her. “Where’d you go?” she whimpers. 

Jamie contemplates Dani as she picks at her bottom lip. With the question, she comes back to focus. “Owen… he wanted me to meet some people,” Jamie manages out through a straining throat. She doesn’t want to cry but the sound of Dani’s small, weak voice has all these emotions enrapturing her, making it fairly difficult not to. “What did they do, Dani… those two people?” 

Dani shakes her head. “Nothing,” she says as she inches forward to fall into the safety of Jamie’s chest.

Jamie peels back and holds Dani by the sides of her face, gently urging her eyes to look up at her. “You sure, baby? You can tell me.” 

“I think they wanted me to sleep with them,” she finally admits sheepishly. “Kept touching me, telling me about their apartment… Wasn’t interested… obviously… Pissed them off.” She pauses to sniffle and wiggles from Jamie’s grasp, grabbing her wrists to drop them back at her sides. “Then, I went looking for you… and I saw you out there with all those people. Laughing with them. Didn’t want to bother… ” She shrugs. “So, I came in here.” 

Jamie leans against the wall and inhales through a clenched jaw. She covers her face and arches her neck back, so she’s facing the ceiling. 

Dani looked for her. Dani needed her. She wasn’t there. Dani, already so afraid of being at that party, was left alone after Jamie promised her she wouldn't let that happen. Had to convince her she wouldn’t numerous times too. 

Unexpectedly, a new jolt and attention have Dani scurrying to the bed. She’s frantic in her anxiety as she sits on the bed. 

“I don’t belong here, Jamie,” Dani releases with a sob, leaning her head down towards the floor. 

Jamie, wide-eyed, joins her and shakes her head. “Hey. You do. _You do,_ Dani.” 

Jamie drops to her knees in front of her and circles her thumbs soothingly around Dani’s kneecaps. She knows she can’t keep Dani here if she doesn’t want to be here, so she asks the painful question: “You wanna go home?” 

“No,” Dani says immediately as she looks at Jamie, staunchly shaking her head with a stern look. “It’s anywhere, Jamie. I can’t belong anywhere,” she says. She lets out a shaky sigh to steady herself. With a voice that is hoarse, she continues, “I never have. My whole life, Jamie… I’ve done all the things people told me to do… I never let myself want… Now that I don’t have people… other people in control, I don’t know what to do with it. So, I get myself into shit like this.”

Jamie suspires sympathetically and cranes to catch Dani’s eyes that are flitting around the room. “None of this is your fault. We shouldn’t have gone… shouldn’t have left you, either. This is on me… I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” 

Dani stares at her finger picking at a hangnail in her lap. She’s heavy with rumination, eyes darting, lashes blinking quickly. She’s silent for an eternity before looking up with an inhale of courage. “Why hadn’t you ever seen a color television, Jamie?” she asked. 

Jamie is continuously disconcerted with Dani in her bouts of distress. It’s like she can’t form cohesive or coherent dialogue because her mind and heart are racing a mile a minute. She stares up at her, utterly puzzled at the random question, and inquires,“What?... What’s that have to do with-” 

“In Indiana… when we saw them in the window, you said you’d never seen one before. And in Illinois, in the motel room. You were amazed by it. And I always thought about it, Jamie. Always stuck with me because I’d never known someone who had never seen a color television,” she explains, eyes staring at the wall ahead of her with an expression that reads with the same amount of confusion as Jamie is wearing. “All these things that are so… normal… you didn’t know about. Automatic cars, the 8-track, and films that seem so… ordinary… you didn’t know ‘em.” 

“I don’t… I don’t understand, Dani. Why are you asking me this?” 

“Because I feel like… I don’t know you, Jamie,” she states. She pauses as she looks at Jamie, rightfully backtracking when she sees the way Jamie freezes. It’s the same phrase Jamie believes is synonymous with _This isn’t going to work, Jamie. We don’t fit._ So, she repairs her language by assuring her as a soft hand caresses her cheek. “And it isn’t your fault, and I know we haven’t known each other long enough to know much. But… I feel like this is a one-way street… where you take all this time caring about me. _Caring for me._ You let me talk. Let me air my grievances always as if it doesn’t bother you at all…You’re so good to me, and you give me _so much_. For God’s sake, you bought me this dress… and you let me live here. And what do I do, Jamie? I-I… I’ve never let you be cared for. I mean, what have I given you?” she tangents, voice breaking and hitching as she goes. 

Jamie tilts her head and grabs Dani’s hands. “What haven’t you given me, love?” 

Dani rolls her eyes and looks away, unable to believe the idea for a second. 

“I’m serious, Dani,” Jamie insists. “Look…. Dani, will you look at me?” 

Sullen eyes meet hers hesitantly. 

“Listen to me, yeah?” 

Dani nods. 

Jamie settles for a moment to ground herself, formulate decent sentences in her mind because she won’t stutter. Won’t hesitate. Because if there is one thing she is certain of, Dani is desperate for stability, and Jamie is the only person who could attempt to provide her that. 

“I have never. Ever. Met anyone like you. I’ve known you for… what? A few weeks? And you are the only person who has ever made me feel… like I can stay put. I’ve always been… runnin’. Never could stick around for too long. Thought if things started to grow a routine I’d let my guard down, get fucked over. So I’d bolt, go off somewhere else… Found it was easier to start over,” she divulges, throat thick with something she tries to push away. _Stay steady, Jamie. Steady._ “But you, Dani, you make me want to stay put. And I’m still learnin’ how… to do that, but I guess I’m scared of things too. Scared of what you may think of me because all of this… being civil and all. It’s new. Very new.” 

By the end of it, Jamie can feel tears trailing down her cheeks. She looks down to wipe them away and hide her vulnerability. It’s a motion that is habitual, but she knows she’ll learn to let herself unarm at some point. Just not now because she fears there is rejection within Dani. Rationally, she knows there wouldn’t be, but fear is no foreign feeling in Jamie. She hides it well, but when it hits her, it’s debilitating. 

“And,” she begins again, her voice breaking to the point that she needs to exhale to sustain any composure. “I’ve done a lot of bad, fucked up things in my life. Horrible things. I fucked over _so_ many people, hurt people. I can be really, really stupid… Served time. Three years I was locked up because of stupid shit I did,” she says, tone graveled and reprimanding towards herself. She looks back up at Dani, squeezing her hands and looking at her with eyes that are begging her to believe her, trust her. “But if there is one thing I did right, Dani. One good fucking thing I did… it was stopping that damn truck.” 

And, boy, is that the truth. Jamie contemplates this a lot. Most days really. What could have been haunts her. What if she kept driving? What if she kept going? What if she had decided to drive through Akron rather than Dayton? What if there was one red light? What if she had her head down just as she was passing Dani? All of these things, so trivial and stock, could have changed everything. But, somehow, Jamie passed through at just the right time. Had just the amount of regard, something foreign given she never truly gave a fuck about anyone before, to stop. Stop and pick Dani up. 

All of that led them here. Right here. Together. 

Dani tilts her head, fresh tears welling with a trembling bottom lip. It’s apparent that she knows what Jamie means, and she sobs out with an expression that Jamie can’t decipher. She can’t tell if she is relieved, happy, or upset. Maybe an emulsion of all three. 

“ _Jamie,”_ she whimpers and tugs at Jamie’s shoulders to bring her closer. 

Jamie rises from her knees and settles in the place atop the bed between Dani’s legs. Arms snake around her, holding her tight. Lips kiss up from her jaw to her temple, allowing Jamie to steadily relax. In the arms of a woman who welcomes her wholeheartedly with every ounce of her tenderness and affection showering upon her. Finally, Jamie can breathe.

Jamie, wholly vulnerable at the moment, nuzzles into Dani’s shoulder and holds onto her back with a strong grasp. She shudders as she feels hot breath hush near her ear, then Dani kisses so gently against the shell of it. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m just so scared… scared I’m going to ruin this—” 

_You never could. Could never ruin this. It’s perfect. All of it._

“—because… I’ve never known this before,” Dani whispers, fingers simultaneously running through Jamie’s hair. “What we have, Jamie, it’s so rare, you know?... And we're going so fast… always moving…” She chuckles tearfully. “It’s how we started and all, I know… but we should slow down… soak it all in. Cherish it. Take our time… and take care of it… good care of it because it’s so… so important.” 

Jamie nods against her shoulder. “Okay.” 

Dani leans back and takes Jamie’s face into her hands. “You mean too much to me to be going this fast.” 

She places three prolonged kisses to Jamie’s lips, tender and sweet, before switching gazes back and forth between each of Jamie’s eyes. “We’ll take this all one day at a time, yeah?” 

_One day at a time._ A proposal that sounds like music to her ears. For Jamie wants nothing more than that. Wants nothing more than to have the world around them speeding by as Dani and her grow languidly. Waltzing through life in largo. So, she can savor Dani. Soak in all Dani has to offer. Study her without a deadline. A life lived in leisure with Dani is one that is beautiful and one that can be entirely and sincerely indulged in without a limit. 

Jamie offers a soft smile and a nod. She closes her eyes as she feels Dani gently brush away tears from her cheeks with her thumbs. Her touch is so careful and genuine, even with something so incidental as wiping away her tears. 

While in the darkness with eyes closed, she tries to convince herself this isn’t real. This affection, this unfeigned nurturing and concern can’t be real. It’s too unfamiliar and kind. So much so that Jamie could hardly fathom such a thing before Dani came into her life. It’s impossible that Jamie could be this lucky to fall into this; something she never knew she wanted so much. 

Now, entirely convinced that her mind is cruel, she believes when she opens her eyes it will all have proven to be a dream of the most surreal trickery. 

But when she flutters her eyes open. Dani is there. Still smiling. Still her. Still Dani. All Jamie could ever ask for. 

Jamie marvels at her, mirroring the profound gleam in Dani’s eyes. She echoes their new mantra: “One day at a time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to be updated. As you can see, I got carried away. Holy hell is this long. 
> 
> I know I could have made this into two chapters instead of one… but I didn’t want to 🤪, so I’m v sorry. In my defense, I 100% didn’t expect it to be this long… but it does happen to be the penultimate chapter, though. The crescendo I suppose… maybe? 
> 
> Anywho, hope y’all liked it. Love your feedback and comments as always. Always means so much. Sorry for any mistakes. The brain is fried at the moment... they will be fixed... maybe. 
> 
> See you soon with the last chapter!
> 
> (Chapter title comes from After Hours by The Velvet Underground. A.k.a the introvert’s national anthem.)


	10. makes me righteous, makes me whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Los Angeles a love so precious blossoms. 
> 
> Cw: you may get a literal toothache from this. Also, wowie, is this NSFW. 
> 
> Well, this is it, my friends. Enjoy :)
> 
> (Sorry for any mistakes... I'll fix them at some point...)

**February 1974**

Dani — arms folded with firm protection over a yellow, manila envelope — strides down the sidewalk of Sunset Boulevard. The day’s warmth leaves her with a permanent glistening smile on her face. A light, brisk breeze cascades her hair back gently behind her. The soft rays of the sun are setting now, painting the sky with vibrant pinks, mauves, and oranges. She indulges in the city’s magnificence every day at golden hour. The sunset seems to be much more exuberant in Los Angeles; it smolders in a way that is otherwordly. 

As people pass her, she offers them a smile. She grins at the three children that run and weave around her, roaring with laughter. As she passes the record store, she finds herself humming to the music that comes creeping out of their storefront door. When she passes under a Magnolia tree, she dances her fingertips along its leaves with a soft observing smile. 

Dani is happy. Happier than she has ever been, she believes. Joy like this, she has never experienced. The kind that has her going to sleep at night looking forward to the next day. The kind that makes her cheeks ache from smiling and laughing so much. The kind that fills her with a tingling warmth that swells and frolics about her until she feels she is in a daze of the most jovial sense.

Dani feels at home for the first time in her life. For seven months she has been in this city. Seven months and it is her home. Los Angeles is brilliant, liberating, bustling, and multi-faceted. A place where she can truly be herself, blend in, and find comfort in the best possible ways. There is no one there to tie her down or dictate her. After a life of misery and disjunction, she is home and she belongs. 

As she sees the familiar bright yellow lettering come into view just down the street, coming into focus little by little as she closes the distance, her grin grows wider. In elegant print reads, _The Leafling,_ upon a coral awning. Jamie’s florist, astounding and thriving with abundant success. It’s a view that engulfs Dani with the most inexplicable pride. To see something that Jamie built herself, toiling day in and day out to bring something so beautiful to life, is beyond rewarding. 

She halts in front of the door, her hand just about to pull it open. However, the sight before her freezes her in place. Through the window, she sees Jamie, leaning against the counter with knit brows as she concentrates on putting together a colorful arrangement of flowers. Dani feels a little, crooked simper take hold of her lips as she briefly studies Jamie. Taking in the image of her hard at work, dressed in her patched up blue overalls and a snug, colorful striped shirt with long sleeves pushed to her elbows. Even the smallest motion, Jamie pushing her fringe from her eyes, makes her smile grow wider. 

The most welcomed addition in her life is the fact that she is in love. In love with Jamie for all she is and what she has given her. It grows every day and began growing beyond expectation when Jamie accepted her wholeheartedly and vowed to stand by her through everything and anything. Stood by her when they both went back to Ohio together to face Eddie and gather her belongings. Stood by Dani through her emotional ruts and distress. With Jamie, she feels whole, collected, and not alone. With Jamie, most importantly, she feels loved. 

And Dani feels this love completely. It is the kind of love that is dizzying, leaving her breathless for a few seconds when Jamie walks into the room. The kind of love that makes her feel secure, like nothing in the world could harm or bother her when she is in Jamie’s arms. The kind of love that is so casual and easy; apparent in the simplest events as Jamie reading a novel to her or sitting beside her enjoying a film. The kind of love that makes her feel alive as if every time Jamie kisses her she proffers a keen sense of vitality. The kind of love that supports, encourages, and challenges Dani to blossom and attain anything she wishes. Jamie teaches her, cherishes her, savors her, reassures her. And within this ample love, Dani is unfettered and flourishing.

With a final look at the envelope in her hands and an intake of breath that instills a spell of intrepidity, she pushes through the door into the shop. Inside she is greeted by the sweet smell of flowers and the organic riches of plants, lying in plentitude all around her. It is like a garden all on its own in there. So filled with beauty and life. 

“How can I-” Jamie begins as she looks up. The exhausted look in her eye, the one so common now after she had committed herself to work constantly, dissipates immediately into one that is relieved, joyous, and bright. “Hey, love,” she chimes as she circles the counter to greet her in a giddy hurry. 

As they always do, they look around themselves cautiously whilst inching closer to each other. Peeking out windows to make sure no one passing will catch a glimpse. It’s an unfortunate procedure, but it’s one of grave necessity. 

Once the coast is clear, Jamie settles her hands on Dani’s waist and kisses her softly, smiling at her with an evident glow residing in her expression. One that is etched with a canny sense of adoration. 

“Was just about to close up,” she says as she leans back a bit. With a raise of her brow, she observes Dani’s attire. Seemingly impressed by her olive skirt and sheer white blouse. “You look awfully nice.” 

“Had an errand to run after work.” 

Jamie hums in understanding and fiddles in her pockets for the keys. She hands them to Dani. “Mind lockin’ up for me?” 

Dani takes the offered keys and walks over the door, locking it then tending to the blinds on the windows. 

“How are those wee gremlins anyway?” Jamie asks as she walks over to the counter to finish up her work. “Any of ‘em run you ragged?” 

Dani chuckles softly as she releases the blinds to cover the windows. “Hardly gremlins,” she says as she saunters to the counter. “At least not all of them… some need more attention, I think.” 

Jamie, muffled as she crouches around the corner, replies, “Well you’re the finest teacher I know, love. Don’t doubt you’ll know what to do.”

When August had rolled around, Dani was itching for productivity. She wanted to work, wanted to do something that wasn’t sitting around their little guest home or trying to busy her idle hands at the florist, the latter was hardly sufficient given she is a fumbling mess with plants it turns out. Nor does she have quite the eye for arranging as Jamie does. 

For a few weeks, she yearned for something that she couldn’t quite put her nose on. She knew there was something missing. It wasn’t until one night, Dani and Jamie hovering over a ripped pair of jeans on the carpet, where Dani patiently taught Jamie how to sew a patch onto the ripped denim, did it finally click. It happened exactly when Jamie managed with shaky fingers to get the patch in place, smiled up at Dani, and remarked, _You’re a good teacher, D._

And a teacher it was that she was destined to be. 

So, she took that and ran with it. Worked and practiced incessantly, rounding up lessons and brushing the dust off of the expertise that had been forced away years before. It meant long nights where Jamie was subjected to Dani teaching her simple grammar, geography, and mathematics as practice. By the end of the month, she landed an interview, charmed the administration with her aptness for intelligence and nurturing, and landed a job as a fourth-grade teacher at an elementary school in West Hollywood. 

Dani leans against the counter, folding her hands together as she watches Jamie tidy up the arrangements and tins of flowers. She places the envelope down. 

“Jay, I need to show you something,” she says. 

Jamie whips around and looks at her inquisitively. “Show me something?” she questions as she comes over to lean against the counter across from Dani. 

“Yeah,” she says with a softened expression. One that reads of the conflicting feelings within her, excitement molded into nervousness. She pushes the envelope to the center of the surface for both of them to study equally. 

“An envelope,” Jamie says, feigning awe. “Fuck these are my favorite.” 

Dani clicks her tongue to her teeth and rolls her eyes. “Not just any envelope, Jamie.” 

“Had a feeling maybe it wasn’t some borin’ ole envelope.” 

“You’re assuming my envelopes are boring then?” 

“Most are… until the contents have been revealed.” 

Dani huffs a laugh and unclasps the pins of the envelope. She bites her lip in steady anticipation, excited for Jamie’s reaction. She looks interested, as interested as someone can be who is hovering and nonchalantly popping a mint into her mouth as she waits for Dani to pull out the contents. 

“You know that place on Edgemont?” she questions as her fingers fiddle with gripping the stack of stapled papers that are nestled tightly within the package. 

Jamie pauses her mint swirling, looking far more curious and intrigued now as evident through eyes that have significantly lit up. She tilts her head and attempts to read Dani’s intentions. “Yes,” she responds slowly. “The blue building.” 

It’s not just _the blue building._ It’s the apartment building Jamie has been fawning over since they started looking for apartments in December. Every time they pass it — which they certainly never have to do given it is deep in the suburbs, but Jamie always somehow routes them to pass it by — Jamie gawks at it. Says they could certainly make a home there. And they certainly could. It’s a beautiful place, one that Dani simultaneously dreams about. A place to live, just her and Jamie. A place they could build together. Little pieces of the both of them scattered about it. Dani wants nothing more than that. 

“Yeah,” she smiles and pulls out a stack of papers, marked with lines and lines of legal jargon and agreements. 

On her way to meet Jamie, she went over an internal script. Put together piece by piece how she would reveal to Jamie just what she had done. She thought she could muster enough meaningful words explaining what she had procured earlier that day and why she had done it. She wanted it to be special. It was supposed to be heartfelt, a confession of her passionate devotion and commitment to Jamie. She thought it could go along the line of, _Jamie, you know you mean the world to me, and I know just how much you wanted this apartment. It is perfect. You know it is. I know it is. So, I met with the landlord…_

But all that comes out is a candid, “I put down the security deposit this afternoon. Just need you to sign these, so it's _ours._ Then, I’ll put down two month’s rent.” 

Once Dani is through internally cursing her bluntness, she looks at Jamie who has an uncanny resemblance to a statue as she stares down at the presented stack of paper, not visually acknowledging her words whatsoever. She looks neutral, unphased almost as if she never even heard her at all. But Dani thinks this may be a shock that is written all over Jamie. Very silent shock. 

Such jarring silence that Dani is certain she can hear everything. She convinces herself she can hear the pipes creaking in the walls, leaves from across the street swishing on trees, tires a block down screeching to a halt. It’s too silent. 

_Say something. Say something._

Jamie’s eyes are glued to the papers, which she must have put together now is a lease agreement. As Jamie does when she is puzzled, she itches her temple as if it is some magic button that will turn the gears of her mind in the right direction. However, it doesn’t seem to be working because Jamie still appears confused with her jutted jaw and pursed lips. She slides a hand down from her mouth to her neck where her fingers take hold of the silver chain there, sliding back and forth across it in internal deliberation. 

“Jamie?” Dani inquires worriedly as she tries to crane to catch Jamie’s eyes, needing to get a glimpse of whatever is going on in that head of hers. More than anything, she needs to know whether or not this is an awful mistake. 

“Hold on,” Jamie mutters, voice low and stunned as she puts a halting index finger up in Dani’s direction. She audibly swallows as her fingers leaf through the papers, shaking her head slightly. 

“Yeah, okay. Is everything-” 

Jamie’s eyes rise and they’re glistening, looking as if a pane of glass has been set over them. 

“You bought this…?” she asks as she raises her eyebrows, her face still neutral. Dani certainly cannot tell if she is upset or happy. She’s aware that she’s known her a while now, but there are still times when Jamie’s expressions are so complex she can hardly gather enough from them to land on a concrete understanding of what she is thinking or feeling. 

“Well... renting…” she corrects, then shakes her head at the useless nature of doing so. “Yes… deposit at least. After I give him the contract, I’ll put down two months’ rent.” 

“Why… Why did you do that?” Her voice is a bit shakier now. She leans forward into her propped elbow, face nuzzling into fingers that shield her mouth. All Dani can see is the top half of her face which is overborne by furrowed brows. 

Jamie’s upset, and Dani feels horrible for it now. Unruly her spontaneity is. Of course, this wouldn’t go the way she planned. A thousand thoughts marathon in merciless circles in her head. How could she get something so wrong? She prides herself on having enough intuition to provide Jamie with what she believes she needs and wants. But she’s obviously done wrong here if Jamie seems so upset. 

“Oh god,” Dani moans as she leans back, looking at the ceiling with embarrassment and regret. “I made a mistake didn’t I?” She looks back at Jamie. “I can get the deposit back. It’s no big deal… it’s… nothing.”

Dani grips the counter and teeters back on her heels, stares at the floor, and sighs disappointedly. 

She feels a hand firmly clutch her wrist, and when her gaze lifts she is met with Jamie who has tears welling in her eyes and a pursed expression that keeps her crying at bay. 

“You did this for us?” she croaks. 

The tight fist around Dani’s heart dissolves until she can feel herself breathe again, entirely relieved that Jamie’s response has finally molded into something much less convoluted. “Yeah,” she smiles. 

“Why?” Jamie tearfully laughs with a wide grin. 

Dani shrugs timidly. “Because you like it… and it’s a sought after area, and I was afraid if we waited too long it would be gone,” she explains breathlessly, hardly realizing her heart is beating faster in her chest when her mind crafts her explanation. “Wanted to do something nice for you too.” 

“Dani, this is-” 

“And because I love you,” Dani gets in quickly in one breath before Jamie can finish her statement. Following her words, she feels herself grow tensed. She looks on at an even more shocked Jamie who appears like she is one step away from being sent reeling. Dani gulps and looks down at the ground again, mustering a soft echo of her proclamation, “I love you.” 

Dani, still trepidly eyeing the floor, only hears the steps that circle the counter. She feels gentle fingers lift her face up by her jaw until she sees reddened eyes, welled to the brim with tears. They’re surprised, almost asking Dani for reassurance as she looks from one blue eye to the other. Asking, _Me? You love me?_

And, of course, she does. How could Dani not? After everything they’ve been through, after everything Jamie has done for her. Everything they have has been filled with so much love. Every moment of every day. From the second they wake up in the morning with Jamie smiling drowsily at her, all the way to the night where Jamie kisses her goodnight and nuzzles into the security of her embrace. Everything. Dani would be a damn fool not to recognize it. Would be even more of a fool if she didn’t tell Jamie this is how she feels. 

Dani — aware that Jamie must love her; if she didn’t there is no way they’d be here right now, in this very moment — still feels the throbbing worry that Jamie doesn’t feel the same. She hopes, with every ounce of her being that Jamie will say it back. She needs those words more than she thinks she has needed anything before. She anticipates and yearns as she looks into those gentle eyes. 

With not a word shared, Jamie brings Dani in for a long, deep kiss. The intense regard and ardor it holds tell Dani all she needs to know, but the ache is tended to when those words ring out in a whisper, “I love you.” They feel like the most potent elixir as they seep into Dani’s ears. 

Jamie pulls back and gazes at Dani, brushing her cheekbone with her thumb. “So.” _Kiss._ “So.” _Kiss._ “Much.” 

Dani beams at Jamie, feeling a warmth cascade across her cheeks that are most certainly a rich pink now under Jamie’s eyes. She feels a tear stream the curve of her cheek, a release of the most intense relief she has ever felt. She can’t get over this newly attained knowledge. Jamie loves her. 

Jamie loves _her._

“You knew that though,” Jamie mumbles as she kisses Dani once more. “Hope you knew that.”

“Had a feeling,” Dani sighs happily as she steps back, running her hands down the length of Jamie’s arms until she takes Jamie’s hands in hers. 

Jamie gives her an adoring smirk. She gestures her head in the direction of across the street. “Say we get these signed over a drink at Owen and Hannah’s?” she offers. 

Dani grabs the paperwork and nods. She nestles into Jamie’s side and curves an arm around Jamie’s waist as they walk towards the door. 

“How long you been waitin’ to tell me that?” Jamie chuckles as she presses a kiss to her head just before walking out. 

Dani hums in thought. “August,” Dani admits with a shy giggle. 

“August?” Jamie exclaims utterly perplexed. She laughs and bumps into Dani as they walk across the street. “You waited all this time to tell me?”

Dani flushes and smiles, shrugging. “Had to be sure.” 

“Had you whipped from the get-go, did I?” 

Dani shakes her head at that characteristic cheeky smirk on her face. So proud of herself. 

But it’s true, Jamie certainly did. Had her whipped all along. 

**May 1974**

Their apartment, which was once an empty carcass, is now a flourishing home they have created. It is quite an impressive alteration given they achieved such a congenial nature in just a couple of months.

It’s warm and cozy with its yellows and greens. Dark oak shelves are filled ceiling to floor with books, novels, encyclopedias, philosophical theory, and memoirs. A television, nestled within a wooden cabinet, is against the center wall. Many an episode of _The Mary Tyler Moore Show_ and _Maude_ are enjoyed there, both women cuddled under a blanket, flush against each other with radiating warmth. Beside the television, records lie within a wooden console. Music of both their tastes resides there. Neither woman overbears the music collection at all; it’s a pristine emulsion of both of them there. 

Framed photos, mostly in the form of Polaroids adorn the walls and shelves. Many are of Jamie and Dani, either together or portraits each have taken of each other; while, others are of them with Hannah and Owen, Rebecca too, and other friends they have accumulated over their time in Los Angeles. Art is also in abundance within the apartment. Paintings, many collected, others created with their own hands, are displayed about the apartment. 

Every surface has a plant upon it, each one with a name and each nurtured so meticulously as if they are Jamie’s own children. Akin to parents, Dani and Jamie have their favorites, though never explicitly shared in fear of hurting the feelings of the other plants. Jamie never felt that way until Dani one day personified them, and now it gives one more thing for Jamie to worry about, the plants’ fictitious and supposed emotional states.

Harold, the croton with all his glorified vibrance, is Dani’s favorite. He is the one she cares for the most under the guiding eye of Jamie. Whereas Mable, the pesky and stubborn fiddle leaf fig tree, is Jamie’s preferred. The one she waters and prunes before the others every morning.

Upon a desk lays stacks of assignments that need grading, yet another pair of folded jeans belonging to Jamie that need mending, and leather-bound journals filled with Dani’s words as she has taken up writing again. They are filled to the brim with anything Dani can put into words; poems and stories all the way to the mundane recounts of any given day.

The kitchen counter holds the remnants of takeout Mexican food and Jamie’s birthday cake — kindly crafted by Owen’s baking prowess — and a nearly empty bottle of wine that Hannah had given Jamie to celebrate along with the cake. The two women, much too spent from the happenings of Jamie’s twenty-ninth birthday and too busy with each other’s company, aren’t bothered in the slightest to tidy it up.

By now, deep in the evening, Jamie is sprawled on the yellow sofa, her head resting in Dani’s lap.

Jamie holds a novel, a gift from Dani; it’s an awfully old edition of _Wuthering Heights_ , delicate with a forest green cover and ornate gold designs on the spine. Jamie reads it aloud to her, a ritual that Dani often relishes in. 

They find themselves in this position frequently. Dani lovingly plays with her hair. Nails delicately cascade along her scalp. Gentle fingers run through Jamie’s brunette locks, curling around the layers of her shagged waves and perfecting the feather of Jamie’s fringe until they curtain effortlessly around her temples. Dani’s hands carefully splay Jamie’s hair into a halo over her lap, so she can attempt an intricate plait or coil. Her hair is surprisingly longer than she has ever had it, just laying a few inches past her shoulder now after having the sudden urge to grow it out. She’d never admit it, but she let it grow because it gives Dani more medium to work with at times like this.

The tenderness of Dani’s touch, mixed with the soft folk of Van Morrison’s _Moondance_ filling the room _—_ another one of Dani’s many gifts — has Jamie’s voice softening and falling nearly lulled. Ever so often, Jamie can feel the warmth of a gaze settling upon her. Like a fine glow that tickles at her skin, and she will briefly look up to meet Dani’s eyes, watching her take a sip of her wine. Mere split seconds they look at one another before Jamie dives back into reading to Dani. 

Jamie, as described by Dani, has a voice of divinity. One that is silken and dulcet, dripping off her tongue like honey. Modulated with distinct intention within the diction of her words, telling a story that invigorates and immerses the listener. Subtly, she will alter the accent or pitch of her voice to distinguish characters, even carrying a distinct voice for the role of narrator. She has got a stellar proficiency for it, so there is no reason to question why Dani has such a fascination with her reading and storytelling. 

Feeling her fingertips still on her scalp, Jamie looks up at Dani inquisitively. 

“Oh,” Dani sighs, eyes closing with satisfaction. “I liked that. Read that part again.” 

“ _If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger,”_ Jamie recites once more. 

With a fulfilled hum, Dani nods and continues busying her fingers again. “She’s got a knack for words.” 

“Certainly does,” Jamie agrees as she resumes her declamation. 

However, she doesn’t last long when she senses those deep blue eyes staring down at her again and hears the clank of a wine glass against the coffee table. It is when the slightest delighted huff fills the air, so minute it could be missed, one that is written with a smile, does Jamie conjoin their gazes. This time it lingers, each of them coalescing their shared reverent stares, eyes that read so deeply of their love and worship. 

“Hi,” Jamie mutters, voice hardly audible as her mind is too centered around contemplating Dani’s flawless features. They have softened, no longer knit tight with worry and fear as they were months ago. Her eyes read of the utmost security in the way they glisten with contentedness. Her lips rarely hold a frown anymore; instead, they collect the most beautiful, glistening smiles Jamie has ever encountered. 

“Hi,” Dani echoes sweetly, volume and pitch mirroring Jamie’s as she seems to be in the same session of affectionate observation. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Jamie asks, knowing entirely what it is she is doing, but Jamie likes to tease the timid affection out of Dani. There is something about the way she is caught red-handed in her deep regard that Jamie loves. It’s in the way her cheeks turn pink as she hides her shy smile with a bottom lip bitten back. It is an expression Jamie adores, and, without fail, it fills her with an urge to pepper it with kisses every time she sees it. 

“How perfect you are.”

“Me?” Jamie scoffs as she settles the book open-faced upon her chest, folding her hands on top of the spine. “Hardly.” 

Dani gives her a look of displeasure, peering at her and tutting at the mild deprecating remark. “Perfect to me,” Dani says as she leans down to kiss Jamie’s nose. She hovers closer to her face. “Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Jamie can hardly handle the remark, nor sustain the heat it sends rippling up from the pit of her belly to her cheeks. When she feels her face and ears run hot, she cranes a hand around Dani’s head to bring her down for a kiss in order to hide the flushed, abashed look on her face. 

Their lips join in a measured and cadenced whirlwind of a kiss, lips parting and taking kindly what the other has to offer graciously through tongues that taste like the finest wine. A taste that makes the kiss all the more addicting and luscious.

Dani’s hands frame Jamie’s face, blonde hair pooling over to tickle Jamie’s cheekbones and chin, filling Jamie’s senses with the aroma of sweet lavender, bergamot, and jasmine from her shampoo and perfume. Jamie holds Dani by the back of her head to ground her vivacious current, an electricity Jamie hardly wants to dwindle at all. 

Dani is the first to pull back, taking a sharp intake of needed oxygen. She simpers down at Jamie, adorable and hooked at one end. She traces a thumb in circles around Jamie’s cheek before leaving one last kiss on her forehead.

“Happy birthday, baby,” Dani purrs. 

“Best birthday I’ve ever had.” Jamie yawns and grabs the book from her chest to set it on the coffee table. 

Dani frowns and shakes her head. “Oh, it’s not over yet, hon’.” 

Those names — the _honey, sweetheart,_ derivatives of each, _sweets, hon’ —_ Dani calls her always affect Jamie. They’re rare, and she likes it that way because of how special it is every time. The way it makes her feel is a wonderous thing, unfamiliar and mooring. It is warm and benevolent, making Jamie feel so safe from everything in the world. It is moments like these, where Dani has her fingers caressing her and calling her nicknames that are so saccharine they could cause a toothache, that Jamie feels the most secure. She is free to unravel as she pleases because Dani will always be there to catch her, keep her intact. Keep her safe. 

Jamie looks at her with a quirked brow and an impish smirk on her face. No matter how tenuous, Jamie could hear how suggestive Dani’s remark was. She realizes its intention, even more, when she feels Dani’s hands glide down the curve of her neck down to her shoulders, then from her arms to her wrists. 

“No?” Jamie pushes. 

“Couldn’t let my girl go her whole birthday without a little lovin’,” she says playfully as she squeezes Jamie’s hands. “ _Surprise.”_

Jamie snorts and shakes her head. “Consider me surprised,” she smirks; although, she hardly is. She knew this was coming, and she anticipated it with a juvenile eagerness. 

It is this time that Dani ducks to initiate the kiss, more determined and profound now. She swipes her tongue across Jamie’s parted lips and presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth. She attempts to dip down to Jamie’s neck, but the angle is far from favorable. So, with expert care, she cradles Jamie’s head with one hand; then she is shifting and shimmying fluidly, so she is straddling Jamie. Gently she lowers Jamie’s head back to the cushion and presses firm kisses from her jaw to her neck. 

Jamie stretches her neck with a deep inhale to allow more purchase for Dani’s lips to adopt. Jamie lifts her head in a strain to watch the sensual way Dani kisses leisurely down to her exposed chest with a touch so light that Jamie can feel goosebumps growing along the wake of her mouth’s path. The sight and the rewarding sensation of Dani stamping her love against Jamie’s skin cause her to flutter her eyes shut and release a long exhale of pleasured breath. 

Dani rises, leaving Jamie frustrated and internally begging for her return. Dani evidently recognizes the frustration and stifles a cackle, seemingly pleased at the way she has Jamie already readily excitable underneath her. Her abrupt shift to a tease is obvious in that mischievous and smug look on her face. Constantly, Jamie finds herself in awe of Dani. The way she can be so gentle and yielding one moment then starkly confident and feisty the next. 

“Think we should move this to the bedroom.” Dani pats her arm and sits up. Jamie watches Dani climb over the sofa and cavalierly saunter off until Jamie can no longer see her from her position. 

Dani stops and looks at Jamie who has risen to her knees with a lip tugged at by her front teeth as she watches on pensively with such amusement and veneration. She lets this image soak into her being. Dani, the most beautiful woman she has ever seen, the best woman she has ever known. Jamie never expected she’d be fortunate enough to share this life with her. As luck would have it, Dani is still with her. Dani is hers; hers to love and offer herself completely to. And Jamie is positive that has to be the greatest blessing of all. 

“What are you doing? Come on,” Dani chuckles as she beckons Jamie over with the bob of her head. 

When Jamie still falters within her daze, refusing to join her because she’s not ready to end this satisfying study, Dani slowly peels her shirt over her head, tossing it off mindlessly. This reveals a broader expanse of creamy skin that alone acts as a lasso to reel Jamie in. 

Jamie jumps over the sofa and scurries over to Dani until her front bumps flush against Dani’s back. She snakes a pair of firm arms around her middle and buries her face in Dani’s neck, peppering exaggerated kisses there that have Dani squirming, scrunching, and squealing with laughter. 

“God, I love you,” Jamie says into her ear as they pad to the bedroom, still firmly pressed to one another. 

As they enter their bedroom, Jamie shuts the door behind her blindly. Just as the door clicks closed, Dani pushes back with a precise aim that leaves Jamie pressing up against it. Dani swiftly turns and pins her there, devouring her with a kiss that proliferates exhilarated pins through Jamie’s nerves. 

Within the brief departure of her lips, while she searches for new land to cover with her mouth, she breathes out, “Jamie, I don’t think you know just how much I love you.” 

Jamie hardly registers the hand that cascades under her shirt and grabs a bare breast, cupping it gently before pinching its nipple. She does so in concert with a soft bite to Jamie’s thrumming pulse. 

“Might have a bit of a clue,” Jamie shudders then it dissolves into a moan when Dani moves to the other side of her throat, sucking until Jamie is sure a bruise is branded there. 

Dani tugs at Jamie and pushes her in the direction of the bed until she is backpedaling and toppling onto it. Propped up on elbows, she gets the full view of Dani crawling onto her until she is settled with knees on either side of Jamie’s waist. 

“Could show you,” Dani proposes with a voice slick with sultry. 

Jamie thinks now if Dani were a drug, she’d beg on hands and knees for a dose of her. Every moment she reasons, she’d be filled with the desire for Dani to cure the aching and yearning within her. 

Dani gently pulls Jamie’s shirt over her head to reveal a bare torso, tan skin that is splotched with flushed spots. Marks that present just how much Jamie wants.

Slowly, Dani presses steamy kisses along the newly exposed skin. “Anything you want, Jamie,” she says. Her lips kiss up the curve of Jamie’s breast, taking her nipple between her lips and biting softly. “Anything.” 

Jamie folds her arms over her head and arches in a stretch as the pleasured impressions Dani is leaving blossom a begging warmth and saturation between her legs. 

Her mind is beyond fogged. Words piece together for frustrating moments before sputtering and disappearing. Jamie parts her lips to answer, but her mind can’t come up with a substantial desire. She just _wants_ . Anything that Dani will give her, Jamie will take with infinite appreciation. Anything Dani does to her will surely leave Jamie indebted to her. Because nothing, _absolutely nothing,_ compares to the sheer capacity of Dani’s love. 

Dani’s mouth lowers closer to the point that entreats for friction and attention. Across the taut skin of her stomach, she trails, and the anticipation of it has Jamie squeezing her legs together and sighing with a high pitch. 

“Sur-” Jamie has to swallow to dissipate the drought of her mouth. “Surprise me,” she manages. 

Dani hums against her navel as nimble fingers go about tugging denim off of Jamie’s legs. When the fabric has been torn away and forgotten somewhere below them on the carpet, Dani tastes the rest of Jamie’s skin. Both humps of her pelvis, her pubic bone, very cruelly she skips the most begging region in favor of inner thighs, kneecaps, calves, and ankles. Each touch of her lips feels like warm rain falling, tingling and rippling. Jamie thinks she may combust when Dani grazes her teeth over her torso, biting and purpling her skin. 

Dani glides up with her body pressed to Jamie’s; her hand runs up her arm until it settles to cradle her neck. She urges Jamie to kiss her, taking her open-mouthed and passionately. 

The languid pace Dani chooses for love tonight is satisfyingly excruciating as evident through Jamie’s writhing and groans, obscenely rare with their pitch and volume. Jamie is nearly imploding with anticipation; her body implores; her mind is fogged and swarming along with the fervent pace of her heart nearly thumping out of her chest. 

If Jamie were a pressure gauge, she is certain that with every arousing movement Dani takes, she'll be riding further into the cautionary zone. Blooming and filling with a desire that surely will become too much to bear without an imperative release.

She is well aware of how much her patience will pay off, though, no matter how much she wants it now. She can already imagine the outcome of this kind of loving, the slow and gentle. A pleasure that is drawn out for what seems like an eternity until it inebriates Jamie. A pleasure, that seems so close but is so far away, that she’ll chase and reach out desperately for. God, she wants it now. 

Jamie, although well aware of Dani’s intentions to keep her at the center of attention, can’t help but reach out to touch her as well. Her arms wrap around Dani’s back, fingers deftly unclasp a black, silk bra, letting it fall down her arms. Jamie strains to kiss Dani’s shoulder, her skin already silken with sweat. A particular clamp of a palm around Dani’s left breast has Dani grinding her hips into Jamie’s core and whimpering at the feeling. 

Dani pushes her hair over her back and stares down at Jamie with a smug smirk. “Thought it was my job to make you do that, not you to me,” she chuckles breathlessly as she brushes a thumb over Jamie’s swollen lips. She smiles down at Jamie, assumingly pleased with the way she is clearly flustered with wanton under her. 

“ _God,_ ” she sighs as her fingers slip down Jamie’s jaw until they are around her throat, just resting there, not squeezing, but the insinuation is enough to draw Jamie further. “You are so beautiful like this. Beautiful always… but like this… Drives me crazy.” 

Her words alone make Jamie still her breath in arousal. “Please, baby,” Jamie beseeches as she cants her hips. 

Her breath hitches as Dani’s firm thumb circles over her pulse point with enough pressure that it makes Jamie whine and grip the sheets. It is an excellently executed distraction because it keeps Jamie’s mind from expecting Dani’s hand to slip down to her intolerably aching center. Suddenly, Jamie feels Dani’s fingers glide down until her palm cups her heat. 

Dani moans at how wet it is. “Fuck, Jamie.”

Dani hardly curses, but it is in these lustful circumstances when Jamie gets the pleasure of hearing those filthy words spew from her. They always turn her on more than she already is, leaving her pressing on farther and farther until she is unbearably throbbing. 

Jamie parts her thighs further as Dani dances a delicate finger in circles over Jamie’s clitoris. Jamie watches Dani smirk at the way she reacts to the tantalizing touch. She’s bucking in search for more friction, just any more pressure would do, but Dani won’t allow it, pulling back with every thrust of Jamie’s hips. 

“S’posed to not be cruel on my birthd-,” Jamie hisses until it dissolves into a sharp sigh as Dani applies the slightest more pressure, joining a middle finger along with her index. “Fuck, Dani. _Christ._ Please, Dani… more… _more.”_

She remains in that blissful rhythm, soft and consummate. The sensitive sensation, the pleasurable sting, has Jamie bowing her head back and whimpering as she grips the duvet under her. Just when she feels she could relax within this, let herself go, the touch is gone. 

She whines. “No, no. Dani, why’d you…” she nearly cries until she feels Dani lowering her body, leaving more kisses like breadcrumbs on her path. She jerks her head up, stunned, watching Dani with hopeful, wide eyes. Just when she thought this couldn’t get better, it most certainly does. She hums a pleased and surprised, “ _Oh…”_

Dani huffs giggles into her skin as she slides underwear down Jamie’s legs and tosses them to the floor. She spreads Jamie’s thighs and settles herself between them. Her eyes glow in a gaze at Jamie for one last moment before she goes to work. Steadily paced, beautiful and careful, she tastes Jamie; she rides a tongue over her clit, sucking and lapping tactfully in a carefully practiced sequence that ebbs and flows in order to keep Jamie from barreling off the precipice too soon. It’s a cadence she knows Jamie will respond to well because after all this time, after all of their constant lovemaking, each woman studied the other with diligence and passion until their bodies were expertly memorized. 

Jamie groans as Dani performs a particularly exceptional motion. Jamie feels like she may begin sinking and dissolving if she doesn’t hold onto Dani, so desperate fingers tangle in blonde hair. Simply, she holds onto her, not even needing to guide her because Dani’s stimulation is the most sublime thing she thinks she has ever felt. 

“Just there, D-. Ah… _fuck, fuck,”_ she curses in a low sob. Only Dani could do this. Make her cry out and whimper as the pleasure ricochets within her. _This is love,_ Jamie thinks every time Dani manages to bring her to this depth of euphoria. _This is most certainly love._

Jamie believes their lovemaking is akin to a symphony. Their overture is in the way Dani’s mouth moves about her body with sweet, tender kisses, bites, and bruises; swallowing Jamie’s desired sounds. How her hands know just where to touch, just when to caress, squeeze, and pinch. All of it is a blissful push into what will come, a before that most certainly prepares for the after. Just now, Jamie believes this is the most graceful, ethereal chorus. So in tune with one another, making sounds so mellifluous and celestial, like an abundance of instruments and voices coming together in song and rhythm. 

However, as Dani hooks two fingers within her — curling and pressing just where Jamie needs it the most — a familiar heat, a sting so stretched and delicious, licks the pit of her belly. A brilliant message that informs Jamie of what is to come. This, well this is the crescendo within a finale. The moment where the music grows, quickening measures, blessing the theater with booming, pleasurable sounds that bounce off the walls. Reverberate and ring so loudly and faultlessly. Teetering the audience over the edge as the music fills their ears, waiting in suspense for what is to come. It’s ecstasy, perfection at its finest. 

Jamie’s elbows raise her body to an arch, surely she could have risen to the heavens but Dani’s hands are there to keep her hips firmly pressed against the bed. Jamie’s head is thrown back against the pillows, eyes rolling back as a bellow permeates from her lips; the flame blossoms and runs through her with a staggering speed until she is crying out, unadulterated and loud. 

_Dani. God, Dani. Fuck. Dani. Dani. Dani._

Jamie falls back against the bed, worn and heaving. When she opens her eyes, Dani is hovering over her and coming down to kiss her, breathing life back into her through her ragged breathing. 

Lowly, Dani says, “One more.” 

Jamie doesn’t know if it’s a question or merely a notification, but Jamie doesn’t mind either way. Just the way Dani suggested it fills Jamie with a desire that needs tending to. So, when she braces herself on Dani and nods against her, Dani’s fingers, which are still buried to the hilt within her, begin pumping again. The heel of her hand brushes Jamie’s clit with every thrust. This time her fingers work ruthlessly, fucking her hard and fast to the point Jamie is digging her fingers into Dani’s back to stabilize herself. 

She buries her face in Dani’s chest, moaning into her skin until she cries out again, strangled and cracked, with another orgasm that flourishes over her quickly and unexpectedly. 

Jamie falls back, stationed in what she can only describe as paralysis, against the bed. She runs a trembling hand through her hair and rests a palm over her forehead, staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes Dani’s love astounds her. She knows she is capable, but there are times she puts her in these modes of post-coital shock that she can’t shake. 

Dani leaves soothing kisses around her face and neck then lays beside her, resting her head over Jamie’s chest. 

“Good?” her voice chimes, though it’s blurred to a point that Jamie can hardly register it with the buzzing in her ears. 

Jamie doesn’t respond, can’t even if she tries.

Dani peels back and props her head up with an elbow beside Jamie. She shakes her gently by the shoulder. “Did I break you?” she giggles before kissing Jamie’s shoulder. 

Jamie removes the hand covering her face and eyes Dani, pupils still blown with bewilderment. She laughs incredulously. “Think you did.” 

Dani gives her a bitten smile, obviously very proud of herself. She kisses Jamie softly. “Good thing?” 

“Reckon it’s the best possible thing.” 

Dani gives her that look filled to the brim with love and devotion. She cups Jamie’s cheek, brushing her thumb over her soft skin. One kiss, two, three, then four when she can’t help but place one more.

“I think I could do this forever,” she whispers, laying a hand on Jamie’s sternum. 

“Do what?” Jamie hooks an arm around Dani and scratches her back, pressing a kiss to her forehead. 

“Love you,” Dani sighs, leaning in to kiss Jamie. She professes, punctuating her words with a kiss, “Want. To do it. For. ever.” 

Jamie pulls back, stunned by the prospect. Jamie doesn’t know forever, never even thought about the idea that forever — or, given the cruel nature of mortality, a really long time — exists. However, with Dani, it’s not terrifying in the slightest. In fact, the very notion is comforting and sounds like a life lived in the utmost rapture. She thinks this confession is by far the best gift she has received today. 

“Yeah?” 

Dani nods, eyes searching her in expectancy, doe-eyes waiting for her to accept the proclamation. 

“Let’s do forever.”

**June 1974**

Dani waltzes down the stone steps in front of the elementary school, blue skirt flowing in her stride and a bright, excited smile on her face. 

It’s the first day of summer vacation, the end of the first chapter of her teaching career in California, and a year on the day since meeting Jamie. It’s a wonderful day, one she has anticipated for weeks. It is the day Jamie and she commence another trip across the country after they had agreed it would be the best way to revel in a year spent in each other’s company. 

They have no real plan, just a shared itch to get back on the road. They will let it take them wherever it leads them. Maybe they will see the south, creep up north, perhaps even take a peek at Canada. Anywhere, they believe will be incredible as long as they are together, celebrating and enjoying what they have jointly accomplished. 

She sees that beloved green truck, old but cared for immensely with the skilled hands of Jamie. She grins at the driver as she closes the distances. Jamie, charming and radiant, leans against the window, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the passenger headrest. She smiles raptly at Dani, a cigarette nestled between her lips. 

“You’re free,” exults Jamie as Dani bounds off the last step and raises her arms in dramatic victory. 

Dani pulls the door open, launching her beloved maroon backpack into the backseat. “Sure am. First year done.” 

“Proud of you, you know?” she says with that characteristic offset smile. “Not everyone can say their girlfriend managed teacher of the year in her first run.”

Dani presses a quick kiss to her cheek. “Thank you. Couldn’t have done it without you.” 

Jamie tuts and shakes her head, too humble for her own sake to take the compliment. A small, coy smile upturns on her lips though. Dani almost misses it too, but she grins when she sees it. It’s a subtle sign that Jamie knows just how much she’s contributed to Dani’s work, and Dani is grateful for that recognition. 

Jamie sends them with a change of gears and a push on the gas. As they’re out of the school’s view, she takes the cigarette from Jamie’s lips and slips it between her own, inhaling to savor. She flutters her eyes shut and ghosts the smoke from her lips in a composed cloud before sucking it back into her mouth. She knows the motion is entirely sultry, and she would be lying if she didn’t do it on purpose to get a rise out of Jamie. 

She hears Jamie sigh beside her. “Fuck I love it when you do that,” she says as they come to a stop at a red light. 

Dani giggles within her exhale and gives the cigarette back to Jamie. “Know you do.” 

“You’re such a tease. You know we’re gonna be on the road for hours and you do that to me. Cruel and terrible,” she jokes. “Pull it again and I’ll drop you off on the side of the road.” 

Dani laughs then tugs on Jamie’s collar, giving a sensual whine in detest, “You wouldn’t.” 

The movement visibly flusters Jamie, and she shakes her head. She looks at Dani and quickly licks her top lip. She has that look of wonder on her face. Dani can almost hear the words that come along with it. The ones Jamie mumbles in awe, _How do you manage to do this to me?_

“Alright, alright. You caught my bluff. Couldn’t do it,” she chuckles. “I’d be too lonely without you botherin’ me the whole time.” 

“Bothering you?” Dani scoffs. 

“That’s right. I’d never lie,” Jamie shrugs then looks over at Dani with a smirk until they both dissolve into concurrent laughter. 

“You got everything?” Dani asks. 

Jamie takes a split second to look over her shoulder, contemplating for a moment in what looks like an internal checking of all the items in the truck. “Think I do. Bag you packed, bag I packed, few other _goodies.”_

“Goodies?” she giggles. 

“Oh, you’ll see.” 

“And I’m the tease?” 

Jamie smiles and shakes her head. “Got a point. But it’s a surprise you’ll have to wait until Vegas to see. Also, I was thinking…” 

Dani looks over at her when she pauses, anticipating what is to come, but Jamie looks borderline embarrassed. Which makes the oncoming information all the more enticing. 

Jamie clears her throat. “When we get to New York, we should take a train to Vermont... ” 

“Vermont?” 

“Yeah. Could be nice… It’s…There’s-uh… you’ll laugh,” she stutters. Her fumbling causes Dani to look on with an adoring smile. “Part of me’s always wanted to go since I saw _White Christmas_ when I was a kid.” 

Dani purses her lips in an attempt to hold back her laughter. However, the innocent nature of it and the fact they’re in the middle of summer, has quiet laughter spilling from her lips. 

“Told you you’d laugh.” 

“Jamie it’ll be July by the time we get there,” she says. “You’ll be very disappointed when I tell you it doesn't snow in July.” 

“It’s the principle that counts, Dani. Vermont is Vermont. And I want to go.” 

Dani leans forward and kisses Jamie at another stoplight, not caring in the slightest if there are cars surrounding them to see. “Then to Vermont, we’ll go. Anywhere you want…”

As Jamie pulls them onto the highway, Dani hears her sigh contentedly. “A year, Dani,” she marvels. “Can you believe that? Gone too fast.” 

Dani hums in agreement and looks over at her, feeling herself sinking into a stint of heartfelt contemplation. Jamie’s reminder has her mind dipping deeper. She becomes overwhelmed by the amazement spawning in her mind. A year they’ve known each other. A year they have tended and protected a love so rare and precious. To think that a year ago, Dani was at her worst. Feeling like the entire world was suffocating and isolating her in an inescapable grasp. Then Jamie turned up, spontaneously in such an impossible encounter, welcoming her and accepting her with immediate regard. 

Quite possibly, Jamie is the love of her life. The woman she has patiently waited for never thinking in her wildest dreams she would receive someone as remarkable as this. Alas, she got Jamie, the woman who loves her for everything she is. For her flaws, for her laugh, for her smile, for everything. Jamie looks at her with those warm, jade eyes and Dani knows. She knows there is so much love and adoration there. Infinite amounts that will disperse and envelop Dani over their years together. 

That notion is gratifying in every sense. Dani anticipates, grows fond already of the years they will share. A journey they will embark on that neither knows the end of, but embrace with complete trust and willingness. 

Dani leans forward and kisses the corner of Jamie’s mouth as not to distract her from her driving. 

“Thank you for picking me up,” she says and sighs contentedly. 

Jamie stares ahead, brows furrowed at Dani’s sudden gratitude that comes across as random, but Dani can see the way those eyes well up once she understands what she means. It is not often Dani sees such an immediate emotional response from Jamie, but today is special enough that both of them are touched by the mere presence of each other. 

Stopped by a bit of traffic, Jamie looks over with a tight expression to hold back tears. She simpers at Dani, lip subtly trembling in the loose expression. She grabs Dani’s hand and brings it to her lips, kissing her knuckles. For another moment, they share their ardent gaze, silently professing acute devotion. 

“And I’d do it a million times over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, folks. That’s it. She’s done.
> 
> I’ll admit I’m sad it’s over, but I’m also so happy I did it because, boy, was this thing important to me. Now time for me to get a little soppy, so bear with me… 
> 
> I’m not really a writer. I never wrote... stories at least. I can write boring stuff like philosophy essays...but stories?? Nah. No way. Think the last story I wrote was my sophomore year of high school... long ago. Then, Bly happened and suddenly I had this inspiration to write! So, I wrote little Bly fics, kept working on my writing, and I think I’ve become a better writer... I hope...
> 
> But this story, this is my magnum op- just kidding... but really this is my first serious story... funny how it could have been literally anything, but it ended up being a Damie fic haha. 
> 
> This story became my little experiment. The first one I ever took seriously out of all my fics. It was me attempting to create something I could be proud of. Something I could actually research, work hard on, and commit to finishing. And it was my baby for a while. And I’m sad to see it go.
> 
> As for now, I don’t have anything up my sleeve for the future. We’ll see, but this wee story may just be it for a while... I’m kind of tired haha. But of course, I say that, and I may get a riveting idea tomorrow. Who’s to say? 
> 
> But thank you all for reading and for sticking around through this damn thing. Means a lot!! Thank you, thank you, thank you *air kisses*
> 
> (Chapter title is from Crazy Love by Van Morrison. An excellent tune you should absolutely listen to! Also, I won't lie, I added Moondance because it gets to be their "moonflower" for this universe. I have no idea if that makes sense at all... but it did in my brain)


	11. epilogue: a sight worth seeing, a vision of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s 1979, flares are out, and new wave and disco are in. It's been five years and Jamie and Dani are as wonderful as ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy! Happy one month since this fic ended! Here's a little epilogue so y'all can catch up a bit with our girls five years after we last saw them. 
> 
> If you’d like a little companion to this, here is a little playlist for this epilogue: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6846wUzXoRErl0qyZRh2bm?si=c0c75164781d4c89

**November 1979**

Cornflower blue eyes spring open once their beholder hears the familiar horns and cadence of a fond pop song course through the bedroom. From her prone position atop the bed, Dani eyes the culprit; a yellow alarm clock on the bedside that reads _8:00 AM_ in white type. 

She inhales a deep breath and flaps a flat palm down over the top of the clock with a clank to shut the music off. She closes her eyes again, turning over to her side and reaching her arm out to pull the other sleeping woman closer to her. Or, rather, the sleeping woman that should be there, except Dani’s arm falls atop chilled, crumpled sheets instead. Her eyes open again, blinking rapidly as she assesses the situation. Dani frowns at the absence of Jamie, rising abruptly and rubbing her eyes as she looks over at the door that is slightly ajar. 

She listens for any sign of noise coming from down the hall, and her nimble ears catch the sound of music flowing through the apartment. For it being eight in the morning, Dani hardly thinks the choice of rock music is suitable, but Dani also knows Jamie will probably listen to this same album until the end of her days anyway. 

Dani slides out of bed, searching for something suitable to put over her bare body. She opts for Jamie’s red, _Talking Heads_ shirt and her own pair of denim shorts that were long forgotten on the floor last night along with the rest of their clothing that is strewn about the bedroom carpet. 

As she pads out the door of the bedroom, she smiles fondly with a bit bottom lip when she hears Jamie practically shouting the lyrics to the music spouting from the turntable in the living room. Dani creeps around the corner to see Jamie in the kitchen, fully dressed in a worn, t-shirt and black jeans that are so tight that Dani finds herself ogling. She shakes her head out of the short-lived trance, letting her eyes drift up to watch Jamie’s brown hair bounce in a tousled flurry as she bobs her head to the rhythm. 

“I will give you my finest hour, the one I spent watchin’ you showa. I will gi- _fuckin’ hell,_ ” she sings along until it is cut short by a hissed curse then a groan as she shakes her hand at her side, presumably having burned herself. 

If there is one thing that is absolutely certain about Jamie, it’s that she can’t cook for the life of her, even still after painstaking lessons at the hands of Owen and Dani. She can manage a few things without completely destroying them, most others turn into nothing but seemingly impossible and inedible substances. 

Dani hopes that this wonderful Sunday morning will be one of the few times Jamie surprises her. 

“You will tell no one of this,” Jamie says with a stern finger pointed at her company to her right, an orange, tabby cat perched elegantly upon the counter, gazing up at her with focused green eyes as if she perceives the words that come from Jamie’s mouth entirely.

Dani remembers two years ago on a rather brisk February evening when they had approached the apartment building. A little gaunt, orange kitten was left sitting in the grass beside the steps. Dani cooed, humming in sympathy as she rushed over to it and picked it up. She still vividly recalls the look on Jamie’s face when Dani held the kitten close to her, presenting her to Jamie who only looked on with a grimace that she tried to hide with every bit of strength in her body. 

Jamie had squinted at her, shook her head once, and started up the stairs without a single word shared, leaving Dani to rush up to her, the calm kitten still in tow. She begged, nearly cried to get her point across. Jamie attempted protests, tried a stint of her own rationality, but Dani was as determined then as she is now, and they were going to keep that cat. 

Two years later that little kitten is now grown, having become a part of their little family even though they suffer through a tumultuous and secretive limbo of hiding her from the landlord. Regardless, she remains. Prancing and strutting around the apartment every day, meowing and howling whenever she feels suitable. The greatest part of the story is Dani is not at all the one she took to. It’s Jamie’s side of the bed she chooses. Always her lap to lay in. Always her legs she curls around happily. 

And even if Jamie curses the cat and tries to deny how much she loves her, Jamie has taken to her too. It shows in the fact that she helped name her Poppy for her vibrant orange fur and green eyes akin to the vivid stems of the flower. It’s evident now with Jamie talking to her as if she is just another human being who has the same ruminating processes a human would. Pretending that Poppy has even the slightest clue what she is talking about, insists upon it even whenever she looks up at her with those curious eyes and chirps in response to her words. 

Dani creeps up behind Jamie and lunges forward to snake her arms around Jamie’s middle, causing Jamie to significantly start with a breathy gasp, body turning so rigid that Dani fears she may snap in half if she moves another muscle. It only takes a fragment of a second for Jamie to settle, relaxing and leaning against Dani like putty in her embrace.

Jamie hums contentedly as Dani moves her hair to the side with such a gentle touch that she feels the goosebumps ripple under her lips as she places a trail of kisses up Jamie’s neck to the little space behind her ear that always makes her sigh in a blissful response. Dani repeats the same path up the other side of Jamie’s neck. 

“You’re gonna make me burn the eggs,” Jamie whispers whilst tilting her head to reveal more skin for Dani’s lips to capture.

“Can you burn eggs?” Dani asks quietly as she presses a kiss to Jamie’s hair and rests her chin on her shoulder. 

“I know I absolutely can,” Jamie says as she gracelessly attempts to flip one of the fried eggs. She grumbles vexedly as she tries again to no avail. “How many years in this kitchen and my cookin’ is still shite.”

Dani huffs a laugh and grabs Jamie’s forearm to stop her shoddy attempts before she breaks one of the yolks. She takes the spatula into her own hand, and from her position, flush against Jamie’s back, she nimbly flips the four eggs in the pan. 

“Wha-bu-how-” Jamie stutters before craning her head around to get the best glimpse of Dani she can manage. “How the fuck do you do that?” 

Dani shrugs against Jamie’s body and returns to her previous orientation of arms around Jamie’s middle, thumb brushing the bare skin of her midriff where her thin shirt has ridden up.

“Morning,” Dani leans Jamie’s back with her forehead, stifling a yawn. 

“Mornin’,” Jamie echoes with an evident smile adorning her face. Dani pictures it vividly, a crooked smile with jade eyes that pool with the abundance of adulation she manages to hold for Dani. Still unfettering and never once faltering over these six years spent together. 

Beside her ear, a position that usually leaves Jamie anticipating a suggestive message, and she can tell this by the little noise she makes, she whispers in a sultry voice, “How many times have I told you not to let Poppy onto the counter?”

Dani smiles at how flustered and frustrated the let down of a message seems to make Jamie who only bows her head with minor disappointment, shaking it lightly and chuckling incredulously. 

She turns in Dani’s grasp, pointing the spatula at her, “You’re a tease, Dani. A real tease.” 

The blonde laughs and backs up, propping herself up onto the counter to watch Jamie go about her duties of breakfast preparation, standing by in case of any situations of disaster. 

Jamie walks over to Poppy, picking her up and letting her down gently to the linoleum flooring. The cat meows in detest, even eyeing Dani as if she is fully aware she is responsible for this horrific setback. 

“Not fair is it, Pops? Mum won’t let you onto the counter, but she gets to be up there all she wants,” Jamie says to Poppy, motioning her hand in Dani’s direction as the cat trots away into the other room. Jamie walks over to the coffee pot beside Dani and pours her a cup, making sure to put in two spoonfuls of sugar and enough milk until it is a nice beige the way Dani likes it. “I think you’ve really upset her, Dani,” she says feigning disappointment in her voice as she looks up at Dani with a jesting gleam in her eye and a playful smirk. She winks and leans over to give her a chaste kiss on the lips, handing the mug to her. 

Dani takes the proffered coffee and sips it. “So, _my dear Jamie_ , why are we cooking breakfast at eight in the morning on a Sunday?” she asks, adding in quickly, “Our only collective day off, might I add.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Jamie shrugs nonchalantly as she goes back to the eggs, lifting them from the pan and placing them onto two plates. 

Dani frowns. “How long have you been up?” she asks as she watches Jamie saunter tiredly around the kitchen, placing two pieces of buttered toast and a perfectly cut orange on one plate before making her way back to Dani to give her the kindly prepared breakfast.

Before Jamie can walk away again, Dani pulls her in with a gentle grasp at the back of her head to graciously kiss her forehead. Jamie smiles in response, even a slight shade of pink marking her cheeks too. 

Jamie clears her throat and pieces together her own plate of food. “Four or five,” she finally replies, a hesitance in her voice because she knows Dani will be concerned. Dani is entirely aware of how much Jamie hates anyone to worry in fear of troubling them. 

Dani tuts sympathetically. “Why do you keep doin’ that, Jay?”

Jamie sighs and joins Dani, leaning against the counter as she sparsely eats. “Don’t mean to. Can’t sleep for the life of me,” she says with a mouthful of food. “Got a lot on my mind, I think.” 

“Like what?” Dani asks. 

Jamie shrugs, eyes intently staring at her food. There’s a somberness to her that Dani is now noticing. She recognizes it in the way her shoulders slump and face resting exhaustively against a propped-up fist. She doesn’t answer either, which has Dani tilting her head, straining a bit to try and get at least a glimpse of the face that is hiding away from her.

Dani licks her bottom lip and puts her food beside her on the counter; she leans down a bit so she’s closer to Jamie’s level. She places a kiss on her scalp and uses tender fingers to lift Jamie’s chin to look at her, and finally getting a glance at her eyes makes Dani realize that this dolefulness has been there for much longer than she thought. Jamie’s eyes are about the only blatantly divulging aspect of her being. Given Dani has seen those eyes every day for years now, she can read them easily. And they look spent and worn in a way that shows that something has been bothering her for a while. 

One thing she also knows about Jamie, is there are clear signs that express whether or not she wants to talk about what's troubling her. This expression tells Dani entirely that she’d rather not talk about it, but when she pieces it together, she gathers an inkling of what is bothering her. An emulsion of stresses, and past conditions that always manage to gurgle up from where they’re usually deep-set and hidden when they’re least expected. 

Now with this knowledge that Jamie is about to be bogged down by a less than promising day, Dani gets to work. Ideas flutter in her mind as her eyes dart back and forth between Jamie’s. 

“Say, let’s have a good day today. Have a bit of fun. We can go down to the theater you like and see a movie, that one you wanted to see, yeah?”

“Yeah?” Jamie mutters, her eyes growing a sheen on them that Dani slightly frowns at, caressing a thumb consolingly against her jaw. Dani reasons that no matter how many times she treats Jamie with the utmost care and proclivity, it will still be deemed unfamiliar to her. They’ll work on that, keep working on it for as long as they need. 

“Yeah, I’ll check the paper,” she simpers, leaning down to kiss Jamie’s forehead twice before mumbling into her skin there, “then we can go to the beach tonight. Might be fairly quiet in Santa Monica if we go late enough.”

Jamie nods against the few more kisses Dani’s lips leave on her forehead. “Could be nice.” 

“Could be very nice,” Dani confirms as she holds Jamie’s face in her hands, smiling lovingly at her. “I love you, you know?”

Jamie nods again and returns the smile. “Love you.”

“Now,” she says as she realizes the album Jamie had chosen has come to a close. “We’ll finish our breakfast with my music.” She nearly skips her way to their credenza of records and immediately pulls one out, taking a minute to admire the cover adorned by an eclectically posed man and woman, black lettering flowing to write _Rumours_ atop it. She turns it around and presents it to Jamie who nods. 

“Bloody good one that is.” 

“Darn right it is,” she says as she slips it out of the sleeve and gets it settled perfectly on the turntable platter. “Might have a bit of a crush on Stevie Nicks.” 

Jamie scoffs and joins her in the living room with both their plates of food. “What’s she got that I don’t?” 

Dani laughs. “Well… she _can_ sing,” she quips in return. 

“Hey, I can sing! Sometimes if the moon and the stars and the whole bloody world are aligned perfectly.”

“Which is…” 

“Never,” Jamie grumbles as she puts their plates on the coffee table. 

Dani laughs along with the rapid acoustic guitar that fills the room as the record begins. She turns and leans against the wooden console, smiling at Jamie. 

“It’s gonna be a great day, Jamie. Okay?” 

Jamie nods and sits on the floor, beckoning Dani over with a bob of the head. “Breakfast’s gonna get cold.” 

Dani sits beside her and leans into her. Poppy jumps onto the coffee table and sits expectantly before them, eyeing their food, then them. Jamie rips a piece off her toast and offers it to her who takes it and nibbles away at it. 

“Jamie,” Dani scolds halfheartedly. 

“What?” she chuckles. “Little thing needs some toast too.” Jamie gives her a little scratch on the head, voice turning uncharacteristically close to a coo as she continues with, “Dontcha Pops?” 

Poppy cants her head into Jamie’s scratch before jumping off the coffee table, remnants of the piece of toast still between her teeth to be enjoyed elsewhere in the apartment. 

Dani eyes her, trying to stifle a smile and a laugh in response to her tone of voice used towards their cat. 

“What?” Jamie asks. 

The blonde only shakes her head, nudging her with a shoulder. “You’re just a big softie.” 

“Am not.” 

“Yes, you are…” 

“How am I a softie?”

“You talk to our cat, Jamie.” 

“And you don’t?”

“Who said I’m not soft?”

There’s a pause where Jamie playfully glares at Dani. 

“That’s it,” Jamie grumbles through gritted teeth and pushes Dani back, hovering over her laying on the ground. Dani thinks her intention was to tickle her, tease her in some way, but there is a new, hungry glint in her expression that Dani lunges forward to drink up within a passionate, open-mouthed kiss. 

After Dani flips them over — straddling Jamie and looking down at her, her lips already swollen and her green eyes dilated and desperate — she smirks and adds another event to their day before diving back in to relish in Jamie below her. 

• • •

The sun is almost entirely set with only the slightest ray of deep, blazing orange and magenta peeking through the horizon. The rest of the sky showers Dani and Jamie in a deep indigo, illuminated only by the distant lights of the pier behind them and the moon that is still engaging overhead. A light breeze sweeps across them, dancing Dani’s long hair and flowing, yellow sundress behind her effortlessly. Jamie is beside her with tamed, pinned-up hair and a torso engulfed by a black denim jacket. 

They stroll hand in hand along a surprisingly desolate shoreline, close enough to the water where the tide rises to brush against Dani’s bare feet, but not enough to reach Jamie who insists on remaining in her boots. Something Dani teases her relentlessly for, but she will never let up. These boots are nearly glued to herself. 

A second cigarette is shared between them equally, handed back and forth for each to take long, peaceful inhales until smoke continuously clouds around them in the wake of their trail. 

“Jason sounds like a little shit,” Jamie laughs, tucking a hand into one of her jean pockets. 

“I mean… I-well,” Dani stumbles, laughing at her evident inability to agree with Jamie’s remark about one of her defiant students. “He’s not a _little shit_ , Jamie. He just needs…” Dani, the cigarette between her fingers, rotates her hand in a gesture to search for the right explanation, “guidance. He needs guidance, and I’m trying to give him that… but I don’t know… ”

“There’s only so much you can do,” Jamie finishes for her, always knowing exactly what Dani means to say. It’s an impressive feat given Dani can be a convoluted jumble of speech at times, but Jamie unravels and solves her impeccably with ease as if it’s just another one of her tactfully studied skills. It’s a skill Jamie prides herself on, especially when she gets that distinctive sweet, affable smile from Dani in return. 

“Only so much,” Dani concurs as she eyes the ash at the end of the cigarette, flicking it off carefully as to avoid the breeze from carrying it toward them. 

“You’re good with them, though. Always have been. Think you can knock some sense into Jason one way or another.”

Dani nods in agreement. “I love them all in a way, you know? Every year I get new ones and I still adore each and every one of them, even the ones I know I won’t see again. Doesn’t matter.” She shakes her head. “Doesn’t matter that there’s nearly thirty of them either… It’s chaos, don’t get me wrong, but the best kind.”

Jamie looks at Dani with an adoring smile, reaching out two fingers for Dani to put the cigarette between. 

The way that Dani talks about children is bittersweet. She’s excellent with them, that part is undeniable. She knows each child’s strengths, each of their quirks, what makes one laugh, and another smile. It’s a gift she has. An insurmountable amount of empathy and instinct making her a wonderful mentor to her students. However, there is something sad about it too. Sad in the way that Dani looks at children with indisputable adoration and pride, but she’ll never get to do so with her own. 

They never talk about it, unless it is merely in jest, but Jamie knows there is a pang of regret that resides in Dani because of that inkling. Maybe it’s even rubbed off to occupy the same feeling within Jamie too. 

If she were abiding by the wild assumptions Dani makes about the universe controlling every instance in their lives, then it would not be coincidental in the slightest that just as Jamie contemplates all of this they pass a family sitting at a substantial distance from them in the sand; the only other people at this part of the beach at all in fact. 

Two small children run around their parents in the sand, arms out in wings as if they are mimicking the forms of seagulls that swarm around beachgoers in the daylight. Or maybe they’re airplanes, swooshing and dashing around their mother and father who laugh and grin at them. Either one conveys the innocent imagination and cleverness that absorb children. 

Dani watches on subtly with a small smile, even breathily giggles when the little girl erupts into an infectious peal of laughter.

As most children do, the little girl catches sight of Dani. Immediately halting to muse at her as if she is a celestial being that has descended miraculously from the heavens. It’s hard to argue this idea because Dani is walking here with a golden halo of blonde hair and a sheer, delicate dress whisking in the gentle breeze, presenting her blithe and ethereal nature. 

The little girl points at Dani, says something to her parents in regard to her appearance before turning back to face her with the most enthralled and bewildered glow to her, nearly bouncing in jittering excitement in her presence. Dani offers a timid wave to which the little girl beams at, returning the gesture ecstatically. 

“Cute,” Dani coos with a wide smile as they pass the family by. Jamie nods at the parents who offer their greeting waves as well. 

Jamie itches the back of her head coyly, considering whether or not she should talk about what she has hurdling around in her mind. It’s quite the question she has in mind, but she realizes it’s only her curiosity at play and nothing more. It doesn’t hurt to just ask. 

“Do you ever-uh,” Jamie begins, twisting her mouth as she finds the best way to ask this, “think about-uh-think about that?”

Dani turns to her, brows knit in thought. “Think about what?” 

“You know,” Jamie says, pausing before motioning her head back towards the family. 

“Kids?” 

“Sure.” 

“Not really,” she says, shaking her head with a jutted expression. “Maybe once. A long, long time ago,” she replies, eyes a bit solemn, Jamie assumes because she’s thinking about that version of her who existed those years ago; she’s hardly a fragment within Dani now Jamie realizes. That melancholic, timid woman is now effervescent and valiant. 

However, a sliver of truth expels from Dani, making Jamie frown slightly, “And I guess there’s no use wanting it if we can’t have it,” she says after a bit of a pause with her eyes faced in front of them, intaking a bout of smoke from the cigarette Jamie had handed back, exhaling, “Especially because we’ve got a kid anyway.”

Jamie quirks her brow, releasing a puzzled chuckle, “Uh… Dani, last I checked we certainly do not have a kid.” 

“Poppy would be very upset to hear that you don’t consider her our child,” she says with mock disappointment. 

“That gremlin?” Jamie laughs, “Our child? No. Our child would be far less messy and annoying.”

Dani flicks the finished cigarette butt in the sand and cackles. “I’m certain you have never met a child in your life, Jamie Taylor.” 

“I’ve met one or two,” Jamie insists. She gathers a picture in her mind of the most prominent child she knows. A tiny little girl, two years old now with tightly-curled, black hair and the most luminous brown eyes. “Lucy’s nice.” 

Dani nods and smiles fondly. “Lucy is sweet. Just like her mama.”

“I don’t know,” Jamie says, tilting her head. “Maybe looks like her, but she’s already turnin’ into a tiny Owen. She’s the only one who laughs at his jokes anyway.” 

“Poor thing has no idea what she’s getting herself into,” she says as she crosses her arms as a gust of wind brushes them with a keen chill. “What about you, Jay?” 

“What about me?”

“Do you ever think about having a family?”

Jamie thinks about it briefly and realizes it has crossed her mind a few times. It’s not like she’s entirely certain she’d be good at it given her own experiences with a less than ideal childhood, and it isn’t like she thought it was even possible for her to have a family anyway, so she has never dwelled on the prospect. 

She shakes her head. “Not much. Wouldn’t know the first thing to do with a kid. Hardly know what to do with that damn cat.”

Dani playfully glares at her, huffing an amused noise through her nostrils as if she knows entirely that Jamie doesn’t give herself enough credit.

They fall into a stint of comfortable silence. Jamie assumes Dani falls into the same round of deliberation as she does, thinking about the different aspects of domesticity that they should be inherently falling into by now; namely, motherhood and marriage. Owning a house somewhere deep in the suburbs too. However, they are prevented from ever doing such. Jamie regards the inconvenience of such a misfortune, but she thinks she isn’t too displeased by the setback anyway. She and Dani haven’t done half bad with what they’ve been handed. 

“Could have been, maybe. In a different time, a different world even,” Dani says consideringly, bumping into Jamie as they walk, briefly leaning her head against Jamie’s. 

Jamie hums in agreement, picturing this different world. She knows they all anticipate a change in the future, and Jamie finds herself longing for the two of them to remain youthful and new in that different world. Fight the bounds of time and see the changes as the still-young women they are. However, there is no harm in imagining what could be.

“But say we did live in that perfect, different world, what would we do?” Jamie asks as she reaches into her breast pocket, pulling out her carton of menthols. She props one of the cigarettes between her lips and lights it with a palm around the flame to keep it from dissipating from the breeze. 

Dani twists her mouth, eyeing her with a soft peer to read what Jamie’s purpose is with such a question. “Oh, I don’t know. Same as what we’re doing here, I guess.” 

“No, come on,” Jamie urges. “Think of everything we could do…” 

“What… in a perfect world?” 

“Well if you call a world devoid of bigotry perfect, then yes, in a perfect world.” 

Dani rests her hands at the small of her back and arches, staring at the sky as she contemplates the notion. “Guess we wouldn’t have to hide so much.” 

Jamie tuts at the rather glum answer, not intending for this imaginative thinking to go down that route. This is a moment for thinking about the things they long for, no matter how grandiose and preposterous.

“No not that… obviously that would be nice, but bigger things.” 

“That’s pretty big, Jamie,” Dani chuckles incredulously as if the idea of what she proposed is nearly impossible. It’s hard to believe that something like that could ever be achievable. 

“Less sad things,” she says, nearly exasperated. Dani looks at her with a bemused squint as if she’s entirely lost at the intent of this conversation. Jamie swipes away her fringe that is covering her face and elaborates, “Okay, would we… get married?”

Dani’s lips upturn into a clement smile, eyes glistening with something impish. “Jamie Taylor,” she ribs as she nudges her elbow into Jamie’s arm. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

“No,” Jamie says quickly then she softens significantly, bobbing her head side to side as she ponders that notion. Of course, she’d marry Dani, in a heartbeat if she could. “Well, I’d want to, of course. Someday, I hope.”

“Someday,” Dani mirrors with minuscule woe in her voice before taking the newly lit smoke from Jamie’s grasp, proceeding to think about this fantasy they’re crafting as she takes a drag. “Alright, so in this little world we’re making, we’ll get married, then?”

“We’ll get married,” Jamie nods, picturing Dani before her in a long, flowing, and sheer wedding dress. She doesn’t picture her in something elegant and confining. No, she sees something that pays tribute to her freedom and vitality. Jamie has trouble picturing what she’d wear. Certainly not a tuxedo, too elaborate and contrived. She couldn’t bear a gown. Maybe a suit. It clicks with that inkling. Jamie in an unceremonious suit and Dani in an impeccably graceful dress. 

“Big wedding?” Dani asks. 

“Nah,” Jamie says, crinkling her nose in disdain at the thought of a large number of people watching them get married, witnessing an intimacy she’d only intend for herself and Dani to experience. “Just you and me.” 

Dani smiles at that, but she is still very detail-oriented, so she raises her brow. “We’d need a witness though.” 

“Poppy?” Jamie offers lightheartedly.

Dani opens her mouth to protest but halts. “Well if this is such a perfect world then, yes, Poppy can be our witness.”

Jamie simpers, finding this envisaging amusing in every sense. She, of course, has her own desires, but she loves hearing the way Dani paints a scene and a life so perfectly for them. “Then what?” 

“Well, the wedding isn’t over yet. We still need to have our first dance,” she says, springing into a presentation of her own subdued waltz to show what they’d do on their wedding day. Jamie laughs at the drollness of Dani fluidly dancing on her own, kicking up the sand in her path. She settles down again, mirroring Jamie’s delight. 

“In this world can I dance?” Jamie inquires, thinking about every time Dani has tried to instill some sense of rhythm into her body in the living room of their apartment to the countless records they queue up within their nights together. 

“You do alright already, Jay.” 

“I’ve got two left feet,” Jamie scoffs. 

“And I’ve got two right, so it works.” 

“But you can dance,” Jamie says with a peer as she sees through the way Dani always manages to make her feel better about herself even if it is at her own expense. 

“That’s what you think.” 

“Alright, alright,” Jamie chuckles, taking the cigarette back. “So we’ve got a wedding under our belt, and, assuming I can dance in this universe, we have a bit of a tango. What’s next?” 

“Oh, I know what’s next,” Dani says in a low, suggesting voice, leaning into Jamie as they amble. 

Jamie nods and smirks. “Oh, of course. It’s a must.”

“Then once we do that, we’ll buy a huge, old house,” Dani grins, spreading her arms wide to present the ideal size. “Here, in Santa Monica.”

“On our wages?” 

Dani clicks her tongue to her teeth, hands on her hips as she glares at Jamie, seemingly questioning her audacity to impede on her fantastical desire. “We’re supposed to be dreaming here, Jamie.”

“Right,” she chuckles. “After that? Couple kids for fun?”

“Biologically impossible… but if we could, not yet. Another cat for Poppy.” 

Jamie grumbles, shaking her head intently. “No way. We’re getting a bloody dog,” she asserts and jabs a thumb to her chest, “like _I_ want.”

“Fine,” Dani groans, rolling her eyes. “A dog, then a kid.”

Jamie smiles as a quickly formulated scene courses through her mind, vibrant and hazed to signify its fiction. The two of them here, in another time entirely, hand in hand in the daylight where they’re free to be affectionate in the public eye. Before them, runs a child in the sand, carefree and innocent, small and scrawny. In her mind, it's a little girl with hair unruly and brown like her own, sparkling blue eyes akin to Dani’s to go with it. Jamie shakes her head subtly, subduing the idyllic chimera as she regards just how absurd it is.

“I like that,” Jamie declares. 

Dani squeezes Jamie’s hand, bringing it up to her lips, so she can kiss her knuckles. “Me too.” 

Comfortable silence washes over them yet again, linked hands swaying back and forth between them as they gait across the shore, the distance beyond them hardly visible in the darkness.

“But I do have to say, Jamie. We have it pretty good,” Dani begins. “Maybe we can’t technically get married, but… I also don’t really care… And maybe it would be nice to have a little one running around, but I got thirty of them to take care of every day.”

Jamie chuckles. 

“Think about all the things we wouldn’t be able to do if we had a kid anyway, Jay. We wouldn’t be able to just come to the beach to smoke half a pack of cigarettes. We couldn’t just up and travel when we wanted to.” Dani leans closer to Jamie, near her ear to mutter, “And we certainly wouldn’t be able to do what we did in the living room this morning.”

It’s hard to believe that once upon a time Jamie was stoic and unyielding because, now, Dani can make her react in ways Jamie never knew possible. Things have obviously altered over the years because even this minor suggestion has Jamie biting her lip in an attempt to fight a flush from blossoming on her features as she recalls their affairs from this morning. 

Dani seems to catch this look of demure in Jamie and simpers fondly. She peeks over her shoulder, beyond Jamie, and in front of them to confirm their seclusion before leaning in to place a sweet kiss on her lips. 

“I don’t know, Jamie,” Dani sighs, inhaling the fresh, autumn air. “I love the world we have right now. Sure, things are awful sometimes, but I have you. We’re here, we’re happy. We’ve got six years on our back, and we’re on the brink of a new decade… And everything we’ve got. The apartment, the cat, our jobs, each other most of all… It’s enough for me if it’s enough for you.” 

Jamie’s not sure why her words elicit such an intense, emotional response from her, but it’s within seconds that Jamie can feel a sting in her eyes where tears bloom and threaten to rush over the levee of her eyelids. She offsets her jaw, pursing her mouth to stifle the threatening tremble at her lips. 

She stares at Dani, soaking in the way the moonlight cascades her in a paradisiacal glow that accentuates her impossible beauty. A wonderful twinkle resides in her gaze that is a beam in itself given how bright and blue her eyes are. Those familiar, pink lips are hooked at one end in that habitual expression of adulation and delight that Jamie thinks she could look at a million times more without ever getting sick of it. 

Jamie thinks Dani is like a work of art, a painting crafted by the most esteemed artist. She believes that she is the luckiest woman in the world because she gets to see this divine composition every single day, and the real kicker is that Dani wants to be seen. Wants to be cared for and loved by her. And that collective desire to give and receive between the two of them has faltered not once over their time together. And for that, Jamie is eternally grateful. 

After a mellow kiss to Dani’s temple and a little bump of her forehead against the skin there, she looks back at Dani with a tearful grin. 

“Yeah, I reckon that’s enough for me.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t really plan on an epilogue; however, I missed writing them so much that I thought we could celebrate a month since I finished the story with this little update. 
> 
> I’m kind of emo about this, and I don’t know if I can actually let go of writing this universe… so if you want more… 👀 let me know. I’m open for prompts too!
> 
> Anywho, I hope everyone enjoyed this, and I hope you are all doing so well! Please come say hello on tumblr. I'm dxbshevd over there too! 
> 
> As always... the chapter title comes from the song Picture This by Blondie.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I couldn’t resist doing this. I have wanted to write a 70s AU for so long so here we are. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think! I always love feedback!
> 
> Also… all titles come from early 70s tunes of course. The main title is from Me and Bobby McGee. 
> 
> Thanks!


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